It seems so crazy, the world we live in now. A few weeks
ago, I was literally whining and complaining about how my husband and I seriously needed a vacation. I would endlessly
lament about how all I did was work, prep meals for my family, and take care of
my child.
Now, I would give anything to put on makeup or go to a real, live yoga class. It’s sort of
like, during this seemingly super apocalyptic moment of time, we’re climbing
the walls to get out of our homes and our heads. Who would have ever known that
being a homebody would be so virtually terrifying?
To me, it’s sort of like there is just so much time on my hands that I almost don’t want to do anything. I
find myself lying around watching Real
Housewives of New York City and The
Tiger King while all these crazy thoughts run through my head.
I should have really
absorbed that last moment in the public, like really savored it; who knows when
I’ll be out again. Am I stimulating
my daughter enough or is she going to have flashbacks of Real Housewives cast members getting “Ramona’ed” by Ramona
Singer? Or, Will I have to soon start
using cocktail napkins in place of toilet paper?
But lately, my thoughts have been shifting. Maybe instead of
stressing so much about things I can’t control, maybe a part of me is also
enjoying this time I’ve been blessed with to explore things I’ve since been
neglecting. I realized after about twenty-five days of complaining, a whole bunch
of FaceTime calls, and probably way too much coffee, I’ve been gifted this time. To get to spend with
my daughter, to go through my belongings and purge the things that no longer
serve me, to better my yoga practice and get fit in the process and to explore
all the things I haven’t had a chance to lately. (And I mean “lately” as in
“prior to this pandemic”.)
It also hit me during this downtime that it’s really easy to
let time, and your life, just pass you by. That realization really frightened
me; it really made me want to jump up and grab life by the steering wheel. It
made me crave the ability to take back my control.
If you don’t get
lost, there’s a chance you may never be found. –Anonymous
I started seeing all these women I admire using their down
time to (what it looked like to me) fervently pursue their dreams. They were
putting themselves out there and making their mark. They were super motivating
and inspiring and I found myself having some serious FOMO and maybe, even a
little jealousy. I kept saying to myself, I
want that! I’ve always wanted that!
What’s happened to me?
I have always
loved to write. And for the last however many years, I have been blogging about
a variety of things from love and relationships, to men and domestic violence
awareness. From being a mom and trying to really find myself, to yoga, wellness
and friendships. I’ve also very seriously
started (and not finished) a hand full of novels.
It has always been a cathartic outlet for me and something
that has been incredibly fulfilling (even those things that have only been seen
by my eyes). And up until recently, I never really suffered from writer’s block
because my brain was just always working.
But recently, things started to change. I battled what I had
assumed was post-partum depression for awhile and I couldn’t think of much to
say. My mind was tired and it seemed
like when I did have a creative idea,
I didn’t have the moment or motivation to put it to paper. When I would go into
my office, which was once a loving and creative space where I spent tons of time, I saw nothing but a
failing business.
I was reminded of all the things I saw as my failures and
shortcoming and just like that, my creativity died. I felt shameful and
unmotivated when I would see my friends moving forward with their various
successes. While there I was, somehow unwilling or unable to get my shit
together.
I saw people with more kids than me, people who worked more
jobs or hours than me, who were somehow just doing things better. I hate to
admit this, but I absolutely fell into the comparison trap. I wasn’t doing
things right because I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t successful because I wasn’t using
the time I had properly. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had no time
management skills because I wasn’t in the right headspace to get things done.
I was coasting. And everyone was leaving me behind.
Moral of the Crazy: I
soon realized that the only thing that was holding me back was me. And it’s a scary realization to see
that you’re the one getting in your own way; to understand that the only person
you can blame your problems on is you.
I decided that I had to go back to basics. I suddenly had
all this relatively free time on my hands, thanks to a worldwide pandemic. Now,
what was I going to do with it? A person can only watch so much television, am
I right? Maybe that was part of my
problem. My brain was growing stagnant because it no longer had to think.
I also started to have these insecurities, which I have always had, but I started to really wonder:
do people even read anymore? Do people really care what I have to say? I mean,
people that claim to care about me barely even talk to me, why would I be so
certain that they would actually read what I want to write?
But that was just my own lack of self-confidence talking.
Because sometimes the people that care just get busy. And honestly, people are
going to read what they want to read, whether it’s considered trendy or not. I
know I do.
So I guess what I’m saying is that it took me awhile to see
this quarantine for what it truly is: a safe
haven to reflect, to grow, and to catch up on things.
To take the time to
really remember who you are.
And while the quarantine is exhausting and hard in a lot of
ways, it’s also refreshing. There is a sweet sense of solidarity in the air
because we’re all in this together.
When I see all the positive posts on social media, it motivates me.
It sets my soul on fire.
So I’m here to tell you that I’m here for you. That I will
truck through this pandemic with you. Because right now, while we’re not
physically together, it doesn’t mean we’re alone.
There is more to come, so much more. So break out your Lysol
and stay safe. Keep a watchful eye on that creativity because it just might
show up when you least expect it.
A person often meets
his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. –Jean de La Fontaine
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