In true love, the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged. –Hans Nouwens

                      

I’ve found that today’s world and its equipment makes most romantic relationships unassailably strenuous. People commute to work or get jobs in a totally different state because sometimes it’s their only option. Things like Skype and FaceTime have been created for the sole purpose of making contact and communication easier to come by. Essentially, those types of mediums have replaced dinner at a dimly lit Italian restaurant. I mean, in that respect, long distance relationships aren’t all that difficult to maintain. It seems like you don’t even need an IPhone anymore. (And just when I was starting to feel special.)

But despite its ever present (and ever updating) convenience, this idea makes me all uncomfortable. I’m sorry, I don’t like it. Some things are meant to be savored, enjoyed in person, and experienced in the most tactile sense. Forgive me, but sometimes media and text messaging can be so easily misconstrued. (Example: When my husband answers my texts because he is, unbeknownst to me, working in our yard, I pace around and check my phone every three seconds because I’m convinced he’s mad at me. But I’m crazy. We’ve been over this.) And you’re lying if you claim to have never witnessed this nonsense. It happens all the goddamn time.

Missing someone is part of loving them. If you’re never apart, you never really know how strong your love is. –Anonymous

While it’s a rarity because most people think those from the past were idiots, I am obsessed with nostalgia. I treat it like the Golden Age: A time when men wore pinstriped suits, suspenders, and fedoras. Men drank whiskey and women sipped vodka spritzers because it was once considered important to be classy. It was an era where people actually had to know how to sing because their only backup was an orchestra. (Have you seen episodes of I Love Lucy where Ricky Ricardo sings at the Tropicana with his black hair and his bongos?! What a dreamboat!) It was a time when you actually had to pick up the phone to find out who was on the other line and then have a real time conversation with them.

And I know what you must be thinking: Women have a natural predication to craziness and we’re so blessed to have all the advantages of today’s day and age. I get it. Steve Jobs was a genius. But what I’m saying is back then, people tried. Married was considered part of your reputation. There was no long distance this or internet dating that. No getting married in a baseball cap and crop top while you’re drunk in Vegas. Now it’s like you’re given way too many chances to fail. It just seems way too chaotic and way too easy to just give up on something. Something that should be considered valuable and held in the highest respect.

I guess, despite all my feelings of hopeless romance and devotion, I just have a hard time understanding the whole idea of the proverbial long distance relationship. I can’t figure it out. I know in some situations, like the military, you have no choice but why would you intentionally choose to be with someone you see once a month? Or even less, in some cases? I mean, really, why even bother? How do those few days of fresh intimacy and expensive dinners make up for nearly a lifetime of loneliness? I’m sorry, but I need way too much attention for that warped brand of relationship lifestyle. (I know. Says the girl who has Pandora on her television because she literally can’t endure silence. Not for even a minute. It’s genetic, I think.) I don’t think I could ever do it. I’m far too tightly wrapped.

And wasn’t that just how life usually felt? A confusing swirl of ugly and rainbow? –Laura Anderson Kurk

I’m acquainted with this couple who has been engaged in a long distance relationship for a very long time. They’re a passionate couple, the type that loves as hard as they fight. When they’re together, it’s as if no time has passed, no distance exists between them. They’re like a version of Big and Carrie Bradshaw minus the lofty, rent controlled, New York City apartment. They go to those fancy, romantic dinners, buy each other extravagant gifts to exhibit their alleged love, and make exciting plans for their proverbial future together. Their energy is sensual and passionate. Seemingly existing only con amore.

However, when they aren’t together, when they’re on their own ends of the United States and living their “solitary” lives, things change drastically. All kinds of trouble lurks when these people are turned loose on their own. And they literally go from a united couple to two, very separated individuals. The lives they lead alone don’t seem to really involve the other person. They have their own friends, their own routines, their own romantic preferences and dialog for other people, and the habitual need to create their own unique existence separate from their long distance partner.

Not to put a label on it or sound accusatory, but it’s like they’re leading double lives: one where they celebrate their relationship together and one where they’re living the single life and doing whatever they deem appropriate in creating their own happiness.

I’m not the type of person who is going to judge another person for their lifestyle. But friends, I do not at all understand this. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why put forth all the alleged effort in maintaining a long distance relationship if you’re just going to stomp all over it by being a totally different person once your boyfriend or girlfriend goes home? When, let’s be real, a normal relationship where both people live under the same roof is difficult enough to keep alive. Regular love is hard enough to maintain.

I can’t wrap my brain around why people would intentionally put themselves through this. It doesn’t really seem conducive, for anyone involved, to partake in a voluntary commitment that you clearly aren’t all that invested in. It’s like buying a pair of flashy Carlos Santana pumps and wearing them in a rainstorm. Why sabotage yourself?

I found that I missed him the more he was absent from my life. And the more I missed him, the more I loved him. –Donna Lynn Hope

The other aspect of this involves those long distancers who never plan to be physically together. The ones that enlist themselves in this never ending road to disappointment. They date forever, states apart, content with quarterly visits. They have no intention of ever living together or being in the same zip code on a year round basis. I don’t get it! How do you know what you’ve gotten yourself into? Your long distance boyfriend who claims to be a high school English teacher could really be a homeless person using free wifi at Starbucks…

Or a serial killer! Or one of those Mormon guys with six wives, you know? You don’t know because you’re never there! You could go to visit him, go to sleep, and then wake up with all kinds of things missing. The next thing you know, you’ve sold the rights to your life story to the Lifetime Movie Network. I can see it now: Love in Montana: All He Wanted was My Kidney starring Marie Osmond and some no name male actor who had a recurring role on One Life to Live.

I am dead serious.

Stranger things have happened. These movies only get financed because that shit is real! They’re trying to warn you.

Moral of the Crazy: To be honest, anything is possible. I’ve seen way weirder things than the run of the mill long distance relationship. There are people who are dedicated to their mate in another time zone, people who buy lingerie for romantic Skype chats, and are comfortable with having a relationship that’s only intimate twice a year. But friends, I am NOT one of those people. That life is most certainly not for me. (If I had one more drink in me right now, I’d probably say something like, “I ain’t about that life,” with my rather unfortunate duck lips.)

I like being touched, cuddled, and catered to. I like seeing facial expressions, going to candlelit, whiskey soaked dinners, and looking over at my man from the rim of my rocks glass. But that’s me. That’s just my opinion.

I just think that relationships are difficult enough. I mean, LIFE is hard enough without all of these complications. I don’t realistically see how these types of relationships can work when there is no stability. What kind of control do you have over the success of your own relationship when you’re literally miles apart? How can you ever be on the same page? How can you ever really, truly know each other?

I’m not trying to discount anyone’s relationship because I’ve heard of people who are married for years, very happily, and they live in different states. If you’re a forthcoming and honest person, I suppose this long distance stuff can work if you really focus on your devotion. But when you’ve had a terrible day and you come home miserable and in need of some Jameson, who is there to put their arms around you? Who is there to hold your hand when you don’t feel like talking? Who is there to tell you it’s all a dream when you have a nightmare? Or make your bra a racer back so your straps don’t show like some rachet, Port Richey stripper? We can’t all be freakishly flexible…

But I’m not Dr. Phil or Diane Lockhart. It’s not as if my opinion is gospel. What it boils down to is doing what you feel in your heart is right, what’s good for you, what floats your boat. Love can bridge mountains, can overcome anything, and is all you really need. If you can get your ducks in a row, you can make anything work.

But as for me, I like attention from my mate. I’m lonesome for my husband when I’m away from him for eight hours. And it’s not just people who need attention. Relationships need constant care and attention too. They need maintenance and assessment; otherwise things can just fall apart.

Love is patient but there are limits. Long distance relationships can probably work but it takes effort. I’m not an advocate for that kind of lifestyle but I suppose if you’re up to it, it can work.

But personally, I like my love right where I can see it: In my own home grilling South African sausage.  

I love you from the distance of miles away, that sweet smile from afar that takes me to rest after a long day. –John Ray