Anything I cannot turn into something marvelous, I let go. –Anais Nin

Sometimes I just have those days, you know? Those days where absolutely nothing goes right; the days where your horoscope warned you not to get involved in anything too strenuous and you were all like, “Nah, I got this because #yolo.”

I have those days quite often and when I do, it sort of sets this trend and it leaves me just exhausted. Seriously, one little thing will go wrong and then it’s downhill from there. Then I get all disgruntled and start snapping at the people I care about. And it’s really frustrating because one thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other but it just happens. Because I just have a really hard time letting things go.

Oh my gosh, you guys, I cannot believe I just typed that out loud…

But as much as I hate to admit it, it’s totally true. Letting go of the things that ail me is something that, regrettably, I really need to work on. And it’s not because I’m hurting other people; it’s because I’m hurting myself.

Everybody’s got a past. The past does not equal the future unless you live there. –Tony Robbins

This is all due in part to the fact that I have a really good memory. I mean, yes, I had a child, as everyone loves to remind me. So some things, maybe rather fortunately for me, are fuzzy. But for the most part, the majority of my memories are clear as day. Some sad, some happy, some closed for the rest of my lifetime, and some open and bothering me.

Maybe because I didn’t get the last word. Or maybe because I feel like I never fully got my very valid point across. Or maybe it’s because I didn’t get to say what I really wanted to say. Maybe it’s that I didn’t use a mean enough curse word or really convey how genuinely sorry I was. Or still am.

And those are the things that I struggle to let go of.

But as time goes on, and I slowly get older, I’m starting to understand that maybe I’m the only one who is really affected. And maybe that isn’t to say that those other people “don’t care” or “don’t have feelings”. Maybe it’s just that they’re better at moving on and letting go. Maybe it’s just that they’re better at moving on with their life.

Maybe it’s just that they don’t cling to every single thing that happens like they’re stuck in a spider web on my patio. *face palm emoji*

Sometimes I find myself a bit jealous of those people. Because I can’t even imagine how liberating that must feel.

Moral of the Crazy: With everything that’s going on right now, most companies are closed and many people are out of work. Fortunately for my family, my husband and I are still able to work because are jobs are deemed “essential”. My husband works a ton of overtime, so I really only work once in a while right now.

But when I do, I’m a safe person who is a germaphob normally and I keep my distance from people. I’ve also ordered a mask from my employer and am waiting for it to arrive.

The other day I worked for a few hours and I felt like I was really helping people. Everyone (meaning my customers and other people still working right now) was so kind and appreciative. I felt good about what I was doing, especially when I shopped for those people who literally depend on this service everyday, not just because of this current pandemic.

But then this old guy randomly standing in a Publix parking lot really messed my day up. He asked where my mask was and I said I needed to get one because I didn’t feel the need to explain to a total stranger that I had ordered one and that my work was still processing the order. You know what that man said back to me?

“Yeah, you’d better get one before you kill someone’s mom, dad or grandparent.”

He said this without knowing my name or my story. Without knowing why I was walking into the store, what I was shopping for, or who was reaping the benefits. And it bothered me all day. In fact, it still bothers me.

Deep down, I know I should let it go because who even was that guy? No one of any importance to me. But the fact that he sort of threatened my character really bothered me. And I just can’t let it go. I hear those awful words over and over again.

(Not that any of this matters but the man that I delivered to immediately after that was so old he could barely open his front door to let me in. I was doing him a HUGE SERVICE by shopping for and bringing in his groceries. But you know me, the big a-hole social worker that’s out to murder other people’s parents and grandparents.)

But you know, I have just got to let this nonsense conversation go. It’s only me that it’s hurting, right?    I’m sure that crotchety boomer isn’t losing sleep over what he said to me. And I’m sure my ex boyfriend’s best friend isn’t losing sleep over friend requesting my husband on social media either.

But that’s a whole other story. One that doesn’t merit another moment of my time.

I have got to let it go. If it doesn’t serve me, I’ve got to let it go. Because holding onto things is just blackening my already fragile heart. And once it’s broken, well, that’s it.

So I’m praying; I’m searching for peace and spirituality. I’m doing yoga nearly everyday and I’m reading the stars. I’m meditating and exercising and writing to help myself truly purge the things I no longer need. Because life is just too short to do absolutely anything else.

So breathe in deep, friends, and let it all go.

Breathe, let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. –Oprah Winfrey