Are you guys every just like, Give me a PSL and the new Demi Moore memoir because life is insane and
I need a break, or is that just me? Do you ever just crave a break and some
silence? Moms, you feel me or nah?
Life has been literally
so crazy the last couple of weeks (and don’t even get me started on this
godforsaken time change…) and I’ve been really feeling the weight of neglecting
my favorite pastimes. I know that we’re all busy and I’m sure we all feel like
this from time to time, sort of stuck in that everyday rut of life, but I
literally feel like all I’ve done is work, sleep, and entertain people. I feel
like I’ve had no time to myself lately and not in the you can’t even use the bathroom by yourself because that’s mom life kind of way. But in the I literally haven’t had three seconds to
remember what day it is kind of way.
My house was literally half a wreck until yesterday when I
spent my first day off in forever cleaning, doing dishes, and washing what felt
like weeks’ worth of clothes. (And spoiler alert: I still didn’t get everything done.) I seriously need to buy new
pants because none of mine fit at the moment and I almost certainly need to
wash my hair.
Is this how life is for everyone? Is it just me? Because to
be honest, I feel like lately I’ve been neglecting the people and things that
are really important to me. I’m curious as to whether or not this is normal
because to be real with you guys, it’s hard not
to feel like I’m sort of failing right now.
Is this common, this sometimes chronic feeling of feeling
uninspired? I wouldn’t call it depressed or unhappy really but just more
exhausted with the daily grind and unmotivated to do anything fun. Am I the
only one?
My husband and I do the opposite schedule thing because we
don’t have childcare at the moment and recently my dad came to visit. He’s
super fun and works a lot so when he’s on vacation it’s like, party mode all the time. I almost always
drink too much, eat too much, cry about how many carbs I ate and then promise
to diet super hardcore everyday until he comes again.
Well, this time, I was just blah. I was just so tired from
working so much (and to be fair, it’s probably not so much compared to anyone else but coupled with taking care of my
super active two-year-old, it’s a lot.
For me, anyway.) and lately everything gives me a headache so I had one beer
with him at the hotel bar and then said I was done.
Then he ordered a pizza from the place across from where he
was staying (which I’ve heard is rave-worthy) and I took a few bites and said I
was full. Nothing tasted good. Nothing helped me to really relax and enjoy
myself. I guess I can’t explain it other than blah.
So the next day, we traveled across the state to visit my
sister for an overnight trip. Sure, that promises to be exhausting. It’s a lot
of driving in one day, it was a long, early day for my daughter, and then my
sister had me out running errands with her. Everyone (except me) drank too much
and we ate too late. I was grumpy, tired, ready for bed, and again, just not
really relaxing in the way I like to.
No food tasted good. No alcohol comforted me in the way that
it has in the past and aside from my lifelong camaraderie with my sister and
how cute it was to see my sleepy child refusing to stop playing, the overnight
stay was just blah.
And I feel really bad saying
that because it wasn’t anything that anyone did. It was me. I feel like I’m
just in an immovable state right now. Nothing tastes good on my tongue and
nothing really satisfies me. It’s kind of like those stories of the proverbial
hell where your thirst is incessantly unquenched, where you eat until you’ve
literally stuffed yourself but you’re still hungry.
You’re just sort of stagnant. Not happy, not sad, just there.
We would never tell
someone with a broken leg that they should stop wallowing and get it together.
We don’t consider taking medication for an ear infection something to be
ashamed of. –Michelle Obama
I’ve noticed it a lot with the people in my life too. And to
be honest, it’s sort of hard for me to talk about because I don’t want to
offend anyone. With some of my family and close friends, it’s especially hard
to even bring up because I don’t know how to say that I just don’t feel like
myself without causing alarm. Because I’m totally fine; I’m just blah.
One of my girlfriends texted me a couple weeks ago and she
asked me how I was doing and I responded back, “I’ve been better,” and when she
didn’t respond back, at first I was like, “She’s not even going to ask me what
I mean by that…?” But then I thought about it and I just assumed that she knew
how I was feeling. That it wasn’t something I could really open up about
because it was sort of hard to explain.
And it’s not a ding to any one person in my life. I can tell
that people care about me because they check in every so often and as I tell
myself, if they didn’t care, they wouldn’t ask. But sometimes it’s just hard to
pull out that part of your brain and show it to people, even people that love
you. Because for me, I get it, it’s weird. It’s hard to explain and I just
can’t put a finger on how I’m feeling.
I probably sound, like I’ve always feared, like a mental
patient. Like someone who hasn’t got her wires crossed quite right and I hate
that feeling of inadequacy, especially when it’s something I can’t control.
And sometimes, retreating is the only way I know how to not seem crazy. No news is good news,
right? Because even just typing this “out loud” for the world to see is giving
me second thoughts. But I know I can’t be the only one who’s felt this before.
A few weeks ago, my best friend and I spent Halloween
together with my daughter because my husband had to close at work. A few days
prior to that, I had told her that I wasn’t feeling like myself, that maybe my
postpartum anxiety or whatever was coming back, that I was embarrassed to say
it but that I was like, craving to
hang out with her. When we got together on Halloween, she kept talking to me
and asking me questions about what was going on and honestly, I just didn’t
feel up to talking. Trying to explain everything I was feeling and even talking
about some of the current events in my life seemed exhausting.
But just being around her made me feel ten times brighter.
And maybe it was because I didn’t have to explain how I felt. Because she could sense it, she could
feel who I was inside at that moment, and she knew that just being there was
enough. Because sometimes I get messed up and it’s hard for me to open up on a
relatable level to people who aren’t total
nut jobs. (And I totally mean that in the nicest, most endearing way possible.)
Moral of the Crazy: I
started this blog a few weeks ago and quite frankly, just didn’t have the
energy or the time to finish and post it. I’m picking it up at a different time
in my mood cycle (so to speak) and I’m telling you, I feel so much better.
For awhile there, my child was in the habit of not napping,
which was super strange for me and also, super freaking exhausting. I was
running on a lot less sleep than normal, I was working a lot more than usual
(I’m actually still doing both of those things, now that I think about it…
#timechange), and I think I just have really semi-serious ups and downs since I
had a child. Sure, my kid napping again has helped, this minor weather change
has helped (now that it’s not stick-to-your-car-seats hot) but the reality is,
I think sometimes, people just have moments.
A few weeks ago, when I was still feeling the effects of
this aforementioned rut, my aunt and I were talking on the phone and she asked
me how I was feeling. Because I wasn’t sure what she meant, I said, “How do you
mean?” and she said, “Well, I can sense you’ve been a little down for a little
while.”
Since I’m writing this blog in two segments, in two vastly
different moods (I’m sure that’s
obvious), I’ve had some time to think about all of this. It’s sort of like
childbirth: you tend to forget the pain of what you’ve felt in the past and
honestly, that’s just your brain’s incredible ability to heal itself.
The truth is that I thought I sort of slinked away like an
ugly shadow when I started having these feelings but people noticed. And maybe it’s because I wasn’t blowing them up
with funny gifs and comments but maybe it’s just because they cared enough to notice. The other friend that I mentioned
earlier, who didn’t remark when I said that I had “been better” made a similar
comment.
I felt the need to apologize to her because honestly, I’ve
just been a shitty friend to everyone
lately. I haven’t called people back or really reached out to anyone the last
few weeks simply because of how I was feeling. You know what she said back? “I
knew something was off with you; sometimes we need to step away. I knew you’d
be back.” Then, of course, she asked me a few specific questions about how I
was feeling, if it was anything specific that had happened to make me feeling
this way, etc.
I guess I’m writing about all of this because this is new
territory for me. Sure, I’ve always had anxiety on the relatively normal
spectrum (unless you ask my husband…) but I’ve never really had any specific up
or down feelings. I know I’m “okay” but now I struggle with how to feel better
sometimes because it’s hormonal, it’s awkward to talk about, and sometimes I
don’t get any reprieve at all. Sometimes I can’t just “go blow off steam”, so
it takes me some time to get back to “being me”.
The truth is, I know I’m not special; I know I’m not the
only one who has ever felt this way. But for me, personally, it’s awkward to
open up about. I have a really hard time coming forward with my husband and
even my close friends because how do you say, “I just don’t feel [mentally]
well and I can’t explain why”?
Maybe it is
hormonal and maybe babies mess you up (just a joke, guys). And while maybe it’s
also getting easier and easier to talk about (thanks to awesome celebrities who
really strip down and are honest with their public), sometimes, the struggle is
just real. Too real.
I just want you to know, if you’re like me, or even if
you’re not, I’m a vault. You can always talk to me. And you know what? All my
friends are golden in that way. I think every single one of my friends would be
physically tortured before they would rat out some neurotic nonsense I told
them.
Because when it comes down to it, we’re all just people.
We’re all wearing the same panties and putting our leggings on one leg at a
time. I mean, unless you don’t wear leggings and then, just, bye. (… mostly
kidding.)
Take care of yourself first. I love you. And so do your
people.
Just because you
don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t so. –Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book
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