Many, many years ago now, I was in a fairly serious
relationship with this awful person. Those of you that know me know that this
relationship was a scary one, that my partner of sorts was extremely abusive,
and that because of all of this, I still feel some of the rippling
after-effects of that relationship.
Sure, it’s been a really long time but there are some things
that can’t be unheard. There are some things that can’t be repaired. There are
some things that just never really go back to the way they were.
I’m not the only one who has experienced this and
unfortunately for our future as a people, I certainly won’t be the last.
Sometimes people are just hurtful and hateful; sometimes things just can’t be
unsaid.
One of the biggest things that I struggle with, to this day,
because of him, is body issues. I know, on a realistic scale, I’m not obese. I
know I’m fairly petite in stature; I know that I’m probably thinner and in
better shape than some, but I still
struggle. I compare myself to other people and I look at my girlfriends
with their tiny waists and perfect abs and I’m just like, “Why do I even bother
trying to look cute?”
Some of this stems from normal, female insecurities. I have
a friend who is a legitimate, albeit retired, lingerie model. I have another
friend who is literally so perfect and skinny, I just want to never take a
picture beside her again. I have other friends who just exude confidence and it
comes through every time I look at them. I also have a sister who was literally
worshipped throughout our entire lives, while I just sat there being “the cute
one”.
This is all normal; I know it is. Everybody has things that
they wish they had and things they wish they didn’t. I don’t know that men
struggle with this as much as women (and maybe that’s because men just aren’t
as innately shallow as women- but that’s a whole other blog topic) but I
understand that these are normal
insecurities. I’m no different from anyone else.
But the domestic violence part of this comes in because I
still have some insecurities that stem solely from him. I’m sure some of his other ex-girlfriends do too. I know
they’re nonsense; I know he literally had no room to judge anyone on anything but they’re still there.
Threatening my inner peace, reminding me why it is that I try not to eat so
many carbs.
It was a long time ago; I don’t really recall the
conversation. It was something about me and the jeans I was wearing (I apparently
had no fashion sense, in case you
were unaware. Laughable, considering the guy was color blind and only shopped at Pacific Sunwear…). Maybe
they were too tight; maybe it was something like, “Your pants look like they
were painted on,” or something. (And just to make a comment here: how are jeans
supposed to fit you? Unless they’re
boyfriend jeans, they’re tight and
they’re supposed to be, am I right? Um hello, why else do people squat?)
Anyway, here comes this totally xenophobic comment about my
Italian genes (… see what I did there?) because allegedly it’s my fault I was born into an Italian
family. It was something like, “Oh, all
Italian women have saddle-bags”. As if A, anyone could ever even possibly
know that to be true, and B, I had never even heard of the term saddle-bags as
a female body part until that exact moment. Like, where did he even get this
information?
‘Cause if you like
the way you look that much, then baby, you should go and love yourself. –Justin
Bieber, Love Yourself
I’ve personally always found that the most inwardly insecure
people are usually the most judgmental. I’m sure a lot of his alleged aesthetic
issues with me were derived from his total lack of self-esteem. In fact, I’m
sure the reason that he is so outwardly cocky is because he is totally
overcompensating. (I actually know this to be true but since I don’t have the
doctor abbreviation before my name, I wouldn’t want to speculate…)
Anyway, the point is, we all have insecurities, right? Even
those of us who act like we’re inherently better than everyone else. Even those
of us who dominate, abuse, and manipulate others. Even those who name call,
judge and belittle their partners. Probably even especially those people.
But regardless, because of all these said insecurities that I am personally dealing with, what my
idiot ex-boyfriend said has always stayed with me. It doesn’t matter who has
tried to correct since, it’s just something I’ll always kind of remember.
My husband has told me a multitude of times that he “loves
my thick legs” and he “loves my shapely butt,” but all those sweet words don’t
outweigh that mean ones. It’s kind of like when you do a million good things
but people seem to only remember the really bad stuff?
So as a result of this, I’ve always targeted what I deemed to be my “problem area” in my work
outs. I used to do a million and one squats because I just thought I had to.
Because I was Italian and by that logic, apparently had a big butt and curvy
legs to deal with. So after those squats, I would sit on that hip abductor
machine for awhile and then do thirty minutes of uphill cardio. Because obviously,
“Italian women have saddle-bags”, and clearly, nobody finds that beautiful.
Moral of the Crazy: As
most of you know, I had a baby two years ago. (I’m actually still struggling
with saying, “I just had a baby,” and then people say, “Oh really, how old is
your baby?” and then I’m like, “Wait, two. I guess I didn’t just have a baby…”
And as I’m sure most of you also know, when you have a baby,
everything changes. It’s not just the
flat tummy you might have had before you grew a baby inside of it. Your hair
changes, your memory changes, your skin changes, your tiredness and sleep
patterns change (and that has nothing to really do with taking care of the
actual child). Like literally, people always say it but it’s so true.
Everything changes. I even have some shoes that don’t fit the same anymore.
It’s the weirdest thing.
So naturally, my energy levels have changed (even just
hormonally) and on top of taking care of a baby and working almost full time, sometimes
I’m just like, forget it, when it
comes to working out and dieting. You know what I mean? I make myself do it so
I don’t cry when I put clothes on but essentially, I’m just not the same person
I was athletically. And that’s really saying
something.
Weirdly enough, when I first
had my daughter, I lost a ton of weight super
fast and was even skinnier than before I was pregnant. Then I quit
breastfeeding and it was like, holy cow I’m almost as heavy as I was when I was
about to give birth. And people don’t believe that but it’s totally true.
And cue the insecurities, am I right? Moms, you get me,
here. I literally don’t have three seconds to even wing my eyeliner these days
and I’m already sort of struggling with my appearance. Now add some super late
baby weight into the mix and I’m like, “Who am I?” (Also, can I still claim
“baby weight” two years later or is that kind of accusatory?)
So these last few weeks, I’ve gotten back into yoga and I’ve
been trying really hard to eat less bagel sandwiches and organic breakfast
burritos. (You laugh, but like I told some guy in the grocery store the other
day, “I love carbs. I wish there was a PRO-CARB diet that was responsible for
weight loss because it would just make me so
happy.” And to my delight, he agreed with me!)
I started to realize that you know what? Your body changes
after you have a baby; it is what it is. My mom was a rail after she had me but
she was a stay-at-home mom to a newborn and a seven year-old and at the time,
was going through a divorce. Everyone is different; every body is different and every situation is different. Sometimes I
beat myself up over those awesome, super inspiring people that I follow on
Instagram because they’re moms and they are RIPPED.
But you know what? So what?
Because I will get there. I’ve done it before. And honestly,
I have a lot more stamina now when it comes to working out and I’m probably a
lot more advanced that I was in previous years. My whole body has changed and
maybe that’s why the “same old routines” aren’t working for me anymore.
The other day, I did this wicked leg workout. It was called
something like Backside Burner and I had to laugh because it was all these hip,
leg and butt workouts. Immediately, I was sort of compelled to be taken back to
that moment when my ex said, “All Italian women have saddle-bags…”
Then I started feeling the burning in the my legs and I was
giggling because my daughter was trying to squat with me and hang on me like some
sort of monkey freak while I was doing backward lunge reaches. I started to get
really pumped (my husband always says the best drug is a workout because he
rides on the high all day) and I thought to myself, “I’m a natural Kardashian
and there are women out there who squat.for.days to get a booty like mine. Why
am I still letting this bother me?”
Because I’m a survivor. Because I’ve heard a lot of nasty
comments about my body. Because I’m a mom. Because I’m not comfortable with my
body right now.
But let’s be real: how many people are 100% satisfied with
how they look? Because if anyone tells you that, they’re lying.
I cringe even saying this but I’m beautiful. And like most
moms, I’ve been through some changes and I have to work to look the way I want.
But in the meantime, I don’t think my husband is going to kick me out of bed
for eating crackers. (Is that the expression? Because I’m more a Skinny Pop and
plantain chip kind of gal…)
The truth is that you’ve just got to love yourself. Because
not everyone else will. And that’s okay because maybe they’re just too busy
worrying about their own securities. The other truth is that oftentimes, people
are inclined to be bitter and disrespectful, or deliberately hurtful and
condescending because they don’t like themselves.
Chances are, it has nothing to do
with you. And everything to do with
them.
Keep your words kind, because you never know when you’ll
have to eat them. Especially when you’re talking to yourself.
Band-Aids don’t fix
bullet holes. –Taylor Swift, Bad Blood
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