Have you ever been so angry that maybe you can’t see
straight? Ever been so anxious about an argument that you’re literally sweating
when you’re telling your side of the story? Ever been so remotely empty after a
bitter spat that you just can’t seem to function correctly?
I mean, hello. I’m a mom. I’m basically there everyday
because I have a relatively unruly (but incredibly adorable) two-year old.
Let’s be real; everyday is a fight in my household and every time I hear the
word “uh-uh”, I basically contemplate taking kickboxing class to unleash my
anger in a healthy manner.
But what happens when this kind of thing occurs in real
life? What happens when you think you
know someone and their reaction but maybe you’re off your game? What happens
when you trust a family member or friend and vent out of frustration and your
words get all turned around? What happens when you’re a part of a crazy, but
super fun family and things get all messed up?
It happens. I know I’m not the only one. I know that it’s
common to be involved in a game of telephone, as my aunt put it, and feel
really frustrated when you don’t get your say. Sometimes you need to vent and your
words pummel out of your mouth, running away from you. I’m definitely one of those passionate, emotional people that literally
puts their foot in their mouth frequently and totally by accident.
The other day, for example, I was being dramatic (I know,
right? Super shock…) while I was talking to my aunt. I don’t even remember what
I was talking about but I said, really passionately, “Oh my gosh, I almost had
a stroke,” and then I totally backpedaled and said, “bad joke, sorry that was
really inappropriate!” She laughed and shrugged it off because to be fair, I’m
sure it’s a comment she’s made before.
But probably not to someone who has had an actual stroke… (I
did this once to a really close friend of mine too who had been previously
struggling with suicidal ideations. Obviously, because I’m an idiot and I’m me,
I said something like, “Oh my gosh, Whole Foods makes me want to KILL MYSELF.”
Go ahead and insert the face palm emoji here. I don’t know why I do these
things. I swear I’m really a very thoughtful person.
You don’t have to
have it all figured out to move forward. –Roy T. Bennett
But basically, something happened. Long story short, I
wasn’t really assertive where I should have been. (You guys, isn’t that so
weird?!, she said really sarcastically.) And I got super angry at someone I
really love, someone who is really close to me, for something that she didn’t
even realize bothered me. I vented to a family member and it got around the
family (because hello, I’m basically part of the Sopranos minus the gangster
part) and it caused this big, huge argument. Things were said, people got angry
and a few of us didn’t talk for a few months.
And to be real with you, I was mad but I wasn’t that mad. And losing that person, even
if only temporarily, sucked. I kept
beating myself up over the fact that I had unintentionally instigated all of
this and was so hurt by the way we had all just opted to not talk to each
other. Because honestly, it just didn’t seem like something any of us would normally
do.
But it’s since been fixed and I’m telling you, when we did talk, it was like no time had
passed. And it was totally bittersweet because I felt like I had missed a lot
but the stuff I missed was like, huge life steps that are making them better
people. It was great to resolve things and then hear how amazing they’re doing.
And when she was like, “Oh my gosh, so what’s new with
you…?” I was like, “Well, Brooklyn refuses to
wear clothes and rides the dog like a small pony but other than that, things
haven’t changed.”
But the point is, all of this got me to thinking because I
just don’t like leaving things unresolved; I don’t like cutting people out of
my life unless they are awful, terrible people and I’m telling you: this person
was not. We all have moments where we act crazy and this woman’s heart is just
so pure. I was heartsick just letting her and her husband walk away forever.
I started thinking about my upbringing, about my crazy,
f-wording family, about my husband’s crazy f-wording family, and I started to
realize that although I love them and they clearly did great jobs raising us (I
mean, obviously, right?), I don’t want to be in that situation where I’ve cut
everyone out.
If they’re not harming me, my husband, or my child, it can
be talked out. (And I’m not talking about hurt feelings because seriously, if I
cut out everyone who hurt my feelings at one point or another, I would
literally be alone. I don’t know if my daughter would even be in my life!
Two-year olds can be awful.) It needs to be talked out. Resolving things
is a life skill and something that I want my daughter to know how to do.
Moral of the Crazy:
It’s funny how, when you have children, your total mindset changes about
literally everything. I mean, people are always saying things like that but
it’s something you can’t truly experience until you’ve got a little crazy
person running around your living room.
Lately I’ve been flip flopping on things a lot because she’s
watching me and instead of doing what I want
to do, I’m doing what I would want her
to do. In this situation, for example, I kept maintaining that I was so angry I
would never voluntarily fix it. (To be fair, I don’t think my husband ever
believed that. He knows me too well.)
I just started to realize that it was awkward for me, on so
many levels. I always was working in their neighborhood, stressing about what
would happen if I saw them, worrying that it would cause further problems with
my family. And then it went deeper than that; I would see something funny and
although my first instinct was to text one of them, I couldn’t. Because texting
first would be taking blame, right? And I couldn’t do that.
It came down to me really missing both of them and quite
frankly, not being mad about any of it anymore. It was driving me crazy that
something that was no longer even a cause for frustration was keeping us apart.
Like seriously, isn’t that the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard?
And you know, one of my aunts said it best. She said,
“Giving in or calling first doesn’t make you the weaker one. Deciding to end
the feud or apologizing for what you might
have done doesn’t mean you’re the one that’s wrong. Moving forward and forgiving
both sides makes you a better person, not the other way around.”
And the craziest part about all of this is it didn’t even
come to that. We were both sorry, we both wanted to reach out to the other,
and we were both being stubborn about
something we weren’t even mad about anymore. We were on the same page and it
was literally sorted out in three seconds. (Then we “caught up” for two and
half hours because we had to make up for lost time.)
You can lose people so
quickly and honestly, I almost lost my dad over a decade ago, I almost lost
one aunt to cancer, and one uncle was so near death he had to make a drastic
lifestyle change and sometimes, it’s like I forget all that. I forget my sweet
friend that was once suicidal, I forget how people lose their babies or their
children, how people have car accidents or are involved in crazy mass
shootings. I forget about my own child’s godfather who is a veteran and has
lost nearly all of his friends. It’s so easy to get lost in your own anger.
You have to just let things go with the understanding that
sometimes things happen, sometimes people hurt you, whether they mean to or
not, and sometimes people react out of anger. And you know what? That’s okay
because we are passionate, sensitive, brilliant humans with the power to
forgive and love each other through it. We have to love each other when we’re
the furthest from loveable and I think sometimes that’s what I forget. Because it’s easier to just give up.
For a while.
So if they didn’t murder a family member or abuse your child
out of hatred, let it go. And try to
remember some of the areas in which you’re lacking. Because there is only one
perfect person. And he’s up in the sky encouraging you and loving you anyway.
Take care, sweet people. You’ve got a friend in me.
The child who acts
unlovable is the child who most needs to be loved. –Cathy Rindner Tempelsman
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