As some of you may, or maybe don’t know, I’m a semi-retired
social worker. And I say semi-retired purely because, like most people, I
wanted to start a family and when I finally did, it turns out that I didn’t
really have any suitable childcare options. So for the moment, my social work
career (that I’m still insanely passionate about) is on the backburner and I’ve
opted to do something else to help provide for my family.
Currently, I’m shopping for and delivering groceries for one
of the more popular companies that provides this service. Sometimes, when
people ask me what I do, I get embarrassed when I admit that I’ve resorted to
delivering groceries because people get judgey. I mean, shouldn’t we all be
selling million dollar homes on the beach, saving lives in poorly funded
hospitals, or working out of ritzy law firms? Because those sorts of things clearly say a lot about the person you
are, am I right?
But then I realized that I have nothing to be embarrassed
about. I’m still providing a service to people who need it. I’m still shopping
for and delivering groceries to handicapped people or the elderly, giving them
perhaps the only company they’ll have all week. I’m still helping out really
busy people, like those aforementioned doctors and lawyers, who really don’t
have the time to shop for themselves or their families. And quite honestly,
sometimes I’m delivering to stay-at-home moms who have a bunch of kids and just
don’t have the energy to deal with them while they buy milk.
Moms, we’ve all been there,
right? Sometimes a Kids Club cookie from Publix just isn’t enough to keep your
child from acting a fool in public. So I get it now, and I quit beating myself
up over something that is helping both other people and my family. Because at
the end of the day, we’re all just doing what we need to do to get by and
there’s really nothing to be embarrassed about when people ask me what I do for
work.
But the other day, I was having some of these same feelings
again. I was feeling guilty because my husband and I work opposite shifts
everyday (I know, lots of people do it). I was feeling frustrated because I was
given an order away from my house (I know, I could be commuting this far everyday,
and did so, in fact, when I worked in child safety). I was feeling insecure
about how I looked because I’ve gained weight and am forced to wear not-so-cute
“fat pants” lately because none of my shorts fit and it’s so hot right now (I know, I know, it’s Florida and it’s hot in the
dead of winter). And despite the fact that I got a free coffee at Starbucks and
was shopping for a big, lucrative order, I was disgruntled, grumpy, and annoyed
at life in the moment.
And then I went into the store to use the restroom after my
hour long drive.
Stop acting as if
life is a rehearsal. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.
–Wayne Dyer
I unbuttoned my “fat pants” and sat down to go pee. I sat
and blew out a long breath, enjoying the frigid air conditioning that is always
prevalent at Publix. Since I became a mom, it seems like the only time I’m
really alone is when I use the
bathroom in public places. And even then, it’s only sometimes.
Then I heard it.
POP, POP. SCREAM. One tick of silence. POP, POP. SCREAM. One
tick of silence.
I lifted my head, silent in the restroom, clutching my phone
and frozen in panic. Was that an active shooter I heard? I mean, let’s be real,
I’ve definitely heard about stranger things happening in a local grocery store.
A million thoughts ran through my head but honestly, only one kept rolling
around: This is that moment, I
thought, the moment I die.
I contemplated calling 911. But what if someone heard me? I
thought about calling Wez and telling him I love him more than anything and to
take care of Brooklyn in my absence. But
again, I couldn’t risk someone hearing me. I thought about maybe texting him
instead but I wasn’t sure how I could possibly tell him what I felt via text.
Afraid to flush the toilet, I quickly pulled up my pants and
stood frozen in the stall for a moment. I was close to the exit but the noise
sounded so close. Could I make it? Should I just hide and wait it out? Could I
really be that person who was a coward and sit silently in a bathroom stall?
Was that who I was? Putting myself over everyone else?
Then something occurred to me: were these automatic toilets?
Would the toilet flush now that I was standing and give me away?
My heart thudded in my chest so loud I could hear it. My
hand kept clutching my phone and I stood completely still, honing my musician’s
ears on whatever was going on outside the stall. Was it chatter I heard outside
the door? I furrowed my brow and listened harder, leaning against the stall
door, shivering.
It was chatter, I was certain. I waited another few moments
before I ventured out of the stall and then out of the bathroom. I pushed the
bathroom door open and crouched low, nearly bumping the cart where I had left
it when I ran in quickly to pee. I looked up and saw three boys looking at me
like I was crazy. I shot looks all along the store and tried to take everything
in.
Everything was fine. No one was hurt. Life had continued
without me and I had nothing to worry about.
One of the boys sort of shoved the cart toward me and smiled
at me, probably trying to figure out what was wrong with me. “Okay guys, calm
down,” he said to the other boys. They looked at me and walked away.
I clutched the cart and breathed for a moment, taking
another glance around the store to make sure things were okay. I swear to God,
I’ve never been so scared; I don’t think I ever shook so violently from fear.
And I spent the entire shopping trip
studying the people around me, making sure I hadn’t missed something huge.
It turns out that the women I delivered to was absolutely
incorrigible. Maybe I just caught her on a bad day but I couldn’t help thinking
I can’t believe that I almost
hypothetically died for this woman.
I don’t know what I heard, friends but it was real. I just assume that maybe those
boys were playing and making all kinds of racket but I’m telling you, it was terrifying. That night, I went
home after an even further chaotic evening (nothing as traumatic but it didn’t
get much better, if I’m honest) and told my husband immediately.
And you know what? I cried. I actually cried when I was
telling him.
I’m not much of a crier these days but I just couldn’t stop
my emotions while I recounted to him what had happened, or what I thought had
happened. I kept saying I was sorry, that I was so embarrassed to be so
emotional over something that didn’t even happen. I kept saying that I couldn’t
understand why I was so upset when nothing really
happened.
He rubbed my arm and said, “I absolutely do; this is the
world we live in now.”
Moral of the Crazy: And
you know, what he said struck me as memorable because it was something that I
had heard before, and quite recently.
A few weeks ago, I was working a bit further north with my
best friend. We were waaaaay out in the boondocks (my personal favorite place
to be) and we were winding down this dirt road, following the GPS to another
grocery delivery.
As we went further down the road, I could sense my city girl
best friend’s uncomfortable nature. “What’s wrong?” I smiled at her as she
tensed in her seat. “Nothing,” she looked out the window, “but this totally
looks like the type of place a serial killer would live.”
“Um no, this is where people come to get away from serial
killers,” I corrected her and chuckled.
We continued driving and saw some people walking down the
road. They waved and I waved back. “Do you know them?” she asked, moderately
alarmed. “No,” I replied, “Why?”
She went on to explain that in today’s world, you just need
to be careful who you’re friendly to because people get the wrong idea. She
furthered that our parents’ generation grew up smiling and greeting strangers
but that you can’t really do that anymore. “That’s just the world we live in
now,” she shrugged.
I don’t know what
I’ve become; I need to get back to where I’m from. –What Have I Done. LeAnn Rimes
I guess this past week has shown me a lot; maybe some things
I’ve wanted to learn and maybe some things I haven’t. The truth is that we do live in a scary world. There is a lot
of hate, there is a lot of ignorance, and there are plenty of people who just
want to be right. It seems like long gone are the days of listening and
understanding, tenderness and love for your fellow man, and the willingness to
just allow people to be who they want to be.
And while I could get political, I absolutely will not.
Because then I would just be a hypocrite. And plus, this is a Mom Blog, am I
right? Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m not here to hurt anyone’s feelings
or force people to think like I do.
But what I did learn
is that life could be gone in a moment. I did learn that even though nothing
happened that day in Publix, something easily could have. And lately I’ve been
struggling with myself and the truth is, I don’t want who I am right now to be a reflection of who I’ve
always been. I learned that you’ve just got to live life in the moment and stop
letting little things bother you because just
like that, it can be snatched away from you.
I’ve learned that the only way to become the person I want
to be is to just f-wording do it. Not spend my life complaining about how hard
stuff is.
So sing your favorite song at the top of your lungs, dye
your hair unicorn colors, grab a drink with your old best friend, and tell the
people you love that you love them. Because you may not always have that
chance. Take hold of it while you still can.
I love you, internet friends, be safe out there.
The only time you
ever have in which to learn anything is this moment because this is the only
moment any of us ever get. You’re only
here now; you’re only alive in this moment. –Jon Kabat-Zinn
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