Lately, I’ve been in kind of a weird mood. I’ve been telling
my friends and family that I just don’t feel like myself. And maybe that’s
because it’s hard for me to really
explain how I feel. But regardless, it’s exhausting and I’m over it. It’s time
to take back the control of my life and quit wasting such precious time.
Recently, my husband and I were talking about my blog,
specifically the direction I want to take it in. He smiled at me with this
weird smile and I could tell he had something to say. “Promise not to get offended if I tell you something?” he
asks me and truth be told, I get instantly annoyed because he says offended like it’s a disease.
“Sure,” I shrug because I’m obviously going to get offended.
Because I clearly have that disease. We all know this.
“It’s just that lately,” he scratches his beard and
genuinely tries to be nice about it, “you’ve been posting kind of…” he gives up
being nice and looks at me, “well, it just seems like you’re talking a lot of
shit.” I stare at him with big eyes. It’s my standard look. The whole deer in
headlights thing kind of suits me, if I’m honest. “Maybe you should post more
inspiring things. Like you used to.”
At first, I got a little sour. I thought to myself Um, excuse me but you are the grumpiest
sweetheart I’ve ever met. How could you ever talk about anyone being angsty and
“talking shit”? Whatever, wash your own clothes.
But then I started to realize that he was totally right.
Because you know what? As much as the person who was the subject of my most
recent bashing totally fucking deserved
it, I was talking shit. And as
enjoyable as it is for me to let the whole world know who she really is,
there’s no need to stoop to her level.
I don’t like being a hypocrite. But sometimes my temper gets
the best of me. And I know no better way of communication than writing. Because
that’s what I do. It seemed like the option most likely to exhibit the least
amount of cuss words.
A simple, southern
way to say “kiss my behind”, politely tear you apart with “sweetie, bless your
heart”. –LeAnn Rimes, Spitfire
See, what’s happened is I’ve been experiencing all these
different emotions. I emote extremely
well friends. I don’t typically get overwhelmed about normal, day-to-day things. I don’t really know what it means to be
sad because that’s not something I’ve ever really experienced until recently
(post-baby hormones are real, friends).
Sure, I have anxiety but it has never crippled me to the point that I don’t
want to leave my house most days.
Recently, I was at Target with my daughter and my mom called
me. I answered and she asked what I was doing. When I told her I was at Target,
she replied, “… by yourself with Brooklyn ?”
because I’ve changed. I’m not the
person I was and that’s totally okay. But I’m not comfortable with it so I’m
working on it.
I don’t want to be a crotchety shut-in with frown lines.
And then something else happened, like these things tend to
do. I was extremely betrayed and slandered by some miniscule, awful individual
who thinks that she has some semblance of importance in my life. That’s
because, to be fair, she once did. But then things changed because I don’t take
kindly to be tough-talked, insulted, and gossiped about. I also don’t respond
well to a blatant lack of respect, name calling and personal things being used
against me. Like, real talk? When someone confides
in you and then you use it against them in an Instagram post? You’re a piece of
shit.
Especially when that person is a family member that you
claim to love so much you allegedly moved
to Florida
for them. So find your next rich family member and pray for an inheritance
because I don’t have time for your nonsense. And obviously, since I can’t help
you financially, I’m of no use to you anyway.
And this is probably the moment where my husband is reading
this and saying, “See?! Shit talking!” I prefer to think of it as chronicling
the events of my life but whatever. I guess I’m a little guilty of shit talking but that’s only because I’m defending
myself. And it’s not fair that some
people can get away with saying whatever they want to whomever they want and
some people can’t. But I guess that’s America . And social media.
Everyone is tough behind their iPhone.
The point is I allowed someone to get under my skin. Someone
whose character I’ve been warned about, someone who has been known to cause
trouble, someone who I was pretty stupid to trust. I’ve learned my lesson and
there’s no going back. But because I was so hurt and angry, I allowed her to
have power over me. And that’s not happening anymore because the truth is, I do have inspiring things to write. And
she’s at the other end of the county super busy doing nothing with her life.
#endshittalking. Probably.
“And our credo: Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc.
'We gladly feast on those who would subdue us.' Not just pretty words.”
–Morticia Addams, The Addams Family
But the truth is that I do
want to write inspiring, positive things because I think that people really
need it sometimes. And I’ve done a lot
of really cool things in my short life and if I can touch one person, it’s
worth it. Recently, I wrote a blog about an experience I had when my daughter
was first born and although I wouldn’t say it was “inspiring”, per se, it was
something that was relatable. I even had a friend text me and say she
identified so much with a lot of the things I wrote about because she recently
had a baby and is dealing with some pretty serious anxiety.
I want to write things that make people stop and think, that
remind them how great they are, and to show them that even someone like me,
from Crown Point, Indiana, can do awesome things. I want my posts to be read
with positivity and I want people to want
to read my blog, not be bogged down by it because it’s depressing AF. And you
know what? Being positive is cool, despite what people try to maintain.
And sometimes, it’s really hard to keep up that positive
attitude (which, by the way, I used to be really
good at before I had my daughter) and when you can, even when things are
upside-down, that makes you really
fucking cool. Because we all know how easy it is to get down. Because
sometimes, life just sucks, people are terrible, and you never seem to have
what you need, when you need it, am I right?
But the reality is that miserable people are not fun to be
around. And I hope that doesn’t sound insensitive because I have totally been
dealing with some emotional issues and I would never demean anyone else for how they feel. But it’s a fact.
Positive, perky, I hate to say it but, outwardly happy people are just more of a good time than those that are not.
Because who wants to be intentionally miserable all the time?
I mean, I can think of some
people in particular but I recently gave up gossiping about people I don’t
like…
#thepowerofpositivethinking #thepowerofpositivethinking
#thepowerofpositivethinking
Moral of the Crazy: Basically
my point is, it’s cool to try to be
happy, even when you’re not. That’s a good
quality in people, an enviable trait. And if you’re struggling and things are
rough for you, like they’ve been for me lately, that’s totally okay too. Your
feelings are validated, I will absolutely listen to you vent and unlike some
people that I know personally, I won’t use it against you. Because I understand
you and I think you’re awesome for trying to keep up appearances.
(Okay now I’m done shit talking. Probably. But I can’t be
sure. I mean, we’re almost done here so I think I should be good from here on
out.)
I used to work and be very close with this young woman at my
previous job. She is a few years younger than me and seemingly a little wet
behind the ears. She’s a college graduate and has mentioned multiple times that
she’s working her dream job. She keeps saying that this is going to “be her
year” because she’s finally got her ducks in a row, is done with school, and is
working toward the career she’s always dreamed about.
When I worked with this girl, she always inspired me and I told her so a couple of times because I
just wanted her to know the effect she has on people. I literally never saw
that girl doing anything but smiling and being friendly because that’s just the
person she is. And I personally know for a fact that there were a few times
when a lot of unsavory things were going on in her personal life, although you
would never know it.
At the time, the job where I worked was based on commission
and she was a top seller over and over again because she was memorable. Maybe
she didn’t even help them throughout their entire journey but people remembered
her because she was bubbly, she was smiling, and she is adorable. Inside and out.
I would text her at random times and say, “You seriously
inspire me. I strive to have a personality like yours and I just think you’re
awesome.” Do you know what she would say back? She would compliment me; she would say that I inspired her and that my work with domestic
violence really motivated her. I would think to myself, Is she serious? Has she met herself? She’s perfect.
But maybe my positivity showed through sometimes too. It can
definitely be contagious.
A lot of times, I would hear the other girls, mostly the
younger ones, say things like “she’s fake,” or, “oh, she flits around and talks
to everyone, that’s how she gets sales,” and I always thought to myself how
jealous and childish it sounded. I mean, there is literally nothing negative to say about this girl,
to this day. And you know what? Sometimes you have to fake it until you make
it. She’s fake because she makes an effort to have a positive
attitude?
Geez, what a basic bitch…
So here’s my vow, you guys. I want to go back to my old self again. I’ve said this once, and I’ll
say it again, having a baby is hard
and it changes you a lot. Everything
inside and outside of me is different and I miss how things were but I can’t go
back. I have to just try and re-motivate myself to become the woman I’ve always
wanted to be.
Recently, I’ve gradually started back with my old workout
routine and I have to tell you, running the way I used to has done wonderful
things for my mind. Let’s hope that it does the same for my proverbial bangin’
bikini bod. #fingerscrossed
But most importantly, I’m working on my attitude because
when my kid is five, I can’t continually blame post baby hormones. At some
point, I’ve got to take some responsibility and work toward getting back to who
I was. I want to be happy, I miss being positive, and it goes without saying
that this post baby weight ain’t gonna shed itself.
And sometimes, you’ve just got to fake it until you make it.
With the new day
comes new strength and new thoughts. –Eleanor Roosevelt
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