I’ve been struggling lately.
Struggling with writing and properly assessing my thoughts,
struggling with people and communication, struggling with my apparently
incessant black mood. I chalked it up to my clearly crazy hormones, citing that
having a baby does weird things to your brain because quite honestly, that’s
what people usually say, right? Because when you have a baby, people just expect
you to act insane.
Regardless of what has made me feel this way, I’ve taken a
step away from people because sometimes I just don’t trust myself to make an
appropriate response to, Hey, how are
you? Because the reality is that people don’t want to hear that you aren’t
feeling well. They don’t want to hear that you’re sick of people because
they’re awful and that none of your clothes fit the way they used to. People
want to hear, Good, thanks, how about
you? because they just want to move on with the conversation and then on
with their life.
Because conversation is more of a courtesy than something
that people actually do because of genuine interest nowadays. Because Kourtney
Kardashian went on vacation with her ex-boyfriend/baby daddy and Teresa Giudice
and Melissa Gorga are at it again via social media. And that’s what people seem
to care about. That is apparently how we’ve evolved.
It’s so disgusting. And terrifying.
So quite frankly, sometimes it’s just easier for me to
button it up. Maybe because I think it’s because people don’t really care or maybe it’s just because I
don’t care to go on about how I’m feeling.
So because of all this and almost certainly because of a few
things that have happened in my personal life, I’ve stepped away from social media.
I’ve deactivated my Facebook because quite frankly, there are a bunch of trolls
out there who just want to hurt me and I don’t have time for that. And I post
pretty sparsely on Instagram because lately I just don’t have much that I want
to share. It also has to be said that my daughter keeps me pretty busy and she
is way more important than social media will ever be.
She is way more important than anyone or anything and the second someone becomes a bad influence on
her, they’re out. And there’s no coming back.
The struggle alone
pleases us, not the victory. –Blaise Pascal
I’m kind of a reserved person to begin with so for me to
take some time away from social media isn’t really newsworthy. You may or may
not have noticed. Not many people have and that’s okay. We’ve all got our own
stuff going on. The truth is that I’m not a super popular person so it was easy
for me to fall off the face of the earth. Part of me was actually concerned, if
you can believe that, that some people would be unable to see my posts or
search my name and think, “What happened? Why did she delete/block me?” Isn’t
that absurd? To think that your life is characterized by your social media
status? To get bothered by the fact that someone may or may not have deleted
you? It seems ridiculous, right?
But since that’s the world we’re living in and since that
was my first immediate thought to the people I am close to, the people that I
wouldn’t want to hurt, I sent out a few quick texts to the people I care about.
I let them know I was going through some things and that Facebook just wasn’t
helping. I left out the part about the whiny, little trolls who just want to
know my business for their own warped leverage. Because those people are impressively unimportant.
But the part I found most soothing about this whole
experience is that nearly every single
person I had this conversation with, completely agreed with me. One friend
said she only had Facebook in order to communicate with her husband’s out of
town family. Another said that she didn’t even notice my social media absence
because it’s been months since she’s signed on. Yet another said she didn’t
blame me and was fairly certain she was headed down the same route.
These people understand me because they realize the problem
that social media is. It’s not just me being crazy and blaming my alleged
hormones for some sort of Britney Spears-esque breakdown. Individuals on social
media are fake, uncaring, unwilling to
exhibit any flaws, and literally just
out to learn the gossip. We’ve all been there, right? Social media is
ninety percent stalking privileges and ten percent Snapchat filters.
… and more importantly, why would you bother taking the time
out of your day to actually communicate with
someone you allegedly care about when you could just hop on their timeline?
You just never think that something will happen. And then it
does.
You never think that you’ll be cut out of someone’s life
without so much as a, “Hey, thanks for being awesome but you could never really
do much for me anyway so here are your walking papers…” You never think that
someone close to you will pass onto their next life without you getting the
chance to say your goodbyes. You never think that the day will come when your
number is up and then you’ll be faced with all the atrocities you’ve committed.
You never think that people could be just that
terrible but friends, they all can
be. All of these things are true.
It’s unfortunate but sometimes it seems like when it comes
right down to it, people only care about themselves. It doesn’t matter how much
they claim to love you, how much they claim to understand you, how much they
claim to never judge you, or how much they allegedly listen in your time of
need. What they’re really doing is
documenting your faults, running to the first person who will listen to them,
and begging incessantly for a hand out because they’re going through an
allegely hard time. That or waiting for someone rich to die so they can cozy up
to their proverbial fortune.
… I’m still waiting for that one. But we all know how
pathological liars work.
And you know what? No, no fucking thank you. Go ahead and
take me out of your life because I don’t need people like that in mine. I don’t
need some trout faced Gestapo running around and using my personal issues
against me and I don’t need to feel like I’m inferior when you’ve never done
anything with your life. And if you wonder if I’m talking about someone
specific, very good, friends, because I am. I’ve been hurt one time too many
and quite frankly, I should have stepped away when all my belongings were
thrown onto someone’s driveway in a rage but because I’m a person with a soul,
I forged on and forgot the very blatant issues in that particular relationship.
I also dated an abusive firefighter for about three years.
We all make pretty monstrous mistakes. And I don’t plan on making that one ever
again. Some things you just can’t come back from.
From blood and pain
come perfection. –Constance Langdon, American
Horror Story
Some of you are probably like, wait a minute, is she blaming social media for her problems or the
twisted psycho she’s not so anonymously referring to? The truth is, I’m not
blaming either one of them, despite the fact that they’re both pretty much
useless. Social media is anxiety provoking and quite frankly, way too
overwhelming for me to keep up with these days, but it’s not the enemy. Maybe
some people are social media worthy and some are not.
The other day, one of my girlfriends, who is also my
neighbor, said to me that she really wanted to be a social media sensation. And
although I think she was primarily joking, I thought to myself, “But why? You
are one of the realest, coolest, down to earth women I know. Wouldn’t social
media sensationalizing take away all of your natural blonde charm…?”
I mean, isn’t the whole reason that people post on social
media to get attention? Isn’t it all about likes and comments from people you
don’t know? Isn’t it a way to communicate with people that you’re too chicken
shit to communicate with personally? Like nowadays, when you’re mad at someone,
don’t you just post some bullshit on Instagram with a bunch of immature
hashtags? Isn’t the whole point of social media to act like a rabid twenty year
old with no conversation skills…? Because God forbid you should actually go to
the person you’re angry at, right? No one has time for that.
… especially when they have no job or children…
But what’s infuriating about all of this is that things I’ve
said to people in confidence, people I genuinely trusted (big mistake, I know,
but hindsight is obviously 20/20), were used against me and you know what? I’ve
never used this card because I am so not
this type of person but in today’s age? The way individuals are struggling with
things like gender and sexuality, where women seem to still be somehow fighting for their rights, in a time when the
president can’t seem to say anything right because he’s just so fucking insensitive, you’re going to
use something like relatively serious postpartum
depression against someone? That’s like me criticizing someone because
they’re gay, or atheist, or sick with cancer. Like how in the actual f-word is
that appropriate?
It’s finally okay
for people to come forward about their mental health and really assess the way
they’re feeling (I know, God forbid, right?) and then it gets turned on them?
No, just no. You’re a piece of garbage.
And maybe that’s what has been the hardest part about all of
this. Rather unfortunately, betrayal is just a part of life. I mean, if it wasn’t
something so common, there would probably be no reality television shows.
Sometimes people just intentionally or unintentionally
(sometimes things just happen, people, I know it’s super hard to believe)
betray another person. Sometimes intimate conversations happen and although
you’re promised that said conversation will go nowhere, it does, and that’s
just life. Most functioning adults can understand and agree with that.
But the betrayal isn’t the issue because whatever, that
happens. It’s my own weaknesses or issues being used against me like a shank to
the jugular. Like those people who argue by bringing up things that happened
fourteen years ago as if it’s some kind of a legitimate argument. You should
probably go back to high school debate class and learn how all those things
work because your points are painfully invalid.
Moral of the Crazy:
So everyone’s biggest curiosity (she said super
sarcastically), am I going back to Facebook anytime in the near future…?
Quite honestly, I don’t miss it. I mean it’s all a bunch of
gossip and political memes so I don’t feel like I’m really missing out on anything.
And quite frankly, the people that I really care to talk to have my phone
number and we exchange text messages like people did back in the early two
thousands.
When I told my mom about this whole Facebook debacle, she
replied, “You know, I got Facebook for you kids and now neither of you are on
here.” I actually felt a little sorry for her because for a long time, texting
and computers and social media were super
foreign to her. She only got an account because she thought it was the next
wave in technological life and now she’s connected with so many people from her
high school and hometown that I think she really likes it. But that’s because
she isn’t an attention whore or a psychopath hell bent on destroying people.
People like her are obviously not the ones I’m avoiding by
disappearing off the Facebook universe.
I guess what I’m saying throughout all of this rambling is
that sometimes people just have a hard time. Sometimes people are stuck in the
wrong generation (although if you ask my dad, he maintains that I shouldn’t
worry about my generation; I should just be who I want). And sometimes, as much
as you don’t want to believe it, as much as you try to convince them otherwise,
your parents are right.
Maybe it comes from age or maybe it comes from just knowing
people for longer stretches of time. Maybe they’re able to be better historians
of events that have taken place and although you want to disprove them, they’re
right. So buy them a Stella and move on with your life.
Because loyalty is
about who is good to you. Loyalty is
about who is, and was always, there for you. It’s not about convincing people
to see your side. It’s not about crying to the closest listening ear. It’s
about being the person you claim to
be. It’s about standing up for what’s right and defending the people you care
about. Even if that means you need to be a little more assertive sometimes.
My biggest crime in life is that I am painfully too nice. And that’s not something I
plan on continually replicating. Sometimes enough is just enough and the shit
needs to stop. And if that means you have to call your Midwestern Mama and vent
to her (because that’s what mothers and daughters do when they have a good,
strong bond), then that’s what you’ve got to do.
Good riddance, old friend. I can’t say I’ll miss the
bullshit.
All I can hope is that one day you’ll get yours.
Truth be told, I miss
you. And truth be told, I’m lying. –Gives You Hell, All American Rejects
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