You guys, I’m going to be real with you. Like really, really real, probably a little too much
information for the normal prying eye, only other “crazy” moms will get me, real. I have a serious, serious, case of what I’ve come to
understand is termed as mom guilt.
Mom guilt is so real and it’s something that I am really
struggling with as of late. Well, really, since June 13, 2017, when my daughter
was born. My daughter is the sweetest, smartest, most energetic child in the
world. She has the sweetest little voice and the weirdest little demonic face
when she’s feeling comical. She is independent and chaotic, clingy and loving,
and literally makes my life everything that it is.
But friends, if I have to use the restroom or get my teeth
cleaned, I feel so much guilt. I
mean, forget going out and being social with virtually anyone. I’ve pretty much
become a recluse because doing anything, pretty much anything, makes me feel so guilty. And isn’t that what we do as
moms? Beat ourselves up over all the things we aren’t doing for our children,
doubt ourselves because maybe our child isn’t as verbal as the next, and get
really out of sorts because maybe we are that
mom that is a perpetual hot mess all of the time?
I have to tell you, when my daughter was born, I longed for
a new alphabet because the one I knew couldn’t properly describe what I was
feeling about her, about motherhood, about breathing life into this perfect,
dark brown eyed child. I spent virtually every moment staring at her because I
literally couldn’t bear to miss a single beat. I took a million videos of her
that to this day, I can’t bear to watch because it breaks my heart that now she
is a miniature adult. I saved her umbilical cord (STOP JUDGING ME, SUSAN), kept
a journal of the first few months, and took the same photograph of her about
three thousand exact times. I was that
mom and you know what? I still am.
I still hear my mom’s voice in my head telling people when I
was little that she would much rather play with me and watch me grow than keep
a psychotically clean house. I really identify with that a lot. And anyone who
has been to my house will tell you that it’s clean, it’s not like I live in
filth, but I don’t waste my time cleaning the baseboards or bleaching the
cabinets. I’m spending all the time I can with my sweet little, super chaotic
and destructive, climbing machine of a toddler.
The mother’s heart is
the child’s schoolroom. –Henry Ward Beecher
You know, I’ve worked essentially my entire life. I’ve
always had a job, sometimes more than one. I’m not one of those people who is
comfortable being a lady of leisure because real talk? I get bored. I also have
pretty serious anxiety and sitting around does not help that. (Sometimes, now
that I’m “working from home” my husband will come home to the kitchen cabinets
being rearranged because I needed something to do while Brooklyn
entertained herself…)
I’m not one of those philosopher people who can just sit
around and think. It’s not good for me.
But I can’t imagine, knowing what I know now about
motherhood, being forced to go back to work [outside of the home] for one
reason or another. I really feel for those working moms and honestly, give them
a lot of props for their ability to do it all. Because I’m telling you, I am way too possessive of my daughter and I
don’t think I would be able to function at work knowing that someone else was
taking care of her.
Maybe I’m too weak? Maybe I would get used to it? But
thinking about it right now makes me want to throw up my all natural protein
shake…
But I think that working moms, especially, really struggle
with this thing we’ve coined mom guilt. It
could be that they have that sickening anxiety like I do and the thought of
leaving their child with someone else makes them feel frightened and horrible.
It could be that other moms, moms that maybe stay at home and don’t have to
work, make these working moms feel bad about going back to work so quickly,
even if they’ve no other choice. And when you think about it, that’s really
unfair.
Here’s the thing about moms who work: they’re doing all the
things I do everyday (and I’ll tell you right now, I don’t get a chance to sit
down, let alone get all my husband’s laundry put away) in conjunction with working a full time job. I mean, can you even
imagine? They are working to support
their family because maybe they have to. Or hey, maybe they went to school
for a long time and God forbid, are
really passionate about what they do for a living, and SAHMs are making them
feel bad about it? And it isn’t just stay-at-home moms either; it’s people who think they know everything
about everything, but especially about parenting and raising children. And
sometimes these proverbial people who know allegedly everything don’t even have children!
For example, my best friend had to go back to work before her 12 weeks were up because A, her
job didn’t pay for her to have 12 weeks off and hello, we live in America where
most of us pay our own bills and B, her boss really depends on her and was drowning without her. She told me one
day over lunch that she had to go back at ten weeks and she was getting antsy
about leaving her two children again to go back to work. But she has great
benefits and a pension, and really loves her job and doesn’t mind having the
extra spending money.
I remember thinking to myself that she didn’t have to
explain this all to me. I remember feeling bad that she didn’t have the luxury
to take a full 12 weeks but that her mom was taking care of the kids for her
and actually really enjoyed it, because she had recently retired. I remember
thinking that the reason she must be feeling the need to defend herself was
because someone else must have given
her flack about going back to work so quickly after baby.
Okay, so here we have an educated, independent, married
woman who has worked for the government for about 15 years. Here we have a
woman who loves her job and has
worked her way up over said 15 years. Here we have a woman who leaves her
children in their own home with their
grandmother while she goes to work. Here we have a woman who then comes
home (after about a forty minute commute one way in rush hour traffic), takes
care of the children the remainder of the night (because her husband holds
retail hours), makes dinner, does bath time, puts the kids to sleep, and then
gets up at 5 am the next day to do it all again…
So why exactly are we mom guilting working moms? Correction:
why are we mom guilting any moms? Someone
come at me please because I would love to debate this.
Moral of the Crazy: For
most of my life, I’ve worked with children on some level or another. Most
recently, I worked with domestic violence victims and their families in the
child safety sect. Prior to that, I did a moderate stint at a famous retail
chain and before that, I worked in a daycare that was highly subsidized.
While my history is not really important, the truth is that
I have seen many different brands of moms. I have seen domestic violence
victims who fight like crazy to keep their kids safe. I have seen moms that
could seemingly care less about their precious children and would rather spend
their time drinking and using illicit substances. I have even seen moms who
have chosen the “party life” or a man over their children.
Moms who refuse to pay their daycare fees. Moms who refuse
to discipline their children, or worse, discipline them too harshly. Moms who
don’t really want to be moms at all and drop their children off at their
respective father’s home before disappearing for however long. Moms who don’t
bathe their children, moms who don’t bring their children to school on time,
and moms who are hustling day in and day out, just to make some semblance of a
life for their children.
I’ve seen it all, up close and personal. And to be honest,
those women that I deemed “bad moms” used to really frustrate me. And they
still do, because I really wanted children and I worked really hard just to
have one. Two of my closest friends also struggled with infertility and it
infuriated me that some women just got pregnant haphazardly. I was especially
bitter in child safety, right up until I had my daughter, swearing everyday
that I would give my daughter the
best life I could; that I would never abuse her in any fashion or put anything above her.
And you know what? So far, that’s true. I’m not a perfect
mom and for the most part, I’m pretty frazzled most of the time. But I won’t
let anything or anyone come between me and my daughter. She is safe with me and I
worship her, every single moment of it, and that’s all that really matters
right?
My house is a WRECK. I say cuss words a lot. Most days I don’t shower. The laundry and dishes just seem
to continually pile up but you know
what? My child is loved.
And I think what happened is that I spent so much time
overcompensating for those other “shitty moms” that I lost sight of the fact
that I can actually still have some “me moments” and not being a neglectful
mother. I literally do everything for and around my child because that’s how I
always thought it was supposed to be. And don’t get me wrong, it totally is,
your child should absolutely be your top priority, but I can’t beat myself up
over getting my hair done or having a non-drinking lunch with a girlfriend. I
can’t continually feel so guilty about doing anything that I don’t leave my
house or show up to my dentist appointments. I mean, that’s just not good for
anyone.
And I won’t even tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been
on a date with my husband. Daddy needs love too, am I right?
Leaving your child with someone else is absolutely
terrifying, no matter whom it is! But
I’ve come to realize that, as moms, we need to stay true to ourselves too. I
mean, my sweet baby was born out of love and what kind of example would I be
setting for my child if I never let her daddy take me out on a date? What kind
of world would I be showing her if I never got dressed up for him, never
allowed for any alone time with him or never showed him any affection?
Naturally, with young children and babies, especially, it’s hard to get out for
adult time but it has to happen,
right?
I’m beginning to learn that being myself is okay and it’s not going to cause any
serious detriment to my child if I run out for two hours and get my hair dyed
Megan Fox black. It’s not going to seriously harm my child if I leave her with
her grandparents for the afternoon so my husband and I can spend some adult
time together. If anything, I’m enriching her life by showing her a different
side of me. I’m showing her that you can still love your baby and yourself. And
that’s all anyone really wants for their children, right?
Mom guilt has so many different flavors that I almost feel I
just grazed the surface of the topic in this blog. Truth be told, I could go on
for hours about this but you know, #momlife.
The bottom line, friends and mamas, is it’s okay to be yourself and you know what?
It’s okay, too, that you struggle with it. I know I definitely do. I’m getting
my hair done tomorrow and I feel really bad about leaving my baby with my
husband for the afternoon. I keep thinking to myself, I’m so selfish! I don’t need to get my hair done! But you know
what? A, yes I definitely do and B, she is going to be safe with my husband and
he’ll enjoy the alone time with her.
I’m not sure who struggles more with the separation: me or Brooklyn .
So go get your toes done, go get your gossip on, and go get
“white mama wasted” (as one of my friends recently said to me) and show your
babies it’s okay and even a good idea to be yourself, to have some
“mommy moments”. Balance in this area is super hard but I think burning out is
something much more concerning than running to Starbucks for some alone time.
Mom guilt is such a serious thing and we need to get a grip on ourselves
because we’re good moms, y’all! And every good mama deserves a break. And maybe
a martini.
I love you all; please take care of yourselves,
-Kate
Children are the
anchors that hold a mother to life. –Sophocles
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