If I were to untie my tongue, I could use it like a whip and watch you run. –LeAnn Rimes, Spitfire

One of the things that I will never understand about our behavior as women is our inability to see our own value. I can’t even convey to you how many times I have had the conversation with my friends, or even myself, where I’m sitting on the other end trying to remind an amazing woman just how amazing she is. I’ll say things like, “He doesn’t respect you,” or “He doesn’t treat you like his girlfriend; he treats you like his well-dressed sidepiece,” and “He is very obviously cheating on you if he claims he’s too tired to go out and is staying home, but then posts Instagram pictures of himself with our former co-worker at a bar two blocks down from where you’re at…”

What’s crazy is that as women, we continually defend this behavior. We will, over and over again, tell ourselves, and our friends, that our proverbial gentlemen callers have some sort of reason why they’re acting the way they are. I used to say things like, “Tom’s in love with his ex-girlfriend, guys. I’m just the next best thing; that’s why he cheated on me.” I would sometimes say things like, “You don’t understand how hard Tommy works, you guys. He’s a firefighter, he sees a lot of awful things every single day. That’s why he has such a short fuse and does a, b, and c.”

And to this day, I hear it from all my girlfriends. One of my best friends has been dating a guy for more than six months that I personally haven’t even met. She can’t be friends on Facebook with him for some nonsense reason and he doesn’t ever seem to take her out in public. In fact, there have been actual weeks that have gone by without him speaking to her and then when he finally does, it’s something like, “I went to the dentist. Sorry I never texted back.”

I’m sorry, I went to the dentist? No, friends. Just, no. That language doesn’t work with me. And not to be this guy, but I sit for actual hours waiting for my dentist. Like, I could get so much work done in that waiting room. Don’t tell me you’re too busy for a text because that is complete bullshit. But thanks for playing, bro.  

And while it shouldn’t work with her either, she cares about him a lot. She is an incredible girlfriend and is incessantly putting his needs first. You guys, she still does the cute lingerie thing. She tries really, really hard and with me, is always giving him the benefit of the doubt when I say that he’s a tool bag. She’ll say things like, “I know, Kathleen, but he’s a paramedic and he works twelve hour shifts. He’s super tired and sometimes, he prefers sleep to gabbing via text message.”

And I guess I get it. But that’s the kind of semantics I used when I was unwilling to say “My boyfriend is an abusive asshole with a serious hard on for making me feel and look stupid…” And also, since when is sleep more important than your alleged girlfriend…?

“Lying is done with words, and also with silence.” -Adrienne Rich, Women and Honor: Some Notes on Lying

Here’s the thing, you guys: in life, we are given choices, for every single situation. And while I won’t sit here and pretend like I’m an exemplary version of a woman/wife/mother, I try really hard to make altruistic decisions. I try to do what’s going to positively affect the greatest number of people, almost always. Either that, or whatever best benefits my kid, because no matter what, she’s my number one.

My point being, if someone texts me and I actually want to converse with them, I’m going to answer. And if it’s not right away because I’m busy, it’s with a response like, “Oh sorry, I was knee deep in kid’s clothes and my phone hasn’t been charged in three days because I always forget to plug it in.” I, of all people, understand that life gets busy. (And what has always been really funny to me is that it’s always the people with nothing going on that claim to be the busiest. Like, I haven’t worked in eleven years and I barely change my clothes on any given day, but I’ve been so busy. But I digress.)

It happens. People get sidetracked with work, with their kids, with their alleged marriage to some Ecuadorian chick, or in some cases, with their sham marriages to their business partners, but my point is, if someone is really important to you, if you consider a certain someone high on your list of priorities, you make the time to answer them. In today’s day and age, with things like Snapchat, Facebook and geotags that let absolutely everyone know where you are at any given moment, people are always on their phones. Don’t lie to me and maintain you were too busy to take TWO SECONDS to send a text because that is a bullshit lie. (Something else that I’ve also always found hilarious is that those people that are allegedly too busy to take two seconds to send a text, are the ones that are GLUED to their phone when they’re with you. Just me…?)

So again, don’t give me that bullshit. If I was important to you, you would have answered. At some point. You know what I mean?

You know, one of my girlfriends went through a moderate life change and started working less hours. When she was at her prior job, where she worked five days a week and worked a second job at night, she blew me up daily. She would call me just to talk sometimes and we always had a really open dialogue. Then suddenly, it was like, she was too busy. “I’ve been sooooo busy,” she texted me one day.

No. You were always busy, girlfriend. I’m just not important anymore. And that’s okay. But don’t feed me that I’ve been so busy line because we’ve all been there, we’ve all used it, and you’re just insulting my intelligence. (But again, I digress.)

So when my best friend is telling me that her paramedic boyfriend is too busy for a text back to let her know that he’s even alive, I’m sorry but I don’t buy it. Unless you’re Trump or Chip Gaines, you’re not that busy.

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” -Plato

It was really a bunch of little things that started connecting for me. In the beginning, she was so excited about him, understandably so, and I was just so thrilled to know that someone actually recognized how awesome she is. She is one of those girls that’s had a string of perpetually bad dates, crappy boyfriends, and weirdos that pick fights with her and gossip behind her back. We’ve all been there with men, right? The sooner you realize that you’re dealing with children, a lot easier your life will be. I think it’s taken her a little longer than everyone else to come to this realization because she’s too busy finding the good in people to see the bad.

And quite frankly, I could easily think of way worse qualities in a person…

But anyway, she told me that upfront, prior to their first date, he disclosed a “secret” to her because he didn’t want to come into the proverbial relationship with baggage, with something she didn’t know right off the bat. After all, he had liked her thus far and why not be honest from jump, right?

He was married, he told her, but only by the strictest legal definition. It was sort of a sham marriage to a woman whom he once cared for but now couldn’t stand, so she could get a citizenship a little easier. I tried not to judge from the very beginning because he was honest and trying to help someone legally become a citizen. As earlier stated, I could easily think of shittier qualities. Especially in a man.

Things were awesome in the beginning but then it all started to get shady. (I love the beginning of relationships, don’t you? Things are always so wonderful when you don’t really know the other person. Then you see all their baggage and things get real.) He would pull the ghosting act and not talk to her for days at a time, he would say he was busy or working and couldn’t hang out until he suddenly saw how cute she looked on Instagram and would free himself up. One night, he picked her up (and of course she looked like a million bucks) and promptly took her home because his soon-to-be ex-wife/current wife/sham wife/whatever the hell he classifies her as was at his apartment demanding to speak to him.

After some time together, she came over and finally gave me all the deets in person. She told me about his job, about where he lives, glossed over the whole marriage to a hopeful citizen thing, and talked about all the things they have in common. While there was no sense in beating a dead horse because she had basically already told me everything about WHY he was married and what the deal was, I care about her too much to not be a detective. I said, “Why aren’t you friends on Facebook…?” Because he’s married, technically, she said. They investigate this stuff and he’s trying to help her become a citizen.

Makes sense, I thought, and actually makes him sound pretty noble. But then I remembered that they met on a dating app. Can’t be friends on Facebook, can’t take pictures together, shouldn’t really be seen in public, but it’s totally okay if he’s on a dating site, clearly looking for something from another lady, or three. I kept this as a tool in my pocket because I love my best friend. I didn’t want to burst her bubble when I hadn’t even met the guy.

Could all this stuff be legit? Could it be that he’s just trying to help a sister out? Could it be that he actually cares about my best friend and is just trying to keep a promise he previously made? Honestly, I’m going to go ahead and say no but then again, as everyone likes to point out, I’m a man hater. (Ask Phoebe would probably cringe at this and cast some sort of love spell on me…) I just think that there’s probably only one, actual reason why he’s hiding her. And I hate to even type these words, but she’s a side piece.

Moral of the Crazy: Fast forward about a week or so. When she brings all of her concerns about their lack of an alleged relationship to the table, he ghosts on her AGAIN. I know that this probably shouldn’t come as a shock to most people but my best friend isn’t most people. She is wholesome, she is innocent, and she was blinded by the feelings that she was busy developing for this imposter. I guess you could say that he broke up with her but in saying that, I would be implying there was a relationship. And to be fair, from his perspective, there very obviously wasn’t one.

He made outrageous claims like “a relationship can’t be all about sex”, (and I, personally, found this hilarious considering that’s all men seem to care about…) “he didn’t see them clicking and he didn’t want to waste any more time,” and “he never wanted a relationship and never actually ‘told her they were in one’”.

Okay, couple things: He didn’t want to waste any more time? But they were hanging out and sleeping together for ten months. When did he finally wake up and decide he had wasted enough of her time? Also, I’m super glad that it’s completely up to the man to determine when a relationship begins and ends. It makes things so much easier for us feeble minded females.

Friends, I wish you could see my face right now.

I think it’s so cute how this complete INFANT MAN CHILD is trying to turn all of this around on my best friend now that he’s tired of using her as a side piece. He can go ahead and make the claim that he never wanted a relationship but he A, never made that clear to my best friend, and B, certainly didn’t act like that was the case. They talked about marriage, politics and having children; he even said things like, “I hope they look like you,” but he didn’t want a relationship?

NONSENSE.

Something I’ll never understand is why people think that it makes more sense to lead someone on and create some ridiculous façade than to just tell the truth. I went through a situation similar to this one before I met my husband and to this day, I just don’t get it. But that’s another blog entirely.

Hey, if you just want a “buddy” in which to fulfill your horizontal refreshment needs, there’s not a ton wrong with that. Just be honest about it. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, that’s okay, but say it from the beginning. I don’t really understand the point in leading someone to believe that they’re your girlfriend just so you can stall for a few months and then dump them. Like, why is it so hard to say, “I’m going through a bunch of stuff but I’m lonely and I like to be intimate sometimes.” Maybe not every girl you come across is going to be okay with it but you never know, someone might.

And while some may say, “What does she expect, given his reluctance to take her out, show her off, and befriend her on Facebook?” I have to say that he had a very, seemingly legitimate excuse. And when you care about someone, when you think you’re in a relationship with them because that’s what they lead you to believe, you aren’t going to doubt them. They’re your person, if only for the time being, and you don’t doubt your person. You believe them, you trust them, and you promote them. You don’t think they’re out to get you.

You don’t think that they’re going to lead you on.

My abusive, pathologically lying ex-boyfriend used to say, “The truth always comes out eventually.” (He also used to say, “I’m not cocky, I’m confident,” and “Valen-times Day,” so maybe he isn’t the best philosopher but yet again, I digress.) And as much as I hate quoting that girlfriend beating mother fucker, I have to say that in this instance, he’s right.

The truth does always come out eventually and I’m not on a high horse because I’ve been on the other end of it too. We’ve all lied a time or two and gotten caught. The difference between me and my best friend’s now ex-boyfriend is, I learned my lesson. I don’t want to continue hurting people I care about just to get something I may or may not have wanted once. Hurting people doesn’t make me feel good. But then again, I’m not a sociopath.

I hate to perpetuate the belief that I’m a man hater but the truth is that sometimes, you just can’t trust people. Sometimes you’ve got to keep that wall up, keep those clothes on, and remind yourself who’s in charge. And with men, especially, don’t let them own you, don’t let them walk all over you, and don’t let them tell you about yourself.

I’m all for feminism to a point but more often than not, you’re way too good to be a side piece. And communication is key; sleep should never trump your feelings.

And most importantly, the right guy is going to show you off. The right guy is going to scream from the rooftops that you’re together. The right guy is going to put that shit all over Facebook to ward off any other ladies who may try to intercept him. The right guy is going to choose you over sleep every single time.

Moral of the story: Never underestimate a guy with bags under his eyes. He’s probably spent with love.

“Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.” 
― Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People