All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. –Abraham Lincoln

So it’s been a long time, you guys. (That is actually one of my favorite ways to start a conversation; it brings about all these feelings of nostalgia. In my head, I imagine that I’m watching an episode of The Good Wife and Will Gardner somehow magically comes back to life. Then he walks up to Alicia and he smirks that cute smirk and then says, “So…” dramatic eye shift, “it’s been a long time.”

To say that things have changed for me is an enormous understatement. Things have changed and they have done so dramatically. Listen, as I sit here and type this, I feel rusty and uneducated. I’ve had nearly a year away from my computer and I feel like my fingers are very gradually finding their muscle memory. (It also doesn’t help that since this computer has updated, it doesn’t seem to automatically correct my spelling mistakes. I think most people know that I’m basically a terrible speller.) It also doesn’t help that I have a very severe case of #mombrain and before everyone rolls their eyes, let me tell you something real quick. That shit is very real.

The last year has been so good to me; I’ve learned more about myself in this very short year than I think I ever have. I have learned that I am a lioness; and I especially love that word because I find that as of late I am calm when it counts and fierce when it counts. My tone of voice has even changed and I am learning that essentially everything I do has but one end goal: to keep my daughter safe, happy, and healthy. I am fearless and fearful of everything all at once.

I hate to be one of those people but until you have a child it seems like you can’t truly experience these feelings in their entirety. It’s like you get pregnant and you’re convinced you know how you’re going to be. I was one of those SUPER healthy pregnant women. I had a great pregnancy without any complications and I barely gained any weight. I didn’t have morning sickness, I didn’t have all this crazy swelling, I didn’t end up having three extra chins, and I never had any pains anywhere, at all, until I gave birth. And even then, I would say they were relatively minimal.

I never ate fast food (I don’t particularly indulge in that much anyway because I’m a food snob), I drank tons of water and whole milk, and completely gave up caffeine. I told myself (and everyone within earshot) that I wouldn’t ever do a, b, and c when I had a baby. I would never give my kid fast food, I would never let my baby co-sleep for even a split second, and I would not be one of those whiny moms who just sits around the house, unemployed and complaining about how they can’t get anything done because of their kid. I was going to work my LuLaRoe business full time, possibly go back to my job in child safety, maintain a clean house and cook dinner every night for my husband ALL while simultaneously raising a brilliant, bilingual child. I was also obviously going to get my body back really easily and stay incessantly accessorized and made up.

Okay ladies, now you can roll your eyes. Because let’s be real: we can’t all be Joanna Gaines.

It’s easy to get all judgmental from your ivory tower, especially before you have kids. In the last year, I’ve learned that being a hands on mom means that sometimes, my husband leaves and then comes back from work and the house literally looks the same as it did nine hours prior. Sometimes being a hands on mom means that the dishes sit in the sink and then when your friend makes a random pit stop at your house, you just have to keep the kitchen light off for fear of judgement. Sometimes being a hands on mom means that you don’t wash your naturally greasy, Italian hair for four to five days because the reality is, you just don’t have the time. And when you run out of Batiste dry shampoo, you use baby powder because looking cute to make a Target run has taken a backseat to caring for your child.

I was absolutely never one of those people who went out without makeup. To this day, it just isn’t me. Because of my history with an abusive ex-boyfriend and probably just because of my lack of a healthy amount of self-confidence, I just refused to go anywhere without a full MAC force field. I religiously wore full eye makeup, a complete face of makeup, and Chapstick, lip liner, lipstick and gloss. Now I’m lucky if I wear lipstick. (Thank goodness for LipSense because that shit is a savior, friends. Check out my fave LipSense girl here: www.senegence.com/stayputsmooches)

Now don’t misunderstand because I don’t go out EVER with a naked face but the makeup thing is minimal these days. Today I went to Target to shop for my daughter’s upcoming first birthday (SOB) and I even had the time to grab a necklace before I left the house. Can you believe that?! A purposely matched accessory? Holy crap!

My daughter introduced me to myself. The connection I had with her when I was giving birth is something I’ve never felt before. –Beyonce Knowles

The truth is that since becoming a mom, my tastes have immensely simplified; all I really want these days is a clean house and a pedicure. (Although the thought of leaving my kid with someone so that I can selfishly get a pedicure makes me never want to go get one…) If I’m honest, there were times when I genuinely worried that being pregnant and having a child might be an issue for me, considering my absolute love of alcohol. I was never one of those people who liked to “party” or play beer pong as a thirty year old until two in the morning. But I did like to sit behind my computer and write stories, and whiskey almost always accompanied that. I could also never say no to a good glass of red wine, no matter who was offering. And while I won’t say that I don’t miss the ability to be irresponsible, I think I could probably go the entire rest of my life having one or two light beers every few days.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with really enjoying one or two drinks. I was just saying to my husband the other day, it’s weird how much better things taste when you aren’t guzzling them like it’s your job…

Becoming a mom was just so many things. It was awesome and terrifying, it was selfless and forgiving, it was gentle and kind, heartwarming and exhausting. After giving birth, I sort of felt like I had run some crazy marathon or passed a really hard exam. It seemed like something I had prepared endlessly for but would somehow never really fully comprehend. I was so excited to have my new baby but I was sad that this part of the journey had finished.

(True story: My sister called me crazy because I told her I had anxiety about sharing Brooklyn with the rest of the world. I kept saying to her, “Right now, she’s in my belly. She’s only mine. We have a bond! I don’t want to share her!” I had very serious anxiety about bringing her into the world. I guess it’s something you can’t really understand until you’re at the point where you’re about to deliver. I mean, we all know I’m a little on the crazy side but this was such a real feeling.)

Never one to sedate myself with anything but alcohol (I barely even took aspirin prior to being pregnant), I insisted on doing things completely natural. I was against the epidural, above almost everything else, and would get really pissed off every time someone told me what a mistake that was. I can’t even express to you how many people said to me, “Bad idea, you’re going to regret that,” and “Past a certain point, you can’t get the epidural, so really consider what you’re choosing.”

I won’t go on a tangent but there are SO MANY GOOD reasons to go completely natural when giving birth but obviously the choice is up to every mother individually. If you’re ever interested in hearing all about the benefits of a natural birth, send me a message and I’ll go ahead and ramble. But for now, I’ll save it. Because you’ve all got more important things to do, am I right?

Now of course, childbirth was no picnic. It was absolutely the worst pain I personally have ever felt but it wasn’t so bad that I wouldn’t do it again. It’s crazy to me that people say they’re scared to have children because of the pain of childbirth. Like sure, it’s terribly painful but your whole life changes for the better. Why would you allow 2-3 days of pain to hinder that?

I think the scariest thing for me was that this was the only thing that I’ve ever had to do one hundred percent on my own. Sure, I was in an abusive relationship and I left my ex and that was hard. Sure, I’ve struggled financially and with finding decent men. Sure, sure, I went to social work school, I drove crazy far for my internship, I’ve been in a semi-serious car accident. But this, giving birth to my sweet baby, was ALL ON ME. The nurses are great and they help you, my husband was there and happily watched the whole thing, even the not so sweet parts, but it was the one thing that I have ever had to do completely by myself.

And you know what? I ROCKED IT.

I got through it relatively unscathed. I didn’t cry or even whine. I just grunted and got through it. I looked awful but I felt amazing. My husband took all these pictures of me with Brooklyn and sent them to my friends and family and my one aunt said, “You look like you’ve been through hell,” and initially that hurt my feelings. But then I was like, “You know what? You’re right. Look at what I just did!” I don’t know that I’ve ever been more proud of myself.

My favorite part about being a mom is just what a better person it makes you on a daily basis. –Drew Barrymore

Becoming a mother has made me a vastly different person. It’s made me think about things so differently. You know, they say that when you have kids, you really find out who your true friends are and I’m starting to think that’s because as a parent, you just take less shit. You become fiercely protective of this little thing that’s yours. So things like drama, asshole ex-boyfriends, men trying to intercept your marriage and ruin your relationship, your girlfriends who are suddenly too busy for you because you’ve slowed down, these things just fade away. Sure, maybe they pop up once in a while but the truth is they’re just a distant memory. All that matters is that little girl that’s watching you, that’s learning from you. Something my dad said to me when I was about three minutes pregnant that I’ll never forget is, “You have to consider everything you do now. Because your baby is watching you.”

I was having this conversation not too long ago with my best friend who’s going through a divorce. The details are pretty sordid but I’ll save that for another blog. She was struggling with what to do and told me that dealing with her soon-to-be ex-husband’s incredibly psychotic and irrational behavior is leaving her spent and sort of unsure of where to go next. She told me how she felt like a failure because her marriage was crumbling, she felt like a monster because her husband was playing head games with her.

And while I’m conditioned and educated to give her a lecture about power and control, domestic violence and child safety, I said to her, “How would you feel if your daughter told you that her husband was treating her this way? What advice would you give her?”

Get the fuck out, she texted back. And just like that, just the thought of something terrible happening to her daughter in a hypothetical situation, brought the lioness back.

Moral of the Crazy: You guys, I hate to get all pathological and jump on the crazy, clingy, crunchy mom train but listen, there’s a reason that there’s a mom life hashtag. Motherhood is exhausting and crazy. It seems like, to be honest, the days just fly by while I incessantly vacuum, mop and share my lunch with a soon-to-be one year old. I barely sleep and wake up dog-tired nearly every day. Most days I forget to brush my teeth or change my panties. Sometimes I eat nothing but a protein shake and then act all confused when I’m so hungry I’m going to faint. Listen, it’s #momlife. We’ve all been there.

There’s times when I miss going to the gym and sweating out my stress on the treadmill. There’s times when I miss using the restroom alone, and there are also times when I would just love to drink my coffee IN SILENCE.

But the reality is that my life has never been more perfect. And while it was an adjustment for me to learn that some of my old acquaintances don’t really want much to do with me now that I’m a mom, I’m starting to harden my heart a bit to it. It’s weird; it’s sort of like, you lose a part of yourself when you become a parent but it’s like, you’re okay with it. I don’t know that I would have said this before, but these days, I sort of don’t care if people don’t want to socialize with me anymore. I mean, have you seen my kid?! They’re the ones missing out.

I would GLADLY take a lunch date with my daughter over rooftop shots in my bikini any day of the week. Even though she basically eats all my food… These days, my attitude has changed immensely and it’s kind of like, “If I can’t take my kid, I’m not going.”

So basically, I traded champagne for organic Cheerios. I gave up my wardrobe budget and literally spend every single cent I possess on clothes for my little skinny guinea. (Today when I was shopping at Target, I literally spent what felt like hours searching for the perfect first birthday outfit for my daughter. And then I skimmed the adult section and snagged myself a five dollar tank top… for the same birthday party.) I gave up alcohol and gossip and girls’ nights out. I gave up drunken beach days and frivolous personal spending. I gave up my waistline (which luckily, has long since returned) and all my pretty bras for those super sexy nursing bras. I gave up any semblance of personal time and the ability to rock out to Joss Stone in my car.

And I would do it. All. Again. In a heartbeat.

Happy [almost] One Year, Baby Girl. And many, many more.

Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I’ve ever been. –Iain Thomas

Follow me on twitter @thatcrzk8 for more updates and rants about my neurotic abnormalities and celebrity obsessions. Be sure to follow my Instagram @thatcrzk8 to stay up to date on the things that grind my gears, specials about domestic violence awareness, and reasons I love my South African, jerky making husband! More to come soon!