Although I’m a huge advocate of remaining ever thankful, I
have this pretty big pet peeve regarding labels. I’ve often heard comments made
in reference to how “spoiled” I am within my relationship, how I’ve “landed
with my butt in the butter”, or how I am “so much more supported and stable”
than other people similar to me that maybe don’t have the same caliber romantic
relationship. And you know, I’ve got to say that although there may be some
truth to those aforementioned statements, they kind of irritate me. And let me
tell you why.
It’s no secret that I’ve been through a lot in my thirty
years. I haven’t been bashful about the fact that I’m a survivor of domestic
violence, that I dated a man who was so cruel and manipulative, it actually
frightens me that he holds a job as a civil servant. I’m not ashamed to say
that after dating that terrible, ginormous man child, I went a little crazy
with my freedom. It didn’t take that big of a taste for me to really value
being single, to really grasp that I actually was attractive enough for men to hit on, and to understand that the
way that asshole treated me wasn’t the way a woman should be treated.
I’m sorry but I won’t sugar coat it because it just doesn’t
seem fair. He was an awful person.
And if that gets back to him because people like to talk, I hope he can learn
from it and use the knowledge in his current relationship. That experience
certainly wasn’t lost on me.
I won’t make this blog all about domestic violence and
insensitive, abusive, derelict men from Patterson, New Jersey but what I will
say is that I worked at all of the things I have now. What people seem to fail
to understand is that I’ve worked really hard to become a good person. I’ve
worked really hard to take all the scattered pieces of romantic relationships
that I’ve learned from and figure out what’s appropriate and what isn’t. I’ve
worked really hard to make sure that despite being a victim of domestic
violence for many years, I speak to my husband in the way I would want to be communicated with because it’s not his fault my ex-boyfriend was garbage. I’ve worked really hard to ensure that
I say exactly the things I mean to say (almost all the time), that I am
respectful, despite how I grew into young adulthood and despite how some of my
ex-boyfriends have disrespected me. I’ve worked hard to make sure that I work
on the things about my personality that might bug my husband, that while still
staying true to myself, I am on an endless journey to be better, and I’ve tried
to adapt some of his cultural differences and make them a part of my own life.
I mean, I’m not perfect. But I’m a damn good wife. My
husband always comes first and I make
sure that our relationship always stays the most important thing. The idea that
I’m somehow spoiled or maybe a little undeserving of the life I have right now
sort of bugs me. The thought that maybe I’m immune to everyday problems because
I’ve “landed with my butt in the butter” or “have a stable marriage” really
kind of irritates me, if I’m being honest. When people say that in front of my
husband, he always jumps right to my rescue and counters back, “Yeah well, I’m
pretty lucky too,” because I think he’s pretty sick of hearing it as well.
And that lack of knowledge really bothers me. The idea that
I’m just some little trophy wife that’s never suffered any turmoil or had to
work for anything in her entire life really sets me off. And it could be that I
take it a little personally but that’s only because I’m really sick of hearing it. I’m just really exhausted of the
commentary. And I don’t like being punished for having a good relationship; a
good relationship that my husband and I
have worked really hard to possess.
It actually kind of offends me because I feel like it says
absolutely nothing for my character. It says nothing for the fact that I rose
like a phoenix and really made something of myself when that piece of garbage
did nothing but go out of his way to tear me down. It says nothing for the fact
that I made my own life, without any help
from anybody, and chose to just keep living. It says nothing for the fact
that I sometimes still have anxiety-riddled nightmares about him, that just the
Facebook recommendations of his girlfriend’s (or maybe wife’s now, who knows)
goddamn photography business makes my heart stop (because he seems to be
featured in a lot of the overly Photoshopped photos) because I don’t appreciate
seeing anything remotely related to him on my iPhone screen. And it says
absolutely nothing for the fact that I really value my husband so much because
he’s the exact opposite of my firefighter ex-boyfriend. My husband even quit
the fire department when my out of control ex-boyfriend tried to get into his
station.
Because I was more important than his budding career. He
loved me more.
I like a man who
looks like a bad boy but knows how to treat a woman like a queen. –Candace
Swanepoel
But what the real take away from all of this is that our
relationship is a partnership. One of us isn’t held higher than the other and
aside from just purely loving each
other, we respect each other. It isn’t as though I cater strictly to him or
that he caters only to me. It’s that we are both always putting the other
person first. We are both incessantly thinking about what we can do to better
the other person’s day, the other person’s particular experience, or the other
person’s view on life. I won’t say that we don’t fight because every couple
does. But even when doing that, we are thoughtful and respectful. We don’t want
to hurt each other just because we’re angry.
And the whole thing about our “partnership” is that it
outlasts everybody.
Personally, I have a lot of anxiety. I am always worrying
about who I’m pissing off, what I did to make people communicate with me in the
manner in which they do, and how the hell I get honked and cussed at
incessantly while driving on US 19. As a matter of fact, today one of my
biggest issues is that one of my co-workers just won’t stop testing me. She is
doing this thing where she continually emails me, notifying me of all the things
she’s allegedly done with my clients because I respectfully put her in her
place once. As I’m sitting here, I’m
literally getting emails every couple of minutes, each one extremely passive
aggressive and each one like she’s just trying to have the last word. Like
she’s sitting there, from her little work station at home, just trying to defend herself.
And I’m like, what exactly did I do to make this woman react
like this? Followed up with a few clients? Sent her a couple reminder emails
because she couldn’t seem to do things in a timely fashion? Finally tagged my
supervisor in the email because I was sick of getting ignored inexplicably? I
wish my work computer was capable of creating emojis so I could just send her a
thumbs up every time she sasses me.
But what do I do? I worry
about it. I worry about everything all the time because unlike a lot of the
people I’m connected to, through work or whatever, I actually care about how I
affect other people. I worry constantly about my perfect, unborn baby and about
the control people try to exert over me. I worry about the crappy behavior that
people project on me and then get concerned about what they think when I
finally get sick of it and blow them off. I worry about sassing people I care
about, even when they sometimes deserve it because I don’t like being tough on
people. I worry about coming off too quiet or unsociable sometimes because I
don’t want people to think I’m rude. But I think that what I worry the absolute
most about is annoying my husband with all this nonsense that I’m always
chronically worrying about.
The thing about having a partner that really has your back
is that all that other stuff, all those little things that you almost always
worry about, seem to go away whenever they’re around. Sometimes, when I’m
really anxious or worked up over something, I’ll kind of ramble on a bit until
I realize that I’ve said the same thing about fourteen times. My genuinely
sweet husband will listen for only so much until I can tell that he’s visibly
tired of hearing the same thing over and over again.
He’ll usually let me finish (and by finish, I mean that I
literally finish what I’ve been saying for the fourteenth time) and then he’ll
say something to the effective of, “It’s all good, babe. We can’t talk about
this for the next year. It’ll be fine.”
And I don’t know why but once I’ve gotten over the fact that
he doesn’t want to hear me repeat myself, I feel better. At first, I’m a little
stung. Kind of like, “Hey bro, I was talking,” but then I realize that he’s
right. Sure, venting about whatever is currently ailing me is probably
providing a little bit of catharsis for me and sure, it’s only healthy to
discuss whatever is going on with my husband but the truth is that he’s right.
I don’t need to go on and on about the same thing over and over again just to
elevate my own blood pressure. I don’t need to sit and obsess over something
that someone said or something that may or may not even happen. And honestly,
once I’ve said it once, repeating it just seems kind of worthless. I mean, I’ve
already made my point, right?
When a woman is
talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes. –Victor Hugo
The thing about the partnership that I share with my husband
is that we have this really special way of communicating. I don’t have to say
anything sometimes and my husband already knows what wheels are spinning. “The
crazy ones,” he’s probably thinking right now while he reads this.
Once my husband and I were out with friends of ours who have
been married for a few years but a couple about as long as we have (nearly a
decade). The husband portion of the pair was joking about how when they’re out
in public, his wife will silently signal him a certain way when people ask them
questions. For example, when they’re out and it’s getting kind of late but
everyone else wants them to stay, she’ll lightly kick him under the table to
signify that she wants to leave when another round of shots is offered. The
husband joked further and said, “I always say to her, ‘Hey, why are you kicking
me?’”
This got me to thinking because of course this is a
situation taken out of context. You would have to know the couple in question
in order to fully understand this cute mode of communication they have. They’re
always joking with each other and teasing each other to keep conversation light
and friendly. It isn’t like he’s really that stupid and doesn’t realize that
she wants to leave. He’s just calling her out and making a joke because that’s
the brand of personality he has. Of course this man puts his wife first but
that doesn’t mean he’s going to stop playfully teasing her because how boring
would that be? I can’t even imagine this man’s personality without the
incessant wisecracks; it would take a lot of his sparkle away.
But my husband is a little bit different than this
aforementioned friend of mine because although he likes to make fun of me what
feels like constantly, our communication flows a lot different. Sometimes, when
we’re out in public and I’ve either had enough fun for the night or I’m just
over the situation we’re in, I’ll give him a look and he’ll say, “I’m beat, we
should get going.” I always thought that was really admirable too because even
if I’m the one that wants to leave,
he’s the one that will outwardly take the blame.
There are other times when my husband will ask me a question
about my opinion on something. It could be something as simple as, “Where do
you want to go for date night?” or something as intricate as, “What color do
you want to paint the baby’s nursery?” but somehow, since it’s me, I always
overcomplicate it. I get stressed about all the options I’m given in any
particular situation and my mind starts going a million miles a minute. I think
to myself, Oh my gosh, dinner? There are
so many good places! I don’t even know what I’m in the mood for and I don’t
want to miss out on something. (In case you guys haven’t figured this out
yet, I basically have chronic FOMO…) Or, God forbid, nursery colors? I mean, do you even know how many pastel
shades they make? How is someone supposed to just decide that so quickly?
You want to know what’s really contributing to the anxiety
epidemic? It isn’t illegal prescriptions, marijuana and alcohol. It’s choices!
Home Depot is why people have anxiety, friends!
But what usually happens is I kind of submit to something I
don’t want. I tend to agree sort of against my own better judgement and he can
sense it right away. And although I hate to admit it, this happens in various
aspects of my life and it’s definitely something I’m working on. I’ve always
been one of those people that likes to hear all the options, I want to know
what’s good about every choice and sometimes it makes me really easy to
persuade. You should have seen me at the MAC store the other day. They were
pushing this limited edition Ariana Grande collection and I looked at the
advertisement and said, “Oh, I just love her; she’s perfect!” and the woman was
like, “You know, that color is limited edition and when it’s gone, it’s gone!”
I looked at my husband because I started thinking, Gone?! But I NEED this color! It’s limited edition!
Lip gloss, friends. I have anxiety about not being able to
purchase a limited edition MAC Plush Gloss color that wasn’t even created by
Ariana Grande! They just used her as the face to get people to buy it. I worked
in retail for years; I already know this! But the thought of missing out on
something so special was terrifying. And in case you’re wondering, I did buy it and it’s still in the box
because I have about fourteen other ones that I like just a smidge better.
But what’s really amazing about the relationship that I’m
in, about the partnership that I’m a part of, is that my husband knows all of
this nonsense. Sometimes when I’m saying yes to things that I think might be
the right decision or what I think is whatever he wants to do, he’ll look at me and say, “You don’t want to go?”
or “You don’t like this color?” or “What do you really want, babe?” And I’ll usually say something to the effect
of, “No, it’s nice!” or “I like it…” or “I don’t really know what I want but I
don’t think I want that.”
And although all of this sounds crazy and I’m sure that a
lot of you are feeling really sorry for my husband right about now, for me, his
knowledge about me is really comforting. I’ve never been in the position with
him where I’m really just going along for the ride and hoping it works out. I
could be yessing someone to death and he immediately recognizes I’m not
comfortable. Because he’s really protective (and always has been), he’ll jump
right in and say, “You know what? We’re not fully decided on a color yet,” or
“You know what? I think we’re at the wrong restaurant. We’re supposed to be
meeting someone at the place across the street.”
(That’s actually a true story: one time, my husband and I
were having this like, “Date Day” and we went to a restaurant at International
Plaza that’s no longer there anymore. I was the one that had wanted to go there
because I had been there once, years ago, and remembered it being good. He was
kind of annoyed because it took what felt like hours for them to seat us and
then when we finally did sit down, I
learned that my back was sticking to the booth because it hadn’t been cleaned.
We sat with our menus for a while and I started to get uncomfortable because I was
already regretting choosing this place. He looks at me while I’m pretending to
study the menu and he’s like, “You want to leave.” It wasn’t a question; he
could pick it up from the way I was acting. I was like, “It’s okay, babe. We
waited so long to be sat.” He takes my menu, grabs my hand and he’s like, “No,
we’ll go somewhere else.”
When we’re walking out, the waiter, who still hadn’t come
for our drink order, looked super confused and maybe a little insulted. My
husband goes, “We’re so sorry! We’re meeting someone and we’re at the wrong
place!” He didn’t make a scene, he didn’t say “Hey bro, your booth was filthy
and got all over my wife’s Express Portofino…”, he didn’t say, “This place is a
shithole and I foresee you closing in a few months,” he just grabbed my hand
and we left. I didn’t have to say a word and he knew I didn’t want to be
there.)
Moral of the Crazy: Honestly,
this is a subject that I could go on and on about but since you’ve all got New
Year’s Resolutions to continue adhering to, I’ll attempt to keep it short. The thing
is that in my previous life, in other relationships that I had with men, I
never really had that kind of closeness with someone. I never really felt that
companionship, that partnership of
really being attuned to another person, of really caring enough about another
individual to just know what they’re going to say before they say it. I have to
say that from the very beginning of our relationship, well before we were even
married, I have never felt so supported, so comforted, and so protected. I had
never really been shown that kind of love before from another romantic
relationship and now that I’ve gotten it, I don’t know how other people go
through life without it.
I mean, of course our relationship isn’t perfect; every
couple’s got their ups and downs. I just feel like sometimes, especially when
I’m talking to my girlfriends, even some of the married ones, I’m shocked at
the type of communication they have. I’m taken aback by the way some of my
female friends just take care of things on their own because their
husbands/boyfriends either can’t do it or just won’t. I always kind of wrinkle
my eyebrows when some of my friends tell me the things that their significant
other says to them because I’m just like, “My husband would neverrrrrr.”
And that isn’t to say that they’re in bad relationships,
necessarily. I guess it’s maybe just that I’m so acclimated to the way my
husband treats me now that I don’t think I could ever put up with anyone else.
I mean, I haven’t pumped my own gas in years (except on rare occasions) because
my husband gets it for me. Do you want to know why he gets it for me? It isn’t because he likes doing it or because thinks that it’s his job as a big, buff
husband. He does it because I don’t like worrying about it when I leave for
work in the morning. He does it because I don’t like touching that filthy gas
pump because the only thing more disgusting than those pumps is money. He does
it because I spend a lot of money on fragrances and I don’t like smelling like
gas when I walk into work.
It isn’t because he has to or even because he wants to. It’s
because it’s one little thing that he can do to just make my day a little
smoother.
And I feel sometimes like I may come across as a little
controlling to the untrained eye because when my husband’s friends ask him to
go out and be social (and I do this with my friend’s too), he’ll always say,
“Oh, let me just double check with Katie and see what we’re doing.” (I mean,
obviously if it’s a night when he’s closing and I’m already asleep, he just
goes because I won’t hear his texts anyway. I wouldn’t hear a bomb go off in my
house. I’m hoping that changes with my super exciting pending motherhood…) His
friends probably think I’m some kind of crazy person because my husband has to
“check with me” before he makes plans. But it’s not about that at all.
My husband and I have this thing: we actually love spending time together. I love
girl’s days as much as the next person but I’m not going to go and
intentionally make plans while my husband is sitting at home by himself. I’m
sure he doesn’t really care and
honestly, that man is so ADD he’s probably got fifty things on his list to do
but I’m not about that life. I didn’t get married to never be around and
honestly, I love my girlfriends more
than anything but if I had to pick who I would rather spend a Saturday night
with, my husband is going to win every time. And maybe that sounds selfish but
it is what it is.
I guess it’s just that I’m not trying to take over my
husband’s social life. I’m not trying to be this clingy, psychotic wife. But at
the same time, the reality is, if you incessantly have to get away from your
spouse, if you’re always trying to “seek a little independence”, then maybe you
don’t need to be with them. And I’m tired of apologizing for actually putting
care and effort into my relationship. I don’t feel like I should have to defend
myself and say, “I’m sorry I’m not
going out tonight; it’s not that I don’t want to necessarily, I just really
want to spend time with my husband.”
One of my friends from my old job used to always tease me
about that. She was married too but she had a couple of kids and their family
was just super busy. “Family days” were sort of few and far between and
although they were very coveted, she wasn’t glued to her husband in the way
that I was. She used to say to me, “What do you mean, you can’t come because
you want to hang out with your husband? You LIVE with him!” And although she
was totally teasing me, I used to get kind of aggravated because I was always
thinking to myself, I’m sorry, I just
really like him and I want to spend all my time with him. I mean, why
should I have to defend myself for being a good wife, right? Why should I have
to defend myself for actually wanting
to spend my free time with the person I chose to marry? Am I right?
The bottom line is that although I’ve been accused of it
before, I don’t just throw my marriage around as an excuse to be antisocial.
“Being married” isn’t an excuse; it’s a choice. And it’s a choice that I made
and honestly, I never looked back. I never, for even one second, thought to
myself, “What am I doing? Why am I marrying this man? What if I get sick of
him?” What I was thinking was, “What will my life be if I let this man out of
my life? What kind of person will I be without him? What in God’s name will
happen to me if he wakes up and realizes he’s married to a neurotic, crazy person?”
And you know what? I think he does know it. I think he realized that shit a long time ago and
he’s okay with it. I think he sees something in me that he’s never found in
someone else. I think that maybe my tendency to get a little anxious and crazy
meshes perfectly with his instinct to save people. He’s saved me from the very
first day. He’s always been there for me and I’ll always be there for him. He’s
my Ride or Die.
But more importantly, he’s my partner. We’re on this crazy
ride together and I don’t think that either one of us would prefer it any other
way.
I hope you’ve all got relationships like this or that you’re
well on your way to finding them. And I hope that you realize that within a
relationship, you’re still an independent. You still have all those same pieces
of yourself. You just have someone there to help you pick them back up when
things fall apart. You just have someone to open the door for you when you pull
into the valet lot. You just have someone to remind you how great you are when
you’re having a rough day.
And you’ve always got someone to pump your gas.
What your friends all
say is fine but it can’t compete with this pillow talk of mine. –Joss Stone, Pillow Talk
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