Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemingway

I’ve always been something of an early bird. There is something about my neurotic personality that just thrives off of being early, of getting to the office long before everyone else, and of checking accomplishments off my list in an orderly fashion. Something about creating order and crossing tasks off my hypothetical “to do” list really soothes my anxiety. There is just so much solace in the routine, so much pleasure in highlighting things that have been finished. Maybe for a crazy, anxious person like me, sorting through chaos provides a weird sort of comfort and somehow, I’ve always performed my very best in the morning.

Even when I was a heavy drinker, and I’ll be honest with you because before I was pregnant, I was a pretty heavy drinker, I was much better in the morning. I would sometimes show up glassy eyed and hungover but my brain just worked so much better in the early hours. When I was in high school, my doctor told my mom that I have some issue with my brain where some sort of chemical dissipates very quickly after I wake up. Apparently in the average person, this brain chemical is supposed to ration itself so that it lasts throughout the day. With me, it instantly sinks out of my brain and this is allegedly why it was thought that I was always less motivated in the evening, why I oftentimes had trouble sleeping, and why my energy level would drop so drastically in the afternoon.

Now, to this day, I don’t remember what that chemical was called or exactly what was said. I’m just paraphrasing from what I can remember. (That pregnant brain is a real thing, friends. Plus, it was a million years ago.)

But this problem I have can sometimes lead me to feel unmotivated. It can sometimes lead me to start out really dedicated and focused in the earlier parts of the day, only to gradually slow down and think about all the things that I don’t want to do. And to be fair, it isn’t for a lack of trying because I wake up so willing and so pumped to start my day. Then lunchtime rolls around and I just want to sit down and scroll through my Facebook feed or Google pictures of Shayne Dahl Lamas or Snooki. This can be especially frustrating because I have the type of brain that goes about a million miles a minute at all hours of the day. So when I suddenly don’t feel inspired to address the tasks I’ve set for myself, I really beat myself up over it.

For example, I have this thing about Mondays. Monday and I, we have sort of had this ongoing illicit love affair. I know that people are always saying things like, “The weekends go too fast,” and “I hate Mondays,” but honestly, I have never felt that way. I always feel like Mondays are the best day because you’re primarily well-rested after having two days off, you’ve had the time to relax long enough to desire moving around again, and the whole week is just fresh ahead of you. I feel my most motivated on a Monday morning because the week hasn’t been screwed up yet. It’s still early in the game and if you get enough accomplished, you don’t have to stress the rest of the week.

I know some people say that they usually get their second wind toward the end of the week because it signifies the weekend and this somehow, pushes them to get shit done. I usually feel like giving up on life by about Thursday, but that’s me. I don’t have one of those “second wind” personalities. Once my wind is all used up, that’s it; I’m not getting anymore.

Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life. –F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and the Damned

All of this motivational speaking got me to thinking because it’s something that I really want to improve. Being dedicated to the various things that I want to accomplish is something that I’ve been continually working on, but something that I will always want to get better. Because there is no perfection without some progress, because what’s a new year without some really awesome resolutions?

I’ve always kind of had the same, laid back resolutions. And in all honestly, they were things that I continued to work at throughout the year but if I’m being fair, I always sort of half assed them. I always vowed to lose ten pounds and get really ripped like LeAnn Rimes or Snooki after she gave birth to Giovanna. I always told myself that I would drink less, even though I like to maintain that drinking helps me write better. I always told myself that I would work really hard on being less anxious and focus all of my nervous energies on things that better serve me. I always told myself that I would be more motivated in the morning to wear cuter outfits instead of just throwing on things that are comfortable, that I would break out my heels and wear different ones every day, that all of my outfits would be insanely accessorized. And I always swear that my biggest resolution is to stop cussing because majority of the time, I sound like Tony Soprano.

#notcute

To be fair, the working out thing is a work in progress because I am absolutely not an athlete. But I’ve got a great workout partner and honestly, just looking at my thinspiration board on Pinterest is really motivating. I’ve always been neurotic about my weight so although I struggle with the energy to work out five days a week, every week, I do pretty well with that. The drinking resolution always seems to be lost on me because I don’t like limitations. I would try to give myself one or two drinks a night, or sometimes I would tell myself I would only drink on weekends. But I found that the stricter I was on myself, the more I wanted to drink. Nowadays, because I’ve got more important things to not drink for, I haven’t even missed drinking. And as for alcohol helping me write better, well, that might be nonsense. I have much more clarity with a sober brain.

The anxious resolution is probably something that will always stay on my yearly repertoire because it’s something that I’ve continually had to work really hard at. It’s really difficult for me sometimes to just let things go. I mean, although it can sometimes make for good blog reading, the anxiety that I feel on a daily basis makes me absolutely crazy. I’ve learned various techniques at my place of employment that are supposed to assist people with the anxieties they feel. There is this one technique in particular that I really like called “thought stopping” that is supposed to help people discontinue impulsive, negative or obsessive thoughts. In this process, I’m told you’re supposed to just yell “stop!” in your head every time you begin having negative thoughts. I’ve heard that reframing your thoughts or situations is a good way to manipulate your brain into not feeling anxious as well. It’s definitely something that I’ve been working on for my own personal mental health.

And of course I always want to look cute but the reality is that sometimes, especially being newly pregnant, being comfortable is just more conducive to my lifestyle. I always really beat myself up over spending so much money on clothes, shoes and accessories just to let them collect dust in my perfectly arranged closet. The reality is that sometimes, I don’t feel like wearing really cute wedges to work. I have this thing about my toes too, that really contributes to this issue. If I don’t have a fresh pedicure, I obviously don’t want to show my toes in peep-toed wedges. And sometimes, to be honest, maybe it’s just that I lack the confidence. Maybe it sounds ridiculous but sometimes I just feel like people are staring at me in my awesome platform pumps and they’re thinking to themselves, what is this girl even doing? (My husband always says I shouldn’t care about such things but let’s be real: what do men know about high heels and low self-esteem? Oh yeah, NOTHING.)

And the cussing thing, as I know I have mentioned multiple times before, is just something that I’ll probably always have to work on. To be fair, I have a completely different face on at work. I never cuss when I’m even in the building and I absolutely would never let a curse word slip out in front of a client or supervisor.

However, when I was really young and impressionable, I was dating a really violent, vulgar individual. And it wasn’t just that I was dating him, but I was living with him and his family too. They were sort of rough around the edges, from the less affluent part of New Jersey, and they were what my mother would call “street smart”. Using various cuss words, most especially the f word, was super common in their household. I grew up in a home where I had heard cussing from the elders in my family but it certainly wasn’t encouraged. Especially for those of us who were considered ladies. But living in the environment the way I did, sort of growing into adulthood around a bunch of brazen firefighters, I adapted to the lifestyle and I began to cuss a lot.

Now, as much as I would absolutely love to blame my idiot ex-boyfriend for all of my current problems, I can’t really blame this entirely on him. I didn’t have to morph into a girl who cussed like I was from the lesser parts of New Jersey. It just sort of happened and for whatever reason, it’s never gone away. I’ve gotten a lot better since I’ve gotten older but I still have to make sure that I don’t use “fuck” every other word when I’m being social. Because honestly, even though I know I sound like a filthy trucker, it just unfortunately comes naturally to me. But I’m working on it.

Baby steps, friends.

Moral of the Crazy: But honestly, this year, I really took the time to think about my New Year’s Resolutions. I started to think that maybe there really were some things I wanted to change. And maybe it wasn’t that they were New Year’s Resolutions so much as lifestyle changes that I wanted to make in order to better myself for my future child. And they weren’t just things like working out, perfecting my diet, and curbing my language. They were more important things like assertiveness, standing up for what I believe is right, and handling myself in the most appropriate and ladylike of manners.

The bottom line, I finally realized one morning while I was winging my eyeliner and lost in thought, was that I want to be a good person for my kid.

In that moment, I realized, it was no longer about wearing the trendiest outfits, acting like a classy celebutante when I was out in public, or being the most popular amongst my group of friends. It’s not about what’s said on social media, what other people want to think about me, or how many drinks I’ve limited myself to on a daily basis. What matters, and what will continue to matter, is that I hold my ground when it comes to my child, that I don’t allow other individuals to push me around because I’m being too polite to stand up and put my foot down. What matters is that I model the best behavior I can for my child so that when they get older, they don’t have to struggle with those decisions where they’re unsure of what’s right or wrong. What matters above absolutely all else is that my child is happy, my child is safe, and my child knows how loved they are. All those other things that I’ve been worrying about every damn day of my life? It’s unimportant. None of it matters.

I was talking to one of my girlfriends and I mentioned to her that I just really valued the way she had prioritized things. She had something about the relationship that she shares with her mother and that although it’s not what it could be, she’s learned to accept it and be happy with how things are. “My son loves her,” she told me, “and honestly, that’s all I care about, that she’s good to my son.”

I commented back that although it was something really simple and not really a conversation about parenting at all, I had to really admire the way that her son just always comes first. I mean, of course it becomes second nature when you become a parent but with her, it just seemed to flow so naturally. It was just so easy for her to set aside whatever differences she had with her mother because her most important consideration was her son. It wasn’t her mother, herself, or whatever arguments they may have previously had. It was her son and what was best for him, what kept him the most happy.

Over these last few months, I’ve really gone through some serious changes. It’s like I’ve always heard and like one of the new moms I follow on Facebook said when her son was born, “Your whole life perception changes.”  

I decided that maybe I don't want to be a raging alcoholic. That as cute as I once found that lifestyle, maybe it’s okay to just have an occasional wine with dinner rather than three to four whiskeys every night. And it isn’t necessarily because I think that I drink too much or because I get irrational and crazy when I’m drunk. It’s because I’m no longer okay with incessantly overindulging, and because I want to be someone that my child can look up to.

I decided that maybe I would rather be the responsible one; that I’m okay with always being the designated driver while everyone else drinks, the one who is more practical and just slightly less "fun". I'm okay not taking shots or getting wild at the bar because maybe I just don’t need that anymore. And that isn’t to say that I’m never going to drink again because let’s be real: there’s no reason to get carried away. But these last four and a half months, I’ve got to be honest when I say that I haven’t even missed it. I don’t suffer from #FOMO; I don’t feel like I’m missing out.

I decided that I don’t want to let petty little things bother me anymore, that I’m not going to sit on various social media accounts and wonder whether or not certain phrases are directed at me. I decided I'm okay with not engaging in drama because now I've actually got way more exciting things to live for. A really good reason to set a good example. That although gossip can be exciting and no matter how many babies I have, I won’t give up celebrity gossip magazines, I’m okay with just taking things with a grain of salt. I’m okay with not getting involved in drama that’s created by people around me because I just no longer desire the excitement.

I decided that I’m not going to allow people to coerce me into things anymore, that I’m not going to be continually polite just for the sake of not making waves, and that I won’t just do things that I don’t agree with for the sake of being agreeable. I just can’t; I can’t just sit and let things go by. I probably never should have in the first place. As a traditional resolution for 2017, I’m really working on my assertiveness, on really standing up for what I believe is right, and on refusing to just allow people to put their ideas into my head.

And quite honestly, I’ve never been happier or more excited because I’ve got a really good reason to make these changes. I’ve got a really good reason to straighten up and walk tall.

And sure, I’ll stay into fitness and probably idolize Snooki during her fit mom stage of life. I’ll probably always sit on my thinspo on Pinterest and pine for those great legs that LeAnn Rimes has. I’ll probably always get anxious about little things that drive my husband insane because that’s just my personality and I’ll probably always say things like, “Mama needs a glass of wine,” after a long day of social working. I’m not saying that I’m going to totally be a new person, that I’m going to change every aspect of my life, that I’m going to cut people out of my life that don’t have children, or that I’m going to become this unrecognizable individual.

I just want to be better. For my sweet, unborn baby.

Those of you who have set out to better yourself with some New Year’s Resolutions, I really hope that you stick to them, if that’s what you want. I just want you to make sure, like I’ve always said, that you’re setting goals that are realistic, that you’re setting goals for yourself, and that you’re working towards something for the sake of a more enriching life.

I had a client tell me today that she was giving up drinking as a stipulation of her New Year’s Resolution. And I have to say that this really bothered me because she didn’t stop drinking when her child was removed and placed with her parents. She didn’t stop drinking at every supplement CPI report after that. And she didn’t stop drinking when we got involved in her life as an intensive, in home program. She claimed she was stopping “for New Year’s”.

I guess it’s just that now, I’m so particular about every single thing I even ingest that I just had a really hard time identifying with this mom. I mean, she couldn’t stop drinking for her children? For the sake of their wellbeing of the fact that one of them had been removed from her? Promising to quit as a New Year’s Resolution just seemed like an empty promise to me. I didn’t believe her.

Whatever your New Year’s Resolutions, I genuinely hope they work out for you. I also hope that you’re making the changes for yourself, that you’re holding yourself accountable, and that you’re managing your own success. Personally, I can’t wait to see what 2017 has in store for me because I know that they’re only great things.

And I wish the same for you too.

Oh, I don’t want to spend my life jaded, waiting to wake up one day and find, that I let all these years go by, wasted. –Carrie Underwood, Wasted

Follow me at my twitter page @thatcrzk8 for more updates and rants about my neurotic abnormalities and celebrity obsessions. Be sure to subscribe to my up and coming YouTube channel to stay up to date on the things that grind my gears, specials about domestic violence awareness, and reasons I love my South African, jerky making husband! More videos to come soon!