To be honest, I have always wanted children. When I was a
lot younger, I had always envisioned that I would get married relatively young
(and that prophecy, I actually followed through with). I had all these images
in my head of a really romantic wedding and the incessant defense of a love
that others would say we were “too young for”. After that, I presumed that
things would just naturally flow from there. One baby, two baby, and then
pretty soon three. When I was much younger and didn’t realize how much things
really cost, when I was unaware of what it really takes to support yourself in
the manner you’ve become accustomed to by your relatively rich parents, I was
planning on having somewhere around four kids. It all seemed so easy and
visible, like it was right out in front of me waiting for me to grab ahold of
it.
I never gave a second thought to all the things that
interfere with starting a family. I never thought about things like college and
my crazy desire to have a couple degrees. I never considered that it might take
some time to get pregnant, that I may even have some difficulty with it. I
never worried about having things like medical insurance or a vehicle that wasn’t a coupe, so that I could actually
go to a good doctor and transport my child places after I gave birth to him or
her. I never pondered how quickly time passes, how you make plans for the next
year or the next and then before you know it, you’re thirty.
All of these passing little anxieties seemed so far away at
the time. They were things that quite honestly, never once crossed my mind. All
I could say for sure was that I did want
children, that I wanted a whole brood of brown haired, brown eyed beauties, and
that I could foresee myself having a lot of fun with being a mother because I’m
a naturally nurturing individual. My plan was to be an extremely “hands on”
mother, an individual whose first love was her children, a woman who was absolutely
satisfied being a mother to her children. I knew full well that work, bar
hopping, and all the other little things that go along with being an adult
would instantly become secondary, a very distant secondary, because I just
wanted to be a mother so much.
And honestly, maybe that’s why it took me a little while. I
wanted things done right. I wanted a degree and a stable home environment. I
wanted all the partying out of my system and although people claim that you
“can’t plan children”, I most certainly planned mine. I wanted to make sure
that I had the majority of my ducks in a row before I brought an innocent child
into the world. But that’s just always been my way of doing things. I’ve never
just jumped headfirst into anything; I think it all to death.
I used to get so frustrated when people I knew could so
easily pop out children. It wasn’t just the idea that it seemed to come
naturally to them. It wasn’t just that they seemed to get pregnant by somehow
still using condoms or birth control pills, that they had miraculously
conceived a child after only having sex with someone one time, or that they
“weren’t even trying” and “things just happened the way they were supposed to”.
It was all of these things coupled with the idea they weren’t married or trying
to even finalize any kind of relationship with the father of their proverbial
child. They were seemingly unemployed or chain smokers who went to bars every
night trying to find a man. They were people that could barely take care of
themselves, let alone an innocent newborn child that didn’t ask to be born.
I used to find myself getting really angry because I would
incessantly see things all over Facebook. I would spend so much energy talking
to my best friend about it because she had more than her own share of troubles
getting pregnant. In fact, she even had to have an emergency surgery to have an
ovary removed. We talked a bunch of times after that and she would say to me,
“I can’t even go on Facebook anymore. Everyone is pregnant but me.” And I could
really sympathize, although I wasn’t as open about it, because it seemed like
the people who really, really wanted
children couldn’t have them. The people who were actually equipped to care for
a child didn’t seem to have any luck getting pregnant.
None of it seemed fair.
Motherhood is the
most challenging, as well as the most satisfying, vocation in this world. –Nita
Ambani
But then one day, everything sort of went my way. It took a
while, longer than I would have liked, but one day I woke up and was pregnant.
And not only that, but my best friend was too. That one that had the emergency
surgery and had been on multiple prescriptions to alleviate whatever problem
was causing her to not conceive. Suddenly all my ducks were in a row, all of my
stars had become aligned, and all my big plans for the future were coming to
fruition.
Obviously, I was more than ecstatic (and so was my husband)
and once we got through all of the happy tears, I realized that we had to keep
our precious news a secret. I think the most difficult thing about being newly
pregnant is that you can’t share your excitement with the world. I said to my
dad one day that I was frustrated and I felt like I was avoiding everyone. “I
just want to scream it from my rooftop!” I told him.
I was talking to my best friend on a daily basis and it was
literally killing me that I had to wait to tell her. I mean, after all, I
hadn’t even been to the doctor to confirm anything yet. And I obviously wanted
to tell her in person. I had so many questions about being pregnant. I wanted
to speak with her about all the “dos and don’ts” of pregnancy since she was
just a few months ahead of me. I wanted to tell her about all the things I had
already witnessed, about all the things I had already felt, about all the insane
advice I was getting from those few people that did know. And I wanted to see her gorgeous face in real time when I
told her. I wanted to see her reaction when I ordered a water instead of an
appletini.
In case you’re all wondering, and she’s probably smirking as
she reads this, she cried. She kept saying, “Wait, really?!” About an hour
later, we were walking through the mall and bumped into my other best friend
and I obviously couldn’t keep it a secret, so I told her. She cried too, and
practically jumped on top of me. I’ve never felt so much love.
And it didn’t stop there. I don’t know that my parents or in
laws have ever been happier. It’s kind of strange how bringing a child into the
world becomes such a personal experience for everyone. I mean, I have to keep
telling myself that I’m the vessel. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m
creating a tiny life inside of me, that there’s a little person in there who
will one day look like a sweet cross of my husband and I, that although
everyone close to me has sort of helped to mold me into who I am now, this is
my chance to really do something incredible with my life. I’ve never been more
humbled or more excited. And I’ve never seen such love crawl out of the
woodwork. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that people who barely know you are
excited for you.
But it’s like I keep telling myself: What’s not to be excited about? And I’ve got to
be honest with you, friends. Sometimes it still doesn’t seem real. I’m still
waiting to wake up one morning with a size two waist and a vodka hangover.
Every morning that I don’t is such a relief.
Sometimes the
strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws. –Barbara Kingsolver
But of course, as with any spectrum of anything, with all
the excitement and amazement of being pregnant, there’s always going to be some
pieces that aren’t as delectable. Something I’ve noticed is that people really
try to reel you in and take control. And I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily
the harsh brand of domestic violence power and control that I see every day in
my occupation. I suppose that it’s all meant to be insightful, kind advice from
someone who may or may have not have done this before. It’s probably that all
of these little anecdotes and strange, old wives’ tales (believe me, I’ve heard
a whole bunch of them) come from a place of love, from a place of caring.
I’ve just never been really good with that whole
lockdown, control thing. I ain’t about that life, friends. I’m bred of the two
most tenacious nationalities known to man. I almost feel sorry for my husband.
It's like you get pregnant and people suddenly think you
know nothing. Like there's no way that you could have possibly gotten through
life before this point and all of sudden people are forcing all this advice on
you. Because let's be real, you clearly know nothing…
And I don’t want this to come across as snarky because in
all honesty, there are tons of things I don’t know. But that’s part of the
adventure. Part of being an adult and becoming a mother is figuring things out
on your own. It’s like my mom said to me the other day, “The reality is that
you’re going to make mistakes, and they won’t be really big ones that you can’t
fix, but it’s going to happen. That’s part of being a mom. That’s part of what
makes women so resilient.”
But the other thing that can be somewhat frustrating to
me is that I do know some things. I
worked in a daycare for ten years. I ran an infant room and took care of twelve
babies at once. At that time, I was one of the few employees that didn’t have kids and I learned a lot. At one point in my class, due to
some legal issues with the parents, I had an infant that was ten days old. She was there forty hours
a week and the Pasco CPIs were always there checking on her. I wasn’t even old
enough to drink but taking care of babies just came naturally to me. I did it
every day for a living. Obviously, some of the things I learned back then are
going to be outdated because things change. But now I work in child safety. I could practically give a
speech on Safe Sleep and Drowning and I’m seriously learning tons of things every day.
I don’t know everything. But I know some. And I hate being talked to like I’ve never
seen a human child before. It makes me crazy. (Well, crazier. My poor kid…)
It’s just like people start changing the way they talk to
you when you're pregnant. In my experience, it’s almost as if they talk down to
you or are somehow nicely condescending. Everyone wants to give you advice on
everything because there's obviously no way you could possibly do any of it by
yourself. I mean, you obviously can’t figure out how to do your own research
via the internet or the millions of books that have been written about
pregnancy, giving birth, and childhood. And even more obviously, your doctor
clearly has no clue what they’re talking about and even if they did, you
probably couldn’t figure out how to ask appropriate questions.
They give you all this really outdated information on
things like binkies, bassinets and breastfeeding because if they don't tell
you, you'll clearly go through life not knowing. And to me, it’s just really
frustrating because I feel like I have planned for and prayed for this perfect,
unborn child for so many years that
the idea that I would just do things without thinking is sort of insulting to
me. The idea that I would just haphazardly allow something preventable to
happen to my future child makes me really question how people view me. Do I
strike the average individual as someone who can’t take care of herself? As
someone who doesn’t know how to cook or pay a bill online? As someone who
wouldn’t know to lock my front door at night? I mean, seriously, some of the
things I’ve heard are just ridiculously offensive.
I can’t even tell you how many people have given me
advice on my dog. And honestly, I guess I get that because my dog looks terrifying but again, I’ve been
raised with “vicious” dogs my entire life. I always just take things with a
grain of salt (as further recommended by one of my dear, sweet girlfriends) and
get inwardly irritated but I want to jump on the table and scream in their
face, “DO YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD LEAVE MY INFANT WITH A PIT BULL UNATTENDED?”
And even if I didn’t have a pit bull, I wouldn’t leave a Chihuahua or a golden
retriever unattended with my baby. Like, how stupid do these people think I am?
It kind of reminds me of this one time that I posted a
Myspace photo of myself wearing a Yankees hat with the caption: “Full blown
Yankees supporter!” I remember this girl (and not just any girl but a girl I
was relatively close with) commented something to the effect of "Name
three Yankee players that aren't A-Rod".
And you know, honestly I never forgot that. Like I can't just like the goddamn Yankees?
Like I couldn't have just jumped on the bandwagon because my entire family is
from Long Island?! She had to call me out on a bullshit public forum because she was a pretty serious baseball
watcher and had to just make it known that I barely had cable? I mean, what is
that even about? Why do people feel the need to do that?
I want to [very politely] tell these people: I am a
thirty-year-old educated and married woman who planned to have a child on
purpose. I have go to an OB-GYN practice with an array of doctors who are
guiding me through this experience. Believe it or not, I was actually given a
“Welcome Packet” with loads of information regarding what I can and cannot
ingest during pregnancy, what brand of activities I should avoid while
pregnant, and other miscellaneous items to keep in mind. Your advice is
thoughtful but unsolicited. Please know that while I'm mildly appreciative, I
am a relatively intelligent adult and I do know a couple things... although
clearly not as much as you.
Moral of the
Crazy: Honestly, the feelings I’ve experienced throughout the beginning phases
of this pregnancy are perhaps some of the most exciting of my life. I have to
be completely honest when I say that the last four or so months have been
incredibly exciting and I have seriously never felt so much love in my life. It
seems like every person that I tell my special news to gets teary-eyed and
excited. They have nothing but really good feelings regarding my pregnancy and
pending motherhood and have only sweet things to say. I have never, ever felt
so supported in my entire life. I have never felt like I’ve received such
acceptance from the people around me. And although in my own personal life, I
know I’ve made good decisions, I’ve never actually been so brilliantly
supported until this moment.
It’s a beautiful feeling to realize that you aren’t
alone. To realize that you aren’t the only one that’s absolutely terrified to
give birth. To realize that there are people, just like you, who worry
incessantly about gaining weight while you’re pregnant, about answering to
inappropriate comments regarding your alleged weight gain during pregnancy, and
about getting that tiny physique back once you’ve had your precious child. It’s
comforting to realize that you’re not the only one who wonders how moms still
maintain being moms while they’re working full time, to understand that even
though someone else will be watching your child, you’ll always be their number
one, and to come to terms with the realization that it’s okay to care about
such things. It’s so wonderful to have a huge, really supportive forum to ask
questions like, “What should I register for when I have a baby shower?” and
“What books should I read to prepare for the baby?” or “Is it okay if I don’t
shower a whole lot for the first few months?”
And it’s taken me a long time to realize that it’s also
okay to not accept what people say. It’s also okay to politely decline advice
from people that probably A, don’t really know me and B, don’t really need to
be giving advice on anything. It’s taken me a long time to understand that it’s
totally appropriate for me to put my foot down regarding my child and what I
deem appropriate. I’ve learned that it’s acceptable for me to assert my
dominance in all things concerning my child and if that hurts peoples’ feelings
sometimes, then that’s just the way it is.
You know, one of the best statements I’ve heard regarding
pregnancy and newfound parenthood is that your
whole perception changes. I swear to God, in just these last four months, I
have changed so much. It is so true what they say about your worldview
changing. Things that used to really bother me and make me crazy I now just
shrug off. Things that would ordinarily hurt my feelings I now don’t even give
a second thought to. Things like partying and drinking and all those other
things that I really loved to do seem so unimportant now.
I just want to be healthy now. I want to be healthy and
safe and continue maintaining the life my husband and I want for our child. I
don’t care about drama or gossip so much, I just want to make sure that my
child’s life is unaffected by whatever nonsense people try to intervene with. I
don’t worry about peoples’ opinions and advice so much like I used to because I
have a very clear view of what I want. I fully understand now what I will
tolerate and what I won’t. It’s all very easy for me now. If you want to take
over my parenting or interrupt the joy in my kid’s life, then you don’t need to
be here.
This pregnancy has really helped me understand the things
I want and need in my life. It has helped me understand that I really don’t
have to take peoples’ shit, that I don’t have to adhere to what people tell me
just because they believe themselves to be right, and that I don’t have to ask
“How high?” because someone screamed at me, “Jump!” The reality is that being involved
in my child’s life is a privilege, not a right. And that applies to everyone.
I have always really worshipped stay-at-home moms and
I’ve always really valued those friends and acquaintances of mine from high
school who have two children under two, or sometimes more, while still running
their household, keeping their husbands happy, and maintaining a really
positive outlook on life. I am happy to say that now I’m one of these women,
that I finally understand what it feels like to absorb all these changes and to
really love someone more than you could ever love yourself.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, MOMS: I support you. I
am for you. I will always admire you. And while I’m gradually jumping into your
greatly defended category, it’s great to know that I’m backed by so many strong
women. If any of you working moms or
SAHMs are reading this right now, I’m talking about you. I’m honored to know
you, I’m honored to join you, and I can’t wait to learn from you.
Also, please keep up the baby selfies, as they keep me on
Facebook. They’re basically my reason for living.
Each child is
biologoically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded, but
motherhood is a fact. –P.J. O’Rourke
Follow me at my twitter page @thatcrzk8 for more updates and
rants about my neurotic abnormalities and celebrity obsessions. Be sure to subscribe
to my up and coming YouTube channel to stay up to date on the things that grind
my gears, specials about domestic violence awareness, and reasons I love my South
African, jerky making husband! Videos to come soon!
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