This time of year always makes me especially thankful. Due
in part to working in retail for a large portion of my life and having a big
family that always celebrated absolutely everything, I’ve always loved the
holidays. I know sometimes people get really bitter and grouchy in regards to
the holidays because let’s be real: it’s a busy time. People are baking cookies
for the cookie exchange at work, they’re buying nonsense gifts for the Secret
Santa exchanges they take part in, and they’re trying to figure out how they’re
going to get all the house cleaning and gift wrapping done before their family
comes from out of town. They’re worried about what they’re going to make for
dinner on Christmas Day, which side of the family to visit with on which
particular holiday, who is picking up Grandma from the airport, and how they’re
going to squeeze all the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping into a
forty-hour work week. Add a commute and a couple kids into that, a pregnancy or
a flat tire and it’s a recipe for stress.
The reality is that the holidays are crazy. But in my
personal experience, the things that sprout from hard work are usually all the
more enjoyable. Things that take time and precious care are worth so much more
when they’re enjoyed with friends and family. Do you really think that I wanted
to miss the majority of the Buccaneers game Sunday night because I was
addressing envelopes? Absolutely not, but I did it because those Christmas
cards weren’t going to write themselves. And even if I don’t get any Christmas
cards from anyone this year, I feel good about taking a few minutes to write
out a few addresses. Sometimes people get cantankerous around the holiday
seasons but my hope is that all of that fades away when the knowledge of how
great the holidays really are sets in.
Sometimes I think that people get so caught up in
themselves, they get so caught up in whatever it is they’re doing, that they
don’t take two seconds to appreciate how blessed they are. I mean, I can’t
point fingers because I’ve been guilty of it myself; we all have. We all have
that tendency to just be so naturally self-absorbed that we can’t possibly see
outside of ourselves. Maybe it’s that we’re pining for things that should
probably be considered really immaterial. Maybe it’s that we’re disgruntled
about the hand we’ve been dealt when the reality is that we’re probably way
more fortunate than we could ever understand. Maybe it’s that we make mountains
out of molehills and catastrophize everything instead of realizing that our
problems are so miniscule compared to what other individuals are probably
enduring.
I mean, real talk, those “problems” that everyone sort of
goes through like the death of a beloved pet, the grieving of an ailing
grandparent, or the loss of a job because of incompetence are things that
happen to absolutely everybody. And although it can be really hard and taxing
on an individual, these are real life
problems. These are problems that don’t discriminate; they don’t pick and
choose what poor, unfortunate soul to prey on. They affect all of us and what
matters isn’t the problem itself but how you handle it.
I see this tendency to catastrophize a lot and honestly,
I’ve seen it everywhere. People on Facebook are crying about how a change of
season cold or running an average fever when there’s people out there who don’t
know how they’re going to keep their electric on. People are going on and on
about Trump on Twitter when there’s people who are dealing with the threat of
homelessness because they can’t find a job to support their children. People
are sending passive aggressive text messages to instigate a petty argument when
there’s people out there who can’t afford to supply a measly gallon of whole
milk for their kids. I know that I can be dramatic sometimes but honestly, I
try to really keep a handle on it because I know that I’m way better off than I
give myself credit for. I try to reel in the whiny bullshit because even if I
took away a bunch of the luxuries I currently possess, I would still be living
better than most. And I think the same goes for a lot of you readers out there.
The reality is that there’s not a whole lot to complain
about. Sure, it has to be said that everybody has got “their own problems” but
some of us have tools to make them seem a lot smaller. Some of us are blessed
with really positive coping skills that help us deal with stress, some of us
have a really strong support system of family, friends, or spirit that we can
call on when we need someone to lean on, some of us are so financially set that
there’s really no problem that can affect us too heavily, and some of us just
luck out in life and those alleged problems just sort themselves out.
But that’s not everybody, friends. Some individuals have
really poor coping skills that lead them to the overuse of substances like
alcohol or illicit drugs. This can lead into a downward spiral that can just
create even bigger problems. Some individuals don’t have a support system so
they just go through life, suffering in silence, allowing their stress and
anxiety to affect them to the point that they develop physical ailments because
of it. Some individuals are to the point of financial struggle where they’re
losing their homes, they’re losing their vehicles (if they even had one to
begin with), and there is no conceivable way they will ever get caught up. Some
people just have so many problems that it surmounts them, it threatens to
conquer them, and the only thing they can do is just keep waking up every day.
Because if they don’t do that, then they’ve really lost
everything.
These people have children, they have jobs, they have health
problems. They’ve got all those regular, “normal people” problems and then they’ve
got this whole other can of worms that they’re dealing with. I guess what I’m
saying is that maybe this holiday season, we should be considering those people, instead of focusing so
heavily on ourselves.
We make a living by
what we get. We make a life by what we give. –Winston S. Churchill
I have always had one of those personalities where I prefer
to be busy. While I’ll admit that there are times where I start to feel the
pressure building up, I’ve always functioned better under tight time
constraints. I run clean when I’m busy, I don’t get as anxious, and honestly, I
get way more things done when I’m pressed for time. Maybe it’s because with
idle time, you feel like you’ve got all the time in the world so you never
really jump into anything. The way my life is now, where I literally don’t have
a split second to myself, I’m extremely motivated and I make sure that things
get done.
Sometimes I do have to ask for help and quite honestly, I hate
feeling like I’ve lost control of something but I try to just move passed it
and work harder and smarter the next day.
The thing that is most important to me about “staying busy”
and “not having idle hands” is that it causes a huge decrease in my anxiety.
When I feel like my day is full and I don’t have a second to breath, that also
leaves me with the realization that I don’t have the time to worry about
anything. I find myself a lot less anxious, a lot less jittery, and far more
willing to just suck it up and complete tasks, even when I don’t want to. This
is how I function most efficiently and
listen, it’s not for everybody. I’ve always preferred to live fast because it
just suits my personality and I think it makes me a lot easier to be around. But
I also understand that this type of reality doesn’t fit the mold of every
person.
But maybe because of all this personality trait and all the
other things that are amazing about the holidays, I love this busy time. I
thrive on the hustle and bustle, I’m one of those people that make lists in the
car while I’m sitting in traffic, trying to utilize every spare second I have.
I play Christmas music while I’m frantically cleaning my house because I’ve got
company coming. I spend my one day off with my husband going to absolutely
every store in the vicinity because I love picking out Christmas presents. I
love wrapping them all in matching paper and I love struggling to lug them
wherever they need to go.
This time of year is like a drug for an anxiety riddled
individual like me. Time is so precious and every second is full of
opportunity!
But I’ve come to realize that the harsh reality is not
everyone is like me. Not everyone is so easily placated by an insane schedule.
Not everyone feels more in tune with a great deal of weight on their shoulders.
Not everyone feels less stressed by the coming events of the season. On the
contrary, this can plague certain people. Such compressing time structures can
allow someone to feel like there is no way out. Too many responsibilities can
leave people feeling overwhelmed, like there is just too much to ever handle,
like maybe their problems are unfixable.
A couple of weeks ago, a case came into our office that left
a chill on my skin.
It was one of those cases that you only hear about on Bay
News 9. An overtired mother had one moment of weakness and temporarily lost her
cognitive thought processing capabilities. Was the act relatively sinister?
Probably. Was the story chilling to listen to, over and over, by various CPI
and staff? Absolutely. Do I think this woman is a monster? Definitely not.
It's probably inexcusable but sometimes things happen.
Sometimes women snap and smack their kids. They shouldn’t do it and in a
different frame of mind, they would probably maintain that they would never do
it. But sometimes things happen. Sometimes, when you’re pushed to the point of
no return, you do things that you would ordinarily judge people really hard
for. Do I plan on physically disciplining my children? Absolutely goddamn not
but I’m only pregnant; I haven’t actually had my child yet. It’s easy to sit
here behind my computer at my office in child safety and say things like,
“Corporal punishment is absolutely disgusting,” and compare this mother to the
likes of Casey Anthony and Susan Smith. But friends, that isn’t reality.
What this woman did to her child isn’t necessarily important
to the story. In fact, there are a lot of details that I unfortunately just
can’t share with you because of all the complicated HIPAA and confidentiality
requirements. What’s important to note is that the child was not injured or
harmed in any way, although there was a pretty prevalent danger threat when she
had a lapse in judgement. When this mother came to and realized what she had
done, she snapped out of it immediately. To be honest, just writing about this
case is difficult because there are so many variables to consider and let’s be
real: this is someone’s life. This is
someone’s family.
What else is important to note is that when this incident
occurred, there were understandably protective measures put in place by the
legal system. Some of those protective measures were that this mother couldn’t
see the child in question because a No Contact Order was put in place, and she
couldn’t see her other two children without a supervisor that was background
checked by CPI. These are all understandable things but they are also an
enormous burden on the family in question.
Because of these legal protections, the mother was forced
out of her home and is currently living with a family member. She doesn’t ever
see the victim child and probably won’t for a very long time, or at least until
this is all resolved. And we all have an understanding of how the justice
system and Public Defender’s office works. Chances are, it will be months to
years before she sees that child. And she very rarely sees her other two
children because finding a supervisor with the time to actually sit around and
supervise is taxing. These parents have a limited natural support system, most
of which are on the verge of losing their jobs in order to help out with this
whole debacle.
The father is living in the home by himself with the
children. He is the sole provider for the family and has been since the
children were born. He bartends at a fancy restaurant and although he makes
decent enough money, he doesn’t make a lot. He barely qualifies for WIC (the
amount this family gets is actually laughable; it’s literally enough for a
gallon of milk a week) and doesn’t receive any food stamps or monetary
assistance. Prior to this incident, they were fairly close to struggling but
they made things work. Since this has happened, the father has gotten the
children in daycare, per CPI’s request, and has ensured that the children are
visible in the community. On top of that, he is being forced to pay babysitters
so that he can actually go to work at night.
So they don’t receive any assistance, the mother is
absolutely unable to assist in any kind of real way, and the father is paying
pretty close to full price for daycare when he could easily watch them during
the day for free. And on top of all that, he is shelling out hundreds of
dollars to pay for another form of
babysitting so that he can actually remain employed and support his family. The
mother is working on getting a job but she’s been unemployed for a long time so
it’s not coming easy.
This family had a terrible, awful incident occur in their
home. But they are ever compliant, to the point of actually putting themselves
financially out, they are completely respectful, despite all of the hoops
they’ve been made to jump through, and they are struggling more than any family
I have ever seen in my life. I left their staffing with a pain in my heart. I
wanted to cry and just tell them that it will all be alright but you know what,
friends? In their situation, it won’t be. Their problems are unfixable and there isn’t anything that any of us can do to
help them. The event was so shocking that we’re all too far passed that.
The bank of love is
never bankrupt. –Steve Maraboli
But then I started to think. What can I do to really help these people? I’m just a domestic violence advocate and this isn’t a domestic
violence case, I thought to myself. I racked my brain for a while, thinking
about what resources I had, what babysitters I knew that I could somehow throw
their way without breaching confidentiality. I thought about asking my
mother-in-law over to their home to clean their house as a way to at least
relieve some pressure from the father. But
that’s a breach of confidentiality, I thought to myself. I don’t need to get fired and make my own
child suffer for this family, I thought.
But then I remembered something. During the staffing, the
facilitator had asked if there was anything (besides the obvious) that we could
do as an agency to assist them. At first, the couple said no, that they were
fine. They are a proud, honest couple who isn’t in the system to beg for
handouts. They aren’t trying to manipulate their treatment plan goals in order
to get free items and monetary assistance. They aren’t demanding that the
professionals in the room do something to help their situation or yelling
profanities in frustration. They just want to be a family again. And it was
rolling around in all of our minds although no one mentioned it: Christmas is
next week.
Finally, the mother speaks up, very meekly as she so very
obviously feels like the one being horrifically judged in the room. “Maybe just
some milk and fresh fruits and vegetables for the kids,” she mumbles. Naturally
all we have in our resource room is nonperishables like canned goods and items
with a forty-year shelf life. I wouldn’t
give that crap to my kids, I thought to myself, picturing the pretty meager
resource room in our office. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers, right?
But then it hit me: Of course! Groceries!
My mind started going a million miles a minute. I
immediately texted my husband and asked him if he would want to donate some
groceries to a needy family, that I would explain the details of the case to
him later. He, of course, said sure, probably assuming that it would just be a
couple of items and that even we could spare $20 on my measly nonprofit salary
and his relatively unimpressive Publix salary.
But when I got home that night and I told him the whole
story, he was captivated. “I was thinking,” I told him while we sat by our
expensive homemade fire pit and warmed our toes, “that maybe you could talk to
a couple of your co-workers and see if maybe they want to help. I was thinking
that if each person bought a couple of items, we could really get them a lot of
things and not have to spend a lot!” He nodded and thought for a moment before
he said, “Let me talk to Carrie (his store manager) and see what she thinks.
Maybe she can talk to some people about it.”
It didn’t take long for this idea to take off. Soon my
husband had posted something on Facebook calling all Publix employees to donate
food items, if they were interested, for a family in need. I was literally
shocked at the amount of individuals who genuinely wanted to get involved, the
amount of caring people who drove out of their way to drop off food items
before the pick-up time. People from the Publix that my husband doesn’t even
work at anymore began texting and Facebook messaging, asking what was needed
and how else they could help. I literally get chills just thinking about it.
Within twelve hours, there was a cartful of grocery items
that Publix employees just donated.
They bought all kinds of things and bagged it up for us to take to the family.
But it wasn’t just that. My husband’s store manager had personally gone out and
purchased gift cards in large amounts, she had donated tons of Publix gift
cards, and other employees had purchased things like gas cards, Visa gift
cards, Target gift cards, and even cash. By the time we had sorted everything
out, there was about $200 in Target cards, over $200 in Publix cards, and
probably over $100 in miscellaneous gift cards and cash.
I left my husband’s store (Publix at the Northwood Plaza,
#1117) on the verge of tears. I was so amazed at the amount of kind, generous
people willing to just drop what they were doing to help. One of the managers
from my husband’s old store had driven all the way down from the Publix she worked at purely to drop off donated
groceries. When I practically jumped on her and thanked her like an idiot she
said, “No worries! Anytime!” When my husband’s store manager walked us out to
the car to help us unload the groceries she said to me, “This was only 12
hours! Imagine what we could have done if we had more time.”
I have never felt warmer or better about anything in my
entire life. And you know what? I only wish I could do more. This whole shindig
was eventually sent all the way up to our program director and even she was
impressed. The way these people just came together, the way they just forgot
about themselves for an hour and considered another family, the way they all just jumped in and helped makes me
want to cry. It just absolutely melts my heart. And you know what, friends? This is why I became a social worker.
When I brought all of the items to work and loaded it into
the case manager’s car, her mouth actually fell open. “All from your husband’s
co-workers?” she asked and all I could mumble back in my emotional, pregnant
stupor was, “Publix is the best. And my husband’s store manager is seriously
amazing.” About an hour later, the case manager texted me saying that she had
dropped the items off to the father. She told me that he was so excited to see
all of the groceries, that he couldn’t believe that our agency would actually
take the time to hear the things they needed. And when she pulled out the
envelope with all the gift cards and cash in it, he broke down and cried.
I swear to God, aside from the day I took my positive
pregnancy test, I’ve never had a better day. I was smiling like an idiot the
entire day because I just felt so good about instigating something that grew so
unexpectedly. I couldn’t believe the amount of support this family received by
way of people who were just strangers, people who didn’t know the story and
people who, quite honestly, didn’t really care. My husband’s store manager told
us that her husband had inquired about what had happened to the family to make
them needy. He just wanted to know their story. She replied, “We’re helping them. Who cares why?”
Moral of the Crazy: You
know, I had an entirely different plan for this blog. In fact, it wasn’t about
Christmas, it wasn’t about giving, and it wasn’t going to be about this family.
It was probably one of my usual sassy anecdotes about how men are just awful
and how my friends deserve nice boyfriends for Christmas. But the more I
thought about it, the more I changed my mind. This blog is so special to me and
honestly, I think it’s the most important
blog I’ve ever written. If there is ever a message that I want to get out,
a blog that I want shared all across Facebook by anyone who cares to share, if
there were ever words I’ve written that I’ve wanted read, they are these.
When I was telling my mom the story about this entire
experience, she smiled and said to me, “Katie, that’s what Christmas is all
about!” But to me, this is so much more than that.
The truth is that sometimes, because we’ve all got our own
lives to live, we get too caught up in ourselves. I think it’s really common
for people to just naturally be self-centered and not take even a moment to
think about another person. And it’s not just that, but also the fact that we
aren’t considering their circumstances, we aren’t considering the tools they’ve
been given (or not given), we aren’t giving a moment’s thought to what might be
holding them back, what might be causing them to act out or not function in the
way we deem appropriate. All of us
are so quick to judge people so harshly because it’s so easy to do that from
our ivory towers.
I see it every day at work and you know what? I’m even
guilty of it myself sometimes! I catch myself saying things like, “Well, if it
was me, I wouldn’t have left my baby on that concrete stoop!” or “If
that was my kid, I wouldn’t let them act out so badly to the point
that I need to physically discipline them!” and “If I was that child’s parent, I would
never run out of toilet paper, milk, or clean clothes!” But the honest truth is
I’m not that child’s parent, those
children aren’t mine, and my
surrounding circumstances are far different from those of the people that I
service every day.
I have all the privilege in the world. I have tons of
natural supports. I have two savings accounts and the ability to easily
purchase a new car at the beginning of the year. My husband and I both have
jobs that we excel at and having a child isn’t really setting us back all that
much. My life is completely different from those people that I deal with every
day, it’s different from all the people I’m quick to judge on Facebook, and
it’s different from the person in the cubicle next to me. I’m not a millionaire
or living off of a pizza shop fortune but I’ve got more than the things I need.
And if something dire were to ever happen to me, I wouldn’t have to even ask
for help because the people in my life would just come running. Because my
supports would drop whatever they were doing to come help me and alleviate
whatever stress I was feeling in any way that they could.
But that’s not the hand everyone has been given. And
sometimes, it’s not their fault. Sometimes it’s something that is completely
out of their control.
With things like the pending election and all the chaos that
has surrounded it looming over us, I think it’s really important, especially
this time of year, for us to really sit back and take a look at ourselves.
Everyone is always saying that the holidays are a time for giving, the holidays
are a chance for people to give back, the holidays are a time when people
should come together and be there for each other. But do you know what I’ve
seen instead of all that? I’ve seen people crying about “Republicans” saying
“Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”. I’ve read articles about certain
parties gathering 4.7 million dollars to sponsor a recount for the presidential
election. I’ve watched videos of people beating each other in the streets and
acting like total animals during this time when we’re allegedly supposed to
come together.
I could think of a million helpful things to do with that
4.7 million dollars. It could be donated to charities, it could be given to
homeless and domestic violence shelters, it could be used to feed a lot of families for Christmas dinner,
it could be used to purchase a lot of
presents for needy families for the holidays, or it could be used to benefit
the families affected by the Tennessee fires. The thought that this is how people are willing to spend
their seemingly hard earned money is just insane to me. I don’t understand how
a person would feel better about donating money to finance some bullshit
recount that’s never going to happen than helping someone in need. It’s
absolute nonsense!
I mean, I understand
that “we can’t help everyone” but there are
things that we can do. There’s a lot of things, actually. And going from my
experience of this past weekend, it doesn’t take a whole lot of work. With
things like social media and the average user’s tendency to click that “share”
button, the realization that help is needed would spread like absolute
wildfire. (No pun or disrespect intended.)
So this holiday season, while you’re snuggling with your
children and you’re warm on your clean couch, think about how seriously blessed
you are. When you get into your mid-level luxury vehicle and turn on your newly
purchased Sia compact disk, think about all the people that are stuck riding
the bus because they can’t even begin to afford a vehicle. When you rip open
your Echo and start playing with it and setting up automatic ordering for your
MAC cosmetics, think about all the children whose parents can’t afford a gallon
of milk.
I’m not asking you to go out and spend all of your hard
earned money on a complete stranger that you’ve never met. I’m not saying to
roll down your window at the intersection of Alternate 19 and US HWY 19 and
give money to that chronically homeless man with the obviously broken nose. I’m
not saying to go to church and say a million Hail Mary, full of grace prayers because you’ve been really naughty
and selfish all year.
I’m just asking you to be considerate. I’m just asking you
to put yourself second just one time and think about another person’s needs
before your own. I’m just asking you to help alleviate someone’s stress, even
if it’s in a really small way. Maybe you buy them a cup of coffee, maybe you
smile at them while they walk past your desk, or maybe you bite the bullet and
help them out when they need it. Lend an ear, lend a dollar, lend your time.
Please, friends, please be good to each other this
Christmas. And whatever your religious affiliation or lack thereof, know that
everybody is suffering from some kind of something. Everybody has got a story
and everybody has felt the pang of judgement on their backs. Know that being
pleasant never killed anybody. Know that doing something really small could
affect someone in a huge way. Know that despite what it feels like, you’re not
alone in any of this.
Because there’s always someone out there who is going to
care.
One of the most
important things you can do on this earth is to let people know they are not
alone. –Shannon L. Alder
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