As a grown-up who is relatively well adjusted, I realize that there are some things we have no control over. I have long since realized that there are some cases where a problem is way over our head and we lack the discipline to just keep it together, so we sway into the other lane. Our restraint has dissipated and somehow we have slipped back into an old routine. We text message that handsome ex-boyfriend that we probably shouldn’t, we pour ourselves one more glass of whiskey even though we know we’ve already had enough, and we go to the Hard Rock or Michael Kors and blow our whole paycheck even though we’ve got lots of bills to pay.
Sometimes it’s just hard to control ourselves and giving in to whatever we desire just seems so much easier, so much sweeter. I mean, why would you do what you have to do when you just as simply do what you want to do?
This kind of mentality can easily bleed into romantic relationships. I know of so many situations where the importance of a relationship seems to fall away and the more savory, sensual activities seem to become the more favorable choices. For some, it isn’t about the cheating, the incessant lying, or the deceiving. It’s about how the illicit partaking makes you feel. Some might call it a sexual addiction or a likelihood to experience symptomatic behavior in regards to outwardly promiscuous activity. Some might call it the tendency to intentionally step out on their partner or the conscious inability to remain faithful. And I get it; following the rules isn’t for everyone.
Either way, I tend to view it as an epidemic. This chronic inclination to cheat or to claim behaviors exacerbated by sexual addiction is absolutely everywhere. I know that right now, in today’s society especially, we are laden with crisis. There are so many insane political things going on that it’s actually stressful to engage in social media activities. There are individuals dying because of things like their race and religious beliefs. There are people fighting each other over ridiculous things like public restrooms and same sex marriages. There are people who turn a blind eye to individuals held captive overseas and insane, incredibly frightening things taking over the world like terrorism and genocide. Every day in this country, people beat their kids and their wives while in other places around the world, adults and children are starving and lacking the clean water they need to drink and bathe themselves. There are veterans of foreign wars who have literally given their lives for ours that are homeless, uncared for, and destitute. There are no funds, there are no resources, and there is no one willing to shift their lives to help others.
Friends, we live in a terrible, absolutely frightening, selfish world.
I don’t know if the solution lies in helping each other or helping ourselves. I just can’t help but wonder if all of this stems back to us and how we treat people. And not just people but our husbands and wives, our mothers and fathers, our children and our pets.
The whole point of this spiel is this: if you don’t respect your partner, how are you treating the rest of the world?
My mother is this super cute, old school Republican from Indiana. She was a huge flower child in the sixties and seventies and she used to make “sun tea” for us in the summer. She collects stray animals from outside and wears a purse made up of multiple color hemp patches. Her second marriage was to a man who could give her virtually anything financially but she would much rather sit outside on her deck, its wood bowing from the heat and years of bitter snow storms, with a big glass of red wine on her lap and the sun warming up her skin. She is a child of nature, a woman who grew up on a farm and didn’t have indoor plumbing until she was 13. She is warm, welcoming and well-read.
I remember, in elementary school, when the whole Clinton/Lewinski debacle took place my mom said, “How could you trust a man who cheated on his wife while he was in the White House?” This is absolutely not a political blog by any means because I’m notorious for not knowing anything about politics. The point is it wasn’t because she is a Republican and Clinton is a Democrat; it wasn’t because their beliefs fall on different platforms and my mom could just never seem to get behind the “Liberal Agenda”. It was because Clinton was a man who blatantly cheated on his wife. When it comes down to it, we’re all the same people. Some people cheat, some people choose to be faithful.
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. –Barbara Bush
I know that I am always writing all these blogs about how both men and women incessantly cheat on their partners and I have to say that while certain individuals might be exhausted with hearing about it, they’re probably the ones that need it the most. And don’t misinterpret this as an attack on men because it absolutely is not. I’m sure that the percentage of men and women cheaters is relatively close to equal. I just feel like men are more prone to be repeat offenders. They are perhaps less likely to learn a lesson from what they did. I also feel like men are more susceptible to blatant dishonesty. But I don’t want to generalize.
I know that a lot of people like to throw around the term “sex addict” as if it’s supposed to mean something. And honestly, I’m not an abnormal psychologist; maybe it does mean something. Maybe it is a genuine disorder that plagues a select portion of our population. I just have a hard time believing that sex is really an impulse people can’t control. More especially when you’re in a relationship and the sex in question is with someone other than your partner. Maybe my vision is skewed on this but whatever the excuse you want to give for this, it’s nonsense.
I did a little reading up on this alleged disease and according to one website, individuals who suffer from sexual addiction tend to stay in unhealthy relationships because they fear being abandoned. The website also mentions that proverbial sex addicts may feel “empty or incomplete” when they are alone. There are numerous treatments, including cognitive behavior therapy and various twelve step programs. Doctors can even put sex addiction sufferers on prescription medication.
I am so sorry, friends. I think this is pure, unadulterated nonsense. Do you want to know why these alleged sex addicts have a fear of abandonment? Because they’ve either already cheated on their partner or they’re contemplating it. Do you want to know why they feel “empty” when they’re alone? Because being single and lonely is basically the worst feeling in the world.
Sexual addiction has suddenly become a viable excuse for cheating and barefaced promiscuity and it is absolutely ridiculous. Instead of holding people accountable for their inappropriate actions and infidelities, we are giving them license to just continue doing it. We are literally giving them a prescription to behave badly.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. –George Carlin
To be honest, for the “I have this friend…” portion of this blog, I struggle because I just know so many situations where the men (sorry in advance, men) just incessantly cheat like it’s their goddamn job. Maybe it’s that these men have a strong, nearly unquenchable sexual appetite. Maybe it’s that they have a blatant disregard for their relationship or their partner. Maybe it’s because they don’t like boundaries and staying inside the playground fence. I just think that regardless of whatever reason you want to give they are all manageable and avoidable for the proverbial adult who wants to maintain a healthy relationship.
I have one friend who has been with the same man for roughly five years. From what I know, this man is married with relatively zero intentions of divorcing his wife. And quite honestly, why should he have to? It’s not like either female in his life is going anywhere anytime soon. Apparently everyone is privy to the situation and seems adequately satisfied in the relationship.
He lives with his wife and child full time but spends all of his “free time” with his extra marital girlfriend. He will frequently spend the night at her house and once, even went out of town with her. Although he would run out every three seconds to deal with “work”, aka his wife, his girlfriend seemed completely unfazed by it. Even though he would disappear from the table for twenty minutes at a time, she seemed immune and unconcerned. She appeared well aware that there was another person romantically involved in his life and she seemed to accept it. Outwardly, this warped (and seemingly hectic) arrangement appears to be working for him. Slap some silk pajamas and a smoking jacket on him and call him Hugh Hefner!
To me, it just seems crazy. I have a hard time understanding how this man is comfortable with habitually sleeping and apparently cohabitating with two different women. I guess I personally just have a hard time sharing my valuables and I can’t really seem to wrap my head around the fact that you could fully commit to two women. I mean, these aren’t just “side pieces” that he calls when he’s bored or waiting for the cable guy. These are two very different individuals that he has put time into separately, two separate women that he has been incredibly intimate with, two different women with whom he has opened up to and shared secrets with. I mean, I don’t know. I suppose that it could come in handy when he gets tired of one and retreats toward the other but other than that it just seems like a lot of unnecessary work to me.
I have this other friend who is married to a man that I am almost certain is a non-violent sociopath. And I’m genuinely not even being snarky in saying that. I’m pretty sure it’s an accurate diagnosis. I mean, I know I’m just a bachelor’s level social worker but if you knew this man and Googled “how to spot a sociopath”, his personality would be spot on. Sociopaths are incredibly charismatic and charming, and that is something this man has exuded since birth. He literally radiates charisma and I can almost guarantee that’s how he has been successfully able to cheat on his wife for about a million years. The amount of girlfriends that this man has had on the side is disgusting and embarrassing for everyone involved.
Sociopaths also have this tendency to fabricate these insanely outrageous stories about their life experiences. Sort of like a Mr. Top It, the average sociopath has done it all and he’s probably done it ten times better than you, facing fourteen times the strife, not to mention that the said event probably took place during a hurricane. And not only that, but during that alleged hurricane, the aforementioned sociopath almost certainly saw some famous person on the side of the road and saved them from a sinking car. It was probably someone really beautiful like Sophia Lauren or Rita Hayworth, or someone inherently likable like Justin Timberlake or Jimmy Fallon and you know that they probably repaid said sociopath quite handsomely. But because most sociopaths are highly intelligent, they don’t often get caught in these lies regarding their Miss Argentina ex-girlfriend or that time they sat on a plane next to Lady Gaga. Their lies just seem to coexist with the rest of their life, even if they are overly colorful and sometimes unbelievable.
And they almost certainly never get caught cheating.
But something else about the sociopath is that through no fault of their own, they don’t feel any sort of emotion regarding things like love, shame, guilt or remorse. I think in cases like this, maybe these men don’t mean to be dishonest, cheating assholes; they just are by nature. I don’t think that they possess the skills to actually genuinely love someone, let alone be faithful to them. In this couple’s case, I don’t believe that this woman’s husband is a hurtful, vindictive man out to have his seeds sown. I think that he just fakes his way through emotions and satisfies whatever needs he has because he doesn’t feel any guilt about it. He isn’t spiteful or malicious, he just does whatever he feels like, whenever he feels like without any regard to anyone else. And in his defense, it just comes naturally to him.
Sociopath? Perhaps. Sex addict? Definitely not.
Moral of the Crazy: Maybe it’s that in some particular situations, sex has no emotional meaning. Maybe it some situations, there is only one thing that is really craved, there is only one thing that a person absolutely cannot live without. And it isn’t to say that the person they love isn’t sexually satisfying them; maybe it just means that they aren’t particularly able to be satisfied. Maybe it’s that even with a lot of physical, interpersonal interaction, these types of people will never be satisfied. They will just never have enough. Maybe sexual addiction is a real thing that affects more people than I could ever understand and maybe those people genuinely need help coping with their addiction. Maybe these individuals need to be taught positive coping skills and given tools to properly understand and accommodate their disease.
But honestly, I’m a social worker. I was taught to look at the bright side of things even when there clearly isn’t one. It’s a big portion of my job description and a task that I endure every day. In cases like the one in the aforementioned few paragraphs, I have to say that I kind of feel like using the term “sexual addiction” would just be a garbage excuse. Using it as a means to label their incessant deceit just seems like it would add insult to injury. Not only is it that they’re stepping out on you for goodness only knows what reason but they’ve also got a legitimate excuse for it too? You’re expected to just accept what they do and move on from it without holding them accountable? They get to tarnish your relationship and your reputation and bang whoever they want in the name of mental disorder? Because they’re allegedly sick? They’re mentally ill?!
How about no.
Listen, I understand. I am not one of those people who claims that mental illness is a luxury or a state of mind. I know it’s real and I know that people struggle every day and have inabilities coping. I understand that in some cases, their mental injury is so debilitating that these individuals can’t hold jobs or necessarily live on their own. Some of them have even become wards of the state or are institutionalized because they are unable to care for themselves.
But I strongly believe, and this is just my personal and relatively professional opinion, that there is a difference between those people who are genuine sufferers and people who can’t seem to remain faithful for the life of them. Maybe it’s because they’re bored with their girlfriends who are seemingly not any fun or maybe it’s because they have a really difficult time saying no to women who perpetually throw themselves at any man with a pulse. Maybe it’s because there are tons of individuals out there who just really could care less about being faithful and honest, whether or not they’re in a relationship. Maybe it’s that their habitual immoral behavior like lying, making up stories and generally being a goddamn sociopath has bled into their romantic relationships and they’ve somehow failed to see how their poor decisions affect the people they allegedly care about. Whatever the reason, I’m sorry but I just find it inexcusable.
And I’m not talking about the people like Hugh Hefner (if you want to even use him as an excuse; the man is 100) or Christian Troy, who parade their promiscuity like a rainbow flag at a Gay Pride parade. I’m not referring to people who are forthcoming and honest about their lifestyle; people who clearly have no plans to settle down and don’t make a habit of seeing a girl more than once unless they absolutely have to. I’m not talking about people who come to the table saying “This is just sex and nothing further will ever come of it. If you don’t like it, there’s the door.” There’s nothing wrong with flaunting your sexuality or engaging in multiple partners if you own that shit. I have no qualms with that and completely support an active sex life. Everybody should have one!
I’m talking about cheaters. I’m talking about people who knowingly act out and treat their live-in girlfriends like garbage because they can’t seem to settle down and keep their dick in their pants after five years of dating. I’m talking about people who have multiple affairs with multiple people in multiple states. I’m talking about people who claim they’re visiting a European country and then get caught by a red light camera in Marion County, Florida. I’m talking about people who have wives but have extra-marital relationships for something like five years and then end up cheating on BOTH of those women with someone completely fucking different. I’m talking about married men doing home installations asking their clients if they’re interested in working out some kind of bang buddy deal.
What is that even about? Who can even keep up with all of it? That has to be incredibly damaging on a lot of your organs but most of all, your goddamn heart. And I’m not talking about breaking it; I’m talking about the stress of keeping up with the multitude of lies that is probably rotting it from the inside out.
Stress, friends: it’s the silent killer!
I know I talk about cheating a lot but that’s only because I feel I have to. I don’t know what it is about today’s day and age but somehow it’s become acceptable. I mean, I do know people who have genuinely cheated once and it was an isolated incident. If something happens and you make a mistake once, it’s all okay as long as you learn from it and don’t even CONSIDER doing that shit again. But when it happens over and over and over again for actual years with the same person or lots of different people, I’m sorry but they say if you do something for thirty days straight it becomes a habit…
Listen, I’m not here to label everyone with an A on their chest. It’s not like I’ve made a life out of being honorable but I work at that shit every day. I don’t make the same stupid, selfish mistakes just because I got away with it the first time. I just want everyone to know that it’s okay to not forgive someone who cheats on you over and over again. You aren’t giving up on them if you kick them to the curb; you’re giving up on yourself if you feel like you don’t deserve any better. It’s totally appropriate to say to your cheating asshole boyfriend, “You know what? I don’t support your behavior and I feel sorry for you if you can’t figure this out the next time around.” It’s okay to move on from someone like that because quite frankly, they obviously don’t give a shit about you which means they probably won’t be phased by your leaving. And why would you want to be with someone like that? Whoever you are, you deserve to be with someone who would literally just die if you left them. Not someone who will hold open the door for you and watch you walk out.
Like my mother-in-law always says, “It’s a pretty good thing I’m not deceitful because I talk in my sleep.”
Take care, friends. Cheating is bad, m’kay? And sexual addiction is probably not a real thing. We’ll see when the new DSM comes out…
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. –Mae West
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