Between two evils, I always picked the one I never tried before. –Mae West

I kind of hate to concede this but throughout the majority of my relatively short life, I seem to have followed this pattern of being drawn to individuals with a mean streak. And to be fair, I can’t say that they’ve all been violent, per se because in all honesty, only a slight handful of them were. It’s sort of like these people, both men and women, were just sort of naughty; they favored the dark side and they chronically misbehaved. I can’t exactly put my finger on it but there is something so sweet in the bad behavior, something so savory in the insubordination. As much as I absolutely hate admitting this, there is something that I will always love about the ungovernable, something about the wildly unruly that will forever fascinate me.   

I have to tell you, I have always been absolutely obsessed with Johnny Depp. As a domestic violence advocate, however, this recent news about him being an alleged wife beater has left me a little unsettled. When I read all the articles about it, I found myself sticking up for him. I just don’t want to believe it, friends. The man is just so mysterious and brilliant. He has such substance. He is everything!

The thing is that vanilla can just be so bland. There seems to be something really blasé about playing it safe; there is something kind of tiresome in living the Leave It to Beaver brand of life. It gets old, the chronic repetition. What’s interesting is I just had a conversation similar to this one with my husband. Sometimes you just crave things that aren’t good for you.

Here’s the thing: I absolutely love scary movies. I have seen virtually every one ever made, probably more than once. Honestly, if I could actually live inside of a scary movie, I probably would. (And also, not that it matters, but I would also probably totally survive.) When my husband and I have movie days, I pick the scariest movies I can possibly find and insist on watching them despite whatever disclaimers or warnings are in effect. (Which reminds me: did you see that thing on Facebook about how there would be a priest available after people viewed The Conjuring 2 should the viewers need someone to speak with?! You already know I’m watching that!)

The strange thing is though that I am super, painfully afraid of that dark. Like, for example, if I had to sleep the entire night in the pitch black by myself, I probably just wouldn’t sleep. I am absolutely terrified of the dark and I couldn’t even tell you why. In this instance, the thought of being alone in the dark is so terrifying that it actually overwhelms me. But with scary movies, it’s a completely different feeling. The terror I feel excites me! I am obsessed with it. I crave it like nothing else. 

Man is the cruelest animal. –Friedrich Nietzsche

And my realization is that perhaps because of people like me, the Lucifer-esque people thrive and continue to progress. (And we are obviously imagining Tom Ellis’ Lucifer, not Tim Curry’s. We want well over six foot, well-dressed and handsomely sarcastic for this metaphor. Not a fiery red goat like creature with giant, pointy horns. I want to be seduced by a sassy, devilish Englishman not stabbed and assaulted by oversize goat horns. Ew, no thank you.) I was thinking that maybe because we can sometimes reward this behavior in various ways, it has become acceptable. Maybe even somewhat admirable. I mean, tell me that you can watch Lucifer without finding Lucifer absolutely adorable. If you claim you can, you are lying, friends.

But I have seen this everywhere, if I’m being honest. A man cheats on his wife like it’s his job and we seem to overlook it. Maybe it’s because we’re the ones benefitting from it or maybe we just don’t want to villainize him because hey, he could be doing far worse things. A person lies over and over again to a person that they allegedly care about and we know all about it but keep it safely to ourselves. Maybe we care about them so much that we don’t want to embarrass them or maybe it’s that the lie is seemingly so unimportant that it’s not worth rocking the boat. Someone beats their wife or their child and we keep our comments to ourselves. Maybe we don’t want to believe it’s true or don’t want to assume what the circumstances were. Maybe we don’t want to judge because hey, people are troubled and everybody’s got a story. Maybe it’s just because their mom didn’t cuddle them enough. 

This kind of nonsense has just become acceptable, especially in the field I work in and I just don’t understand the adjustment. And I’m not preaching because I’m certainly not innocent of this. I basically just forgive everyone over and over again (for the most part) because I feel like if the situation were reversed, that’s what I would want. I mean, everyone wants a chance to redeem themselves. The problem with this is that people take advantage; I think it’s that some people just don’t care. It’s just not of importance to them.

Yeah, well evil spelled backwards is live. –Ritchie, Summer of Sam

I have a really close friend in this exact situation. She has been with this man[child] for something like five years. When they first started seeing each other, I want to say that he was still in a previous relationship but I’m not completely clear on the details. I would like to tell you that they started fresh, that this previous girlfriend of his was planted firmly in his rearview, but I would be lying to you. Unfortunately for my sweet, tiny friend, this ex-girlfriend (and many other girls, in fact) would never be far from his mind.

And while I hate to sit here and judge this man from cyberspace, it’s really difficult not to. It would be one thing if my friend was a terrible girlfriend who demanded out of control things but on the contrary, she worships him. She gives him everything he needs, including his space, when he routinely claims that he needs it. She is beautiful and smart, an incredibly classy and fashionable lady who stays in, barely drinks, and refuses to party. She is clean-cut, well maintained, and incredibly patient. In addition to all this, she is incessantly forgiving him for all the nonsense he pulls and makes it her life’s work to be nonchalant about the way he behaves. She just sort of shrugs her shoulders and says, “He knows better. It won’t happen again.” She doesn’t lash out or try to make him jealous. She doesn’t slash his tires or try to damage the vehicle that she pays the warranty payment on. She doesn’t yell and stomp her feet or call him names. She is the picture of calm, maintains that he will be sorry if something bad happens, and continues to love him. Her patience knows no limits. 

Personally, I ain’t about that life but I’m a hot blooded Italian broad. I don’t have time for that kind of nonsense. I would probably be in jail for vandalism and/or property damage. He would only have a pretty car for so long.

I don’t really understand the mentality behind intentionally moving in with someone if you don’t want to spend any time with them. I mean, if your plans are to go out every night without her until God only knows what hour in the morning, why are you with her? If she allegedly is “no fun”, why do you maintain a relationship with her? I have this man[child’s] phone number and I very seriously contemplated letting him know what a piece of actual garbage I think he is. But then I figured I would be no better than he is if I did that. And I’m quite sure that he doesn’t particularly care what I think. I mean, he doesn’t even care what his girlfriend thinks!

I understand how the possibility of a serious commitment can perhaps stifle some people. I mean, after all, we aren’t all on the same maturity level. Maybe it’s that this man feels suffocated, like living with the girl he is allegedly in love with is causing some tightness in his chest. But quite frankly, I think that is pure nonsense.

How old is this man? How many times is he going to “go through a phase” where he needs to figure out what he wants? If you don’t know after five years, homie, you never will. If you purposely stay out until three or four o’clock in the morning and your girlfriend is conveniently uninvited, you obviously have no interest in preserving your relationship. You’ve got priorities and she absolutely is not one of them. Let’s be real. Like my dad always says, “You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.”

Moral of the Crazy: This is all so infuriating to me; that blatant disrespect and lack of regard for someone you’re supposed to love, someone you intentionally moved in with because you claimed you desired to move forward exasperates me. I am literally disgusted by him. He is an evil monstrosity of a man and the fact that he is incessantly getting away with his goddamn terrible behavior literally makes my blood boil. 

I just don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand what he is getting from being awful to her; I don’t see why acting like an overgrown, deeply depraved child is something that he’s proud of. “Hey, I’m So and So and I go out of my way to make my sweet, unsuspecting girlfriend miserable.” I will never accept it. His behavior abhors me. She deserves so much better. 

The unfortunate reality is that sometimes people just are what they are. Sometimes there is nothing to figure out. Sometimes people are just evil, sinful and baneful. Sometimes people just don’t seem to care who they hurt. Sometimes people only look out for number one; they are a country unto themselves. And rather unfortunately, those people will always be that way because they will see past themselves. 

It’s just a serious shame for the people who waste their time caring about them.

My wish is that these evil little brats see the error of their ways and work towards bettering their behavior. But as a woman and a social worker, I know better. I don’t want to sound negative or like a bitter cynic, but sometimes people are what they are. And in this case, I’m sure this aforementioned man[child] thinks he’s just fabulous. The sad reality is that he will find a new girlfriend who puts up with his nonsense before he ever considers working on himself. 

I just wish that I could shelter all the future conquests. I wish they had to register like sex offenders so we could all steer clear of them. My wish is that this friend of mine finds someone so sweet he makes her teeth hurt. My wish is that one day, she doesn’t have to wonder a single day what her proverbial partner is doing, that she doesn’t have to sit at home alone while he goes out, and that she doesn’t have to be his back-up plan forever.

My wish is that she finds someone good, someone vanilla flavored, someone who wakes up every morning to know what she’ll say. Sometimes the bad ones help us realize what we don’t want out of life and if that’s the case here, then she’s definitely learning a lot. 

All I can say is hang onto the ones you think you love because once they open their eyes and see how sinister you are, they won’t be there to kick around forever. And I promise you the next man won’t be a rebound. He is going to be the one who takes his girl to every party because he remembers how much she loves to dance.

All I can say is that you’ve been warned.

Murderers are not monsters; they’re men. And that’s the most frightening thing about them. –Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones