I kind
of hate to concede this but throughout the majority of my relatively short
life, I seem to have followed this pattern of being drawn to individuals with a
mean streak. And to be fair, I can’t say that they’ve all been violent, per se
because in all honesty, only a slight handful of them were. It’s sort of like
these people, both men and women, were just sort of naughty; they favored the
dark side and they chronically misbehaved. I can’t exactly put my finger on it
but there is something so sweet in the bad behavior, something so savory in the
insubordination. As much as I absolutely hate admitting this, there is
something that I will always love about the ungovernable, something about the
wildly unruly that will forever fascinate me.
I have
to tell you, I have always been absolutely obsessed with Johnny Depp. As a
domestic violence advocate, however, this recent news about him being an
alleged wife beater has left me a little unsettled. When I read all the
articles about it, I found myself sticking up for him. I just don’t want to
believe it, friends. The man is just so mysterious and brilliant. He has such
substance. He is everything!
The
thing is that vanilla can just be so bland. There seems to be something really
blasé about playing it safe; there is something kind of tiresome in living the Leave It to Beaver brand of life. It
gets old, the chronic repetition. What’s interesting is I just had a
conversation similar to this one with my husband. Sometimes you just crave
things that aren’t good for you.
Here’s
the thing: I absolutely love scary
movies. I have seen virtually every one ever made, probably more than once.
Honestly, if I could actually live inside of a scary movie, I probably would.
(And also, not that it matters, but I would also probably totally survive.)
When my husband and I have movie days, I pick the scariest movies I can
possibly find and insist on watching them despite whatever disclaimers or
warnings are in effect. (Which reminds me: did you see that thing on Facebook
about how there would be a priest available after people viewed The Conjuring 2 should the viewers need
someone to speak with?! You already know I’m watching that!)
The
strange thing is though that I am super, painfully afraid of that dark. Like,
for example, if I had to sleep the entire night in the pitch black by myself, I
probably just wouldn’t sleep. I am absolutely terrified of the dark and I
couldn’t even tell you why. In this instance, the thought of being alone in the
dark is so terrifying that it actually overwhelms me. But with scary movies,
it’s a completely different feeling. The terror I feel excites me! I am
obsessed with it. I crave it like nothing else.
Man is the cruelest animal.
–Friedrich Nietzsche
And my
realization is that perhaps because of people like me, the Lucifer-esque people thrive and continue to progress. (And we are
obviously imagining Tom Ellis’ Lucifer, not Tim Curry’s. We want well over six
foot, well-dressed and handsomely sarcastic for this metaphor. Not a fiery red
goat like creature with giant, pointy horns. I want to be seduced by a sassy,
devilish Englishman not stabbed and assaulted by oversize goat horns. Ew, no
thank you.) I was thinking that maybe because we can sometimes reward this
behavior in various ways, it has become acceptable. Maybe even somewhat
admirable. I mean, tell me that you can watch Lucifer without finding Lucifer absolutely adorable. If you claim
you can, you are lying, friends.
But I
have seen this everywhere, if I’m being honest. A man cheats on his wife like
it’s his job and we seem to overlook it. Maybe it’s because we’re the ones
benefitting from it or maybe we just don’t want to villainize him because hey,
he could be doing far worse things. A person lies over and over again to a
person that they allegedly care about and we know all about it but keep it
safely to ourselves. Maybe we care about them so much that we don’t want to
embarrass them or maybe it’s that the lie is seemingly so unimportant that it’s
not worth rocking the boat. Someone beats their wife or their child and we keep
our comments to ourselves. Maybe we don’t want to believe it’s true or don’t
want to assume what the circumstances were. Maybe we don’t want to judge
because hey, people are troubled and everybody’s got a story. Maybe it’s just
because their mom didn’t cuddle them enough.
This
kind of nonsense has just become acceptable, especially in the field I work in
and I just don’t understand the adjustment. And I’m not preaching because I’m
certainly not innocent of this. I basically just forgive everyone over and over
again (for the most part) because I feel like if the situation were reversed,
that’s what I would want. I mean, everyone wants a chance to redeem themselves.
The problem with this is that people take advantage; I think it’s that some
people just don’t care. It’s just not of importance to them.
Yeah, well evil spelled backwards
is live. –Ritchie, Summer of Sam
I have a
really close friend in this exact situation. She has been with this man[child]
for something like five years. When they first started seeing each other, I
want to say that he was still in a previous relationship but I’m not completely
clear on the details. I would like to tell you that they started fresh, that
this previous girlfriend of his was planted firmly in his rearview, but I would
be lying to you. Unfortunately for my sweet, tiny friend, this ex-girlfriend
(and many other girls, in fact) would never be far from his mind.
And
while I hate to sit here and judge this man from cyberspace, it’s really difficult
not to. It would be one thing if my friend was a terrible girlfriend who
demanded out of control things but on the contrary, she worships him. She gives
him everything he needs, including his space, when he routinely claims that he
needs it. She is beautiful and smart, an incredibly classy and fashionable lady
who stays in, barely drinks, and refuses to party. She is clean-cut, well
maintained, and incredibly patient. In addition to all this, she is incessantly
forgiving him for all the nonsense he pulls and makes it her life’s work to be
nonchalant about the way he behaves. She just sort of shrugs her shoulders and
says, “He knows better. It won’t happen again.” She doesn’t lash out or try to
make him jealous. She doesn’t slash his tires or try to damage the vehicle that
she pays the warranty payment on. She doesn’t yell and stomp her feet or call
him names. She is the picture of calm, maintains that he will be sorry if
something bad happens, and continues to love him. Her patience knows no limits.
Personally,
I ain’t about that life but I’m a hot blooded Italian broad. I don’t have time
for that kind of nonsense. I would probably be in jail for vandalism and/or
property damage. He would only have a pretty car for so long.
I don’t
really understand the mentality behind intentionally moving in with someone if
you don’t want to spend any time with them. I mean, if your plans are to go out
every night without her until God only knows what hour in the morning, why are
you with her? If she allegedly is “no fun”, why do you maintain a relationship
with her? I have this man[child’s] phone number and I very seriously
contemplated letting him know what a piece of actual garbage I think he is. But
then I figured I would be no better than he is if I did that. And I’m quite
sure that he doesn’t particularly care what I think. I mean, he doesn’t even
care what his girlfriend thinks!
I
understand how the possibility of a serious commitment can perhaps stifle some
people. I mean, after all, we aren’t all on the same maturity level. Maybe it’s
that this man feels suffocated, like living with the girl he is allegedly in
love with is causing some tightness in his chest. But quite frankly, I think
that is pure nonsense.
How old
is this man? How many times is he going to “go through a phase” where he needs
to figure out what he wants? If you don’t know after five years, homie, you never will. If you purposely stay
out until three or four o’clock in the morning and your girlfriend is
conveniently uninvited, you obviously have no interest in preserving your
relationship. You’ve got priorities and she absolutely is not one of them. Let’s be real. Like my dad always says, “You
can’t bullshit a bullshitter.”
Moral of the Crazy: This is all so infuriating to
me; that blatant disrespect and lack of regard for someone you’re supposed to
love, someone you intentionally moved in with because you claimed you desired
to move forward exasperates me. I am
literally disgusted by him. He is an evil
monstrosity of a man and the fact that he is incessantly getting away with
his goddamn terrible behavior literally makes my blood boil.
I just
don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand what he is getting from being
awful to her; I don’t see why acting like an overgrown, deeply depraved child
is something that he’s proud of. “Hey, I’m So and So and I go out of my way to
make my sweet, unsuspecting girlfriend miserable.” I will never accept it. His
behavior abhors me. She deserves so much better.
The
unfortunate reality is that sometimes people just are what they are. Sometimes
there is nothing to figure out. Sometimes people are just evil, sinful and
baneful. Sometimes people just don’t seem to care who they hurt. Sometimes
people only look out for number one; they are a country unto themselves. And
rather unfortunately, those people will always be that way because they will
see past themselves.
It’s
just a serious shame for the people who waste their time caring about them.
My wish
is that these evil little brats see the error of their ways and work towards
bettering their behavior. But as a woman and a social worker, I know better. I
don’t want to sound negative or like a bitter cynic, but sometimes people are
what they are. And in this case, I’m sure this aforementioned man[child] thinks
he’s just fabulous. The sad reality is that he will find a new girlfriend who
puts up with his nonsense before he ever considers working on himself.
I just
wish that I could shelter all the future conquests. I wish they had to register
like sex offenders so we could all steer clear of them. My wish is that this
friend of mine finds someone so sweet he makes her teeth hurt. My wish is that
one day, she doesn’t have to wonder a single day what her proverbial partner is
doing, that she doesn’t have to sit at home alone while he goes out, and that
she doesn’t have to be his back-up plan forever.
My wish
is that she finds someone good, someone vanilla flavored, someone who wakes up
every morning to know what she’ll say. Sometimes the bad ones help us realize
what we don’t want out of life and if that’s the case here, then she’s
definitely learning a lot.
All I
can say is hang onto the ones you think you love because once they open their
eyes and see how sinister you are, they won’t be there to kick around forever.
And I promise you the next man won’t be a rebound. He is going to be the one
who takes his girl to every party because he remembers how much she loves to
dance.
All I
can say is that you’ve been warned.
Murderers are not monsters; they’re
men. And that’s the most frightening thing about them. –Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones
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