Lately, I’ve been feeling this sensation that I’ve been
pushed. It’s not in a physical sense; it’s more figurative, like I’m being
persuaded or talked into something I’m not particularly keen on. It’s almost
like I have a formulated opinion or feeling about something and people just
come around and try to knock me off balance. They try to change my mind or
distract me because they either disagree or feel like perhaps, they have a
better plan for my life.
I feel like we live in a world where there exists a lot of
give and take. A lot of times, if you want something done, you’ve either got to
do it yourself or do someone a nifty favor in order to get something back. What
I find to be a sort of sad fact for humanity is that very few people are willing
to go out of their way for someone else. I see it every day at both of my jobs.
It’s all a bartering system; nothing could ever be done merely as an act of
good faith. It can’t just be that you’re doing something nice for another
person. It’s, How can I use this later to
get what I want? How can I utilize this to contribute to my own personal
benefit?
I see a lot of this brand of absolute selfishness within
intimate relationships especially. It kind of seems like in some cases, one
individual tends to take priority over the other, where one person’s needs are
met while the other’s are not. It’s like riding one of those ridiculous tandem
bikes. Ultimately, one person is left to do all the heavy peddling while the
other just sits back and enjoys the ride. One is sweating every little thing while
the other is drinking beer and watching soap operas.
I always kind of related it to the Sara Bareilles song, “King
of Anything”. I mean, granted, this obviously isn’t the case for absolutely
every single situation but it’s like sometimes, people just think they know
more than you. And if I can be really frank, sometimes men, specifically, just think they know more than women. It’s as if
some of them think that they’re smarter than women are, more capable of success
and logical thinking, more deserving of desirable behaviors. I see it
sometimes, even when I’m just out and about in public. It’s like I owe these
men some kind of unspoken favor. Hey, I
got the spelling of your name right on your Starbucks beverage. How about a curiosity
smile? Or, Hey, I flirted with you
while I was tending the bar you were sitting at. How about a nice, fat tip, lil’
mama?
Listen: who died and
made you king of anything…?
Nice people don’t
necessarily fall in love with nice people. –Jonathan Franzen
I have had a lot of experience with this particular brand of
men. They seem to sort of lurk around everywhere, looking for the chance to
jump in and save the day. In some cases, it’s been in my own personal life; like
this one time, some guy told me that my car was a piece of garbage, that my job
was dead-end, and that I wasn’t “taking care of my body”. I mean, I clearly
needed his guidance, right? However did I get through life before I fell into
his clutches…?
But I’ll be honest, I’m seeing it more and more in those
relationships around me; like this one time, some guy told a girlfriend of mine
that it was probable she wouldn’t make a good parent. But it wasn’t her fault, he patronized her. His
assessment was based solely on the
fact that her parents had possessed
lousy parenting skills.
Yeah. Who died and
made you king of anything…?
The truth is that I’m the type of person who can be a
pushover. I have the propensity to be easily manipulated (and I’m working on
that...) and I sometimes let people walk all over me. This is primarily because
I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. I have a hard time discerning between
assertiveness and being habitually bossy. But because of all of this, sometimes
people will get the jump on me. I let people tell me what to do with my life
(and I don’t necessarily listen wholeheartedly or do what they say but I allow
them to try while I stare at them with big green eyes as if I’m genuinely
interested) and I find myself even more
willing to allow men to boss me
around.
And I’ll tell you what friends, I don’t appreciate it one bit.
I don’t like being told what to do and I don’t like being intimidated. I’m a
grown woman with a college degree and a husband. Just because you’re a foot
taller than me and like to watch the Turner Classic Movie channel doesn’t mean
you need to butt your
opinions into my life. It doesn’t merit you telling me what I need to do in
order to function successfully as an adult. Just do me this one solid: don’t
tell me how to live my life!
I see it a lot of times in the social work field. Not to sound
disparaging but some men sort of have the tendency to take over and take
control. It sort of becomes apparent that they feel most women just don’t know
anything and can’t handle themselves. (My husband is a little guilty of this
because he likes to ensure I’m safe, I’m healthy, and I have everything I need.
So as a man who is extraordinarily independent, as in he could probably survive
for months on a deserted island, he is built to take control and make sure I
have a secure life. Most of the time, like when I don’t feel like pumping my
own gas, I appreciate it. A lot.)
One man I dated in particular was very seemingly concerned
with my various life decisions. Like literally, all of them. I would say it was
probably more of a power and control thing than anything else. He didn’t feel I
was capable to survive out on my own in my [young] adult life so he just sort
of took over. And the crazy part about all of this is that to this day, I’m
almost 100% certain that I am, by far, more together than he probably ever was.
I also, for the record, am much better at keeping my anger in check, and of
that fact I am almost positive, despite not having spoken to him in nearly a
decade.
For the most part,
people are not curious except about themselves. –John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
I have a very sweet girlfriend who is in a similar style
predicament. Her and her probable eventual husband have been in an exclusively
committed relationship for years. They live together, do everything together,
and call each other’s parents “in laws”, despite not actually being married.
But while they allegedly love and are committed to each other, there is an
aspect about their relationship that is relatively bizarre. And if I’m being
honest, it sort of frightens me a little bit. And If I’m being really honest, it seriously gives me the
most annoying flashbacks.
He literally controls essentially every aspect of her life.
They share a vehicle, which I’m personally not a fan of because I hate relying
on people, and she will literally walk somewhere to meet him at night when it’s
dark. She won’t even accept rides home from her co-workers because it hasn’t
been pre-approved by her live-in Gestapo. And maybe that sounds a little harsh
to say but it’s not an exaggeration. It’s literally how he acts.
He’s also very strange about her downtime. He has to know
where she is and what she’s doing virtually every moment of every day. She
would even sometimes have to call him on her lunch break so he could ensure
that she was where she claimed to be. (Which was, by the way, at work. You
know, because it’s women who are so
terribly scandalous, right?) I’m telling you: the man needs Jesus.
And if I’m honest, I feel a little guilty saying that
because while I observe a certain red flag for abusive behavior, she
relentlessly talks about how much they love each other and how she can’t wait
to marry him. Who am I to diagnose their proverbial relationship issues? Who
died and made me king of anything?
I just see a lot of this controlling crap all over the
place. And to be fair, maybe it isn’t necessarily in a mean way; it’s more
like, you don’t really understand how to
properly function as an adult, so let me go ahead and do it for you. And
that, friends, is what infuriates me. I’m not one of those people that is
alright with just doing what I’m told within my interpersonal relationships. If
I ask for some help, that’s one thing, but I don’t appreciate being treated
like I’m five. I don’t need to be told how to get through life; I’ve been doing
it perfectly well for almost thirty years. I’ve already got a mother, thank
you.
Moral of the Crazy: Sometimes
it’s easy to just shake your head at a situation and think about how
differently you would do it, how much seemingly better you would handle it all.
But some things are easier said than done. I mean, it’s like my mom used to
teach in Sunday school: That’s why God gave us free will. So you can grow up,
be an adult (of sorts) and make whatever goddamn terrible mistakes you want. Or
sometimes, like my mother-in-law says, you’ve just got to give people enough
rope to hang themselves.
It isn’t necessarily that I don’t believe in guiding people
and encouraging them to make the right choice. Obviously I do, or I wouldn’t
have gone to social work school. I just feel like sometimes you have to give
people enough room to grow. And I especially find it condescending, in romantic
relationships, for one person to dictate what is wrong with the other, for one
person to point out the other’s short comings, and maintain some sort of
powerful privilege over the other. It just doesn’t seem like a nice way to
treat someone that you’re supposed to love. But maybe that’s just me.
I guess, in life, the general rule is to treat someone with the
same respect that you think you would deserve. Even though sometimes they
probably don’t. If everybody lived by that logic, I think a lot of things would
be different. For starters, we all might even like each other.
I don’t care what you
think unless it’s about me. –Kurt Cobain
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