Marriage requires special talent, like acting. Monogamy requires genius. –Warren Beatty

Do you ever hear of those romantic stories where this couple grew up two streets apart in New York City and then somehow ended up in the same Confirmation class? Then it’s like, they go to middle and high school at the Sacred Heart and they always bump into each other somehow? They are always in the same classes, their grandfathers play Pinnacle every Wednesday night because it turns out they came over on the same boat from the Old Country? Their brothers and cousins are friends and then suddenly one day, out of the blue, the lady grew up to be this gorgeous woman with great calves and the prettiest green eyes he’s ever seen. The man grows up to be bright and successful, hustling for every penny because his only goals in life are to have an enormous wallet and that little girl from his Confirmation class. They live happily ever after, blah blah blah. 

One love, their entire life. Only one love in a lifetime. 

I know that story like the back of my hand because that was my grandparents: Dominick and Arlene. I know these things to be true because I have actually seen them play out in real life. But I also know of very, very few people who have maintained only one romantic relationship throughout their entire life. Maybe it’s the stress of being in a relationship in general, the pushes and pulls of compromise, and the tension that builds up when strong minded, fiery tempered individuals argue daily over a span of years. Whatever the case may be, sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s what makes monogamy one of the scariest things a human could ever encounter. It’s even scarier than credit card debt, facial recognition technology, or God forbid, the goddamn government. Or someone else’s government!

And while the idea sometimes appeals to me because it’s just so classic and romantic, only one person throughout an entire lifetime doesn’t seem very realistic. In a way, it doesn’t seem all that life fulfilling. I mean, only one person forever and ever, amen? I cannot even begin to fathom what you must be missing, or in some cases, not learning. Each romantic individual you have had in your life has to leave just a bit of residual sparkle, right? Every relationship and fairytale encounter has to ultimately shape you into the person you are at this very moment, right? Am I right?

I don’t want to hop up on a soapbox and claim to be pro-anything but I do feel that life is all about the getting there. And if that’s true, if all of this is about the experience, doesn’t it seem feasible that the more close, intimate relationships you have, the richer in experience your life will be? And the richer in experience, the more life is lived, right? No don’t misunderstand; I’m not saying to go flash your goods down on Hillsborough Avenue in some backward attempt to further enrich your mind, body, and soul. I’m just saying that I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t been through the Mad Men caliber drama with the plethora of men I have been involved with. (Ugh, cue the grimace.)

Promiscuity is like never reading past the first page. Monogamy is like reading the same book over and over. –Mason Cooley 

A really good example of this mentality is Johnny Cash: With his first wife, Vivian, he had children and sort of grew into the person that he really wanted to be. Over time, he became a different person and realized that maybe, on some level, Vivian held him back. (Or maybe that he was holding her back.) Enter June Carter: the angel from above, the woman who literally saved his life. (If any of you have seen Walk the Line, remember the part where Johnny goes to June’s mom’s house and he is completely inebriated and out of his wits? She says to him, “You walked here?” And he says, “I’m on the June Carter love walk!” That is probably one of the best written movie lines in the entire history of movies.) It is a fascinating love story. Read about it. Or, just watch the movie.

But I’ll admit that sometimes, I think it is more than just the fact that people grow and change. I know this man who is handsome, brilliant and successful. He came from a good, European family grounded by strict Catholic rules and even stricter Italian morals. His family was from the Old Country where they did family days on Sunday. Picture it with me: forty people in a New York City railroad apartment, lots of Chianti, lots of babies, and everybody in their best Don Draper threads. 

Fast forward some twenty years and that handsome hustler I mentioned earlier gets married to this woman who looks like Olivia Newton-John. She is so different than anything he has ever known. She is wholesome and genuine. She is kindhearted and faithful. She is good to him and his family; she pampers him the way Italian men are brought up to believe they should be. She wanted children and made it her life’s work to fulfill his every need: the sensual ones, the emotional ones, and the ones forced on us by human nature. She fed him, clothed him, pressed his shirts, and didn’t ask him questions about where he had been, even when he stumbled into a Chicago bar half drunk and reeking of expensive, feminine perfume. 

But that wouldn’t be the first time he stepped out on her. It was an act that occurred a multitude of times, even as they got older. Once even, when he was in a hospital bed, recovering from a near fatal heart condition. For him, there never seemed to be enough. It never seemed to matter how good things were, how much money they had, or how many times they had been through this, there was always a piece of him that couldn’t stay faithful. He could commit to nearly anything. He had given his life to his trade and was completely satisfied with working his life away for those commission checks. But ask him to stay faithful to one woman, the one he could not wait to marry, fuggetaboutit. 

Great mind. Great head of black hair. Great height, great olive skin and natural tan, great designer suits in a variety of colors. Great musician, great salesman, and incredibly smooth talker. Shitty at fidelity. It would be his only downfall. 

Liz: Why feed me all this romantic bullshit if he’s just going to cheat on me?
Jane: Two words: Copulatory Imperative. The biological urge to spread their seed. The truth is that only 15% of all male mammals are monogamous. The rest are…
Liz: Fucking Penelope Pope.
-Liz and Jane on monogamy, Someone Like You

The truth is that sometimes, some people like to use this whole “I have an addictive personality”, “I have no self-control” nonsense as an excuse to just do whatever it is they want to do without any consideration as to how it might affect the other person. There is an enormous difference between being deliberately unfaithful and struggling with the lifestyle of monogamy. Growing up the way I did, I cannot say that I condone perfidy or that I believe any excuse for it a viable one. But I do believe that there are some instances where one person forever is not necessarily a good, romantic thing. (For this, I offer up the example of Heidi and Spencer Pratt. Ugh, cue the next grimace. It’s all crystals and plastic surgery and then it only goes downhill from there.) 

Moderate monogamy does have its upsides, however. I use the term moderate as a way to convey monogamy that isn’t necessarily lifelong, but more like long term. It can be best described as something like marriage, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio, or Big and Carrie Bradshaw’s long term relationship. There were relationships before these but they shaped these people into the couple they are today. These previous relationships, although sometimes annoying to talk about (my personal favorite is: #pleasedon’ttalktomeabouthim), should be parts of life that are highly valued because they brought you here today. They are the reasons that you are who you are and you’ve chosen who you’ve chosen. You have been molded and prodded and all of this heartache has enabled you to open up to someone that you genuinely care about. These past lives, friends, they exist for a reason. 

Moral of the Crazy: But there is something so delicious in the safety of one person, something so savory in the realization that there is one person out there who thinks you are everything. That there is one person out there who has seen every bit of you, even the really shitty parts (and let me tell you, I’ve got a lot of them…) and yet still, they breathe you in like it was the first time. They look at you and see only those great things you possess, they allow all those terrible flaws to just fall away because to them, even those flaws are perfect. They mistake your crazy, jealous streak for appreciation, your possessiveness for love, and your sleeplessness for an ever working, brilliant mind. They thank the heavens every night for the asshole that mistook your kindness for weakness. They, in fact, would like to shake that idiot’s hand because he’s the reason you’re lying next to him. 

Because to them, you couldn’t be more perfect. You’re the Marilyn to his Joe.

It can be frightening, the idea of opening up to someone. With such uncaged behavior comes the propensity for judgement and ridicule. The truth is that most people don’t like drama. They don’t like trouble, past, and pain, and things in real life that put a glitch in their plans. Seeing the real side of people can have lasting effects and maybe that’s why we’re all so naturally guarded. The idea of sharing our true selves with another person is absolutely terrifying because what happens when they don’t like what they see? What happens when they want to pull the cord on their parachute and bail? They’ve got your hopes and secrets in tow and while they move on to some gorgeous lingerie model, you’re stuck there like the idiot who forgot to cash out her flex account. 

I have plenty of my own absolutely irrational insecurities but to me, one of the scariest things in the world is being truly intimate with someone. Offering yourself up to a person sexually and emotionally is one of the most intimidating and exhilarating experiences I’ve ever encountered in my lifetime. Letting all your mistakes and makeup fall away in an attempt to get romantically close to another person is so terrifying that I cannot imagine just doing it with anyone. (Not that it’s something I’ve ever made a habit of or had to worry about in the last six years, considering my marital status. But I’m just saying.)

My point is that maybe the secret to monogamy isn’t something that is to be known. It’s more of something that should be experienced and while we all like our own flavors of cake, I feel like once you have found the one that really satisfies you, it is easily consumed. Monogamy is more than just a lifestyle change. It’s more than just a fifteen karat Lorraine Schwartz diamond from Kanye. It is a feeling, something that is to be cherished because for whatever reason, someone likes you enough to spend the majority of their life with you. It’s the hope that despite what Don Draper says, maybe love is more than just something created by advertisers to sell nylons.  

Maybe all monogamy really means is: Don’t give up on me.

I don’t want to brag but I’ll be the best you’ve ever had. –John Legend, Tonight (Best You Ever Had)