To be of good quality, you have to excuse yourself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals. –Michael Bassey Johnson

 

Can you even fathom putting an enormous amount of time into someone that you care about just to have them bleed you dry? Can you imagine listening to them cry about their countless problems, begging you for some sound advice, and complaining about the mess they have somehow gotten themselves into just to have them deny and dismiss it all in the next breath? Can you imagine caring about a person so much that it is literally taking a toll on you? Caring so much that you have actually exhausted yourself and lost sleep because you don’t know how to stop absorbing their multitude of problems?

In going to school and studying my passion, I have learned that love shouldn’t hurt; that instead of doing things for people, we should empower them to do those things for themselves. I have learned that you shouldn’t design goals for them, but instead allow them to realize their own goals and give them the resources to accomplish them. Throughout all of this, I have learned that there are some individuals that you’ve just got to walk away from; that there are just some things, sometimes, that you cannot fix. 

And maybe that will break your heart, but there is only so much you can do. There are only so many times you can say something before it is no longer heard. After a certain point, you’ve got to stop performing the same act and expecting different results. And realistically, you’ve got to remember to take care of yourself too, because self-care is unbelievably important. 

I am a person incessantly guilty of this exact situation. To be fair, I am going to school for this. I want to help people, I want to hear their problems, I want to console them and offer support. I want to assist people in developing healthy habits, alleviating the problems that ail them, and accomplishing the goals they’ve set for themselves. And maybe because of all of this, I’ve become too soft, too sensitive, and maybe even too caring, if there is such a thing. I rely far too heavily on where my emotions take me and maybe that’s a lot of where my problem lies. I let my heart lead the way too frequently and more often than not, it causes problems for me. I am always the one who is getting hurt, all because I care too much. 

And I hate that that has become such a crime. Why are we punished for trying to be good people? It doesn’t make sense! 

My head’s under water but I’m breathing fine. You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind. –John Legend, All of Me

Although my entire life is basically one colossal example of this, there is one instance in particular where I was far more affected. And I have to tell you, it is something that has been plaguing me for days. No, months. I had a falling out of sorts, with a dear, dear girlfriend of mine and ever since, it has been looming over me like a gigantic hedge. Despite the events that had transpired and despite the enormity of pain she has caused me, I cannot stop thinking about this. This argument, or perhaps more of a cease in communication, has been literally haunting me since it happened. It has been following me around for actual months, with the tension between us so thick it could be cut with a knife.

Every morning, on the way to wherever I was going, I would navigate my brain through a variety of courses and chronicle the events that had taken place. I would like to say that she was my best friend. She understood me and I certainly understood her, I thought, much better than most people. We had a lot of things in common, we were derived from similar backgrounds, and we had endured similar turmoil. We were both brilliant and fiery, and probably too sensitive to be around other people.

But gradually, things began to evolve. Somehow. Or maybe it wasn’t so gradual; more like I just was rather naïve to it at first. I never really picked up on the fact that she was using me for my limited mental health expertise. I didn’t want to believe that she was only using me to validate her feelings. The more and more I reflect on it, however, the more I believe it to be true.

So… tell me more about your fucked up friends. I’m really interested. –My sister, in an attempt to distract me from my chronic anxiety 

 There are so many things that happened that quite frankly DO bare going into because they set the stage for everything I’m currently feeling. Maybe like her, rather selfishly, I want to have my feelings validated.

She had allegedly been through a lot, had been involved with men who weren’t so good for her. She had been through things that made her delicate and apparently untrusting of men. This uneasiness was something that I could completely identify with because I had been there. I had gone through a few not so great experiences of my own and because of that, I wanted to coddle her. I wanted to absorb her problems and shelter her from those terrible things. I, unlike some people who met her, didn’t want to fix her; I just wanted to make her feel comfortable. I wanted her to feel understood and welcomed. I wanted to warm her heart.

So I welcomed her into my home and I made her a part of my family. I heard every detail of her life and I accepted her. And the more I listened to absolutely every aspect of her life, the more I realized that I had someone for her. He was sensitive and bashful, a guy who would never raise his voice to her for any reason. I immediately knew he would complement her inability to trust and open up right away. This whole thing was certain to be a match made in heaven. I could envision it all, right down to the garden wedding with the startlingly beautiful bride, the warm sun reflecting off her black hair.

But listen, friends. As with most things, I was wrong about all.of.it. That’s one open bar that I’ll never get to take advantage of.

I set them up and in the beginning, my suspicions were spot on. His politeness and sensitivity weren’t lost on her. At first, she appreciated his gentle kindness. He was a rose among the thorns that she had been acquainted with as of late. At first, she welcomed him with open arms because he was unlike anyone else she had ever been close to. She endlessly told me how perfect he was and how she couldn’t wait to meet him in person. (They had Facebook messaged, texted and called each other, and Skyped multiple times but hadn’t yet met in person.) She told me that she was nervous because she wanted everything to go perfectly and she didn’t want to come off as crazy. She wanted this to work out; she wanted it to be a caring, loving and lasting relationship. Or so she claimed.

How often misused words generate misleading thoughts. –Herbert Spencer

But suddenly, once she met him, it seemed like she had done this complete 360. She suddenly had no time for us (even me, her best friend!) because school was allegedly so taxing. But what really bothered me about all of this was that this disappearance was so sudden. It couldn’t have been school because it literally happened overnight. It was like she woke up one day and was a different person. Someone who was once a permanent fixture in my house was now so distant. It was like pulling teeth, trying to get her to come to my house. It was like she just couldn’t be bothered.

And what hurt my feelings even further was when she finally did take the time out her “busy schedule” (you would seriously think she was in medical school the way she behaved) to spend time with me and the guy she literally begged to come to Florida, she was quiet and cold. It was very obvious to me that she didn’t want to be there. It was evidenced by the way she acted like she was doing all of us a favor, which REALLY bothered me because this guy had just driven nine goddamn hours to see her! But hey, we’ve all got things to do, right?

Moral of the Crazy: I guess I was hurt because she had always kept in close contact with me, primarily because I was of use to her. Maybe I made her feel better about the life choices she had made (although she never seemed to heed my supposedly coveted advice) because I had made some poor ones too. Maybe I had helped her heal because I understood her pain regarding intimate partner violence. Maybe she saw me as some sort of beacon of a light, a voice of reason who could provide her with guidance whenever she couldn’t recover from something on her own. So when she didn’t need me anymore, or maybe when she thought I would start disapproving of her lifestyle, she just sort of… cut me off.

This was just a quick synopsis of what really happened. There’s obviously a lot more to the story and I’ll continue it in the next few blogs. For the time being, however, I just want to reach out to those of you who know people like this. I know that I feel used; I feel betrayed and cast aside. I feel like she purely reaped the benefits of my friendship and then moved on when I didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear.

When I was no longer of use to her, she just quit answering my text messages. But later, she claimed to have missed me and said that I was never far from her thoughts. As if I believed that after the way she had behaved.

But I’ll get to all that later.

What has always been troubling to me is the fact that no matter how hard you work at taking care of someone and being there for them, sometimes it just blows up in your face. Sometimes, as I’m learning more every day, they don’t care that you care. It didn’t matter that I was thinking about this whole ordeal incessantly because despite what she may claim, she wasn’t doing the same. It didn’t matter that I was worried about her and the current (and absolutely ridiculous) situation she was in because none of it would change. (And to be honest, I think she liked that I worried about her. The DSM-V calls it “histrionic tendencies”.) None of this matters in the slightest because she had moved on from it all, made her own life choices, and was living this new life apart from the rest of us. And I guess that’s just fine.

The thing is that while I still care about all of this, I am beginning to lose the ability to be bothered. I can’t keep doing this; I can’t care anymore. It took all of this for me to realize that if I don’t fix this with her, it will be irreparably broken. She won’t be the one burning the midnight oil, stressing about how I feel or why this happened. 

The truth is that this doesn’t concern her; she could never be bothered, and so the responsibility to act like a person was just always put on me. And it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I have to absorb everything and be the only one worried about how my actions affect other people. That’s not a friendship. That’s not how you treat other people. 

My whole life I have worked to save things that aren’t worth the time. And listen, it’s exhausting. I would love, just one time, to be paid the same respect. I would love, just once, for my concerns to be validated; for someone to turn to me and say, “I thank you for your sensitivity. I appreciate you.” Not to sound dramatic, but I won’t hold my breath for that to happen.

I just think that being good to each other, sensitive to each other’s feelings, is something uber important. And when you find that’s no longer something you can evidence in another person, maybe it’s time to pack it up and shower someone else with your concern. Because while they may have stopped caring about you, there are plenty of other people who never will.

Some people are willing to betray years of friendship for a little bit of the spotlight. –Lauren Conrad