I wasn’t one of those children because obviously, my parents
just celebrated their thirty-eighth wedding anniversary. I mostly just went for
the excused time from class and free breakfast. I never could say no to
breakfast, free or otherwise…
Anyway, from a young age, I started to notice that everyone
was divorced. I mean, everyone. It didn’t matter the couple. One, or both of
them had cheated at one point or another and the marriage just dissolved. It
was just like, normal behavior to cheat on your significant other. It was
glamorous and trendy. And friends, that trend has apparently never gone out of
style.
The idea of adultery is
like a soccer ball. Yeah, you might kick it around for awhile, but if you
actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty. –Jarod Kintz
I know this couple who has engaged in this kind of behavior
for actual years. Lies, betrayal, and illicit affairs became commonplace within
their relationship and it wasn’t long before they were both living double
lives, completely separate from each other.
The gentleman, still relatively classy despite his promiscuous
nature, had virtually incalculable women in his life. He literally couldn’t go
anywhere without bumping into someone he was at least mildly intimately
acquainted with. He was popular, so to speak, and he had a variety of
personalities to keep his women satisfied.
Similarly, with his legally bound counterpart, she was gorgeous
and well dressed. You would never even know she had children because her body
was unfairly resilient. She was charming, a free spirit, someone with a cute
sense of humor, a huge diamond engagement ring, and a boyfriend for each day of
the weekend. I guess she just figured, if he was going to do whatever he
wanted, then she would too.
Although it doesn’t seem like something that can be so
easily rationalized, maybe there is something to be said about the attention gained
in these situations. (I don’t want to geek myself out right now but I’m pretty
sure it was Carmen Electra who said that life wasn’t worth living unless there
was a camera around… You guys have seen her, right? She’s doing something right.) Perhaps the glamor
lies within the thoughtfulness and regard given to you by another person. And
after years of being hoodwinked and ignored by someone you’re legally bound to,
it’s comforting to know that you’re on the mind of someone else.
I feel like a
traitor, a phony, a fake. But I am a hypocrite with the best intentions and I
need kissing desperately. –Coco J. Ginger
But as for the cheating husband, well, besides the obvious
benefits, I think he found solace in the fact that with each new woman, he
could start fresh. He could be a new person free of whatever flaws his previous
mistress undoubtedly found out. He had a clean slate with each new (and
clearly, pretty dumb) broad.
He was, needless to say, pretty goddamn romantically challenged.
And selfish.
But is that all life is about? Getting bored with your
significant other, finding some cheap hooker to blindside and feel sorry for
you, all so you can just stay with your wife? Because at the end of the day,
she’s your favorite? Because after years of lying and cheating, you realize
that she really is your soul mate? Because despite all the kinky desired threesomes,
double lives, and promises to change, you realize that she’s the only one who
truly knows you? The only one who really, genuinely
loves you? Why not just skip a step and do something exotic, that I probably
don’t want to think about, since you’re just going to run home anyway…?
Tell me this isn’t real life. Tell me that people don’t just
cheat to gain a little mojo, a little attention, just to go back to their
spouses because inevitably, no one else understands them.
Sullen, bitter little harlots. Tartly, lying little twits.
What I don’t get though is if all you want is to be
incessantly up to your ears in stewardess’ and floozy book publishers, why, in
God’s polluted earth, are you in a serious, committed relationship? It just
seems super menacing and pointless.
All good is hard. All
evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from
easy. –Scott Alexander
I have this other friend who is in a similar situation. He’s
married, by the strictest legal definition, but he’s in this other, seemingly
sensual and supportive relationship with another woman. A woman who obviously
isn’t his wife.
He is constantly bitching and moaning about how condescending
and domineering his allegedly bitchy wife is. He claims to have only married
her because it was the next natural step. And now, she’s supposedly done so
much damage to his delicate male psyche that he’s too scared to leave, despite
how unhappy he is. And also, despite how purportedly miserable she is. I guess
it’s just easier to sneak around, send sext messages, and make up fake people
to hang out with.
So in this case, is the cheating Don Draper drunkenly
banging his young, skeazy secretary considered glamorous or a safe haven? Because
listen, there’s a pretty big difference between getting drunk after celebrating
the win of a CLIO award and pity banging a semi attractive 21 year old, and
being emotionally and mentally abused by your wife to the point of allegedly
accidental infidelity. Pretty big difference.
But regardless of the situation, regardless of the insensitive,
unthinking individuals, what is it about cheating that is so glamorous? I mean,
I’ve often heard people say things like, “Sneaking around is sexy” (Pete, 30 Rock) and “I get from my mistress
what I can’t get at home” (Paul, Analyze
This) but I still don’t get it. Why not just be single and mingle with
whatever slutty, poorly accessorized lady you want? Isn’t that just all the
more glamorous? Spending all your money on Armani suits and rare Irish whiskies
rather than on whiny, little live-ins who have a sick obsession with the
Express Portofino shirt? (Seriously though, those shirts are just perfect on my
frame. I have about eight of them. Not joking.)
Moral of the Crazy: Okay look, I don’t want to claim to know
anything about romantic relationships because the only successful one I’ve ever
had or witnessed is obviously, my current one. But the reality of it is, people
are warped. They won’t download music illegally but they’ll cheat on their
wives. They won’t eat fast food because of a possible subsequent heart attack
but they’ll endure the stupid stress of living a double life. They buy the off
brand of everything to save money but
will buy extravagant dinners and gifts for their extramarital associates.
They’re against all sorts of things because of bullshit
moral obligations, yet they so easily disregard the one person who is supposed
to mean the most to them. They want to be formidable people but they’re okay
with destroying the people they’re supposed to care about the most.
It’s not glamorous. It’s time consuming, stressful,
regrettable, and usually not worth it. Because unless they’re Eddie Cibrian,
they never leave their wives. (And if they did, why would you want to be with
them anyway? Because let’s be real: they obviously don’t put a lot of stock
into the institute of marriage.)
It only feels glamorous because you’re living outside
yourself. Engaging in inappropriate behavior that you can go home and forget
about, behavior that’s totally uncharacteristic of your normal personality. So
do yourself a solid: grow up, get over yourself, and buy yourself a Sting Ray
Corvette.
Because the only thing glamorous about all of this is how
great your ex is going to look when she walks out of the courthouse with your
alimony check…
I would prefer even
to fail with honor than win by cheating. –Sophocles
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