I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark. –Muhammad Ali

Although it’s painful for me to admit it, I’ve had moments where I’ve been so disgustingly infatuated by another person that I’ve partaken in practicing my signature with my obviously soon-to-be last name. Because clearly, after three relatively attentive dates, marriage was definitely in the air. Personally, I’m incredibly partial to at least two syllables. (Psychologists would probably say it’s because my maiden name has three, so it’s a comfort thing. And they would be right. I don’t like change. Seriously, I cry if I cut more than two inches off my hair.)

But truthfully, we’ve all been there. We meet someone handsome at the bar, bat our Dior glossed eyelashes, plan our next date and then doodle Kathleen whoever the hell on our Intro to Bio homework. We plan a classy black and white wedding in our head, equipped with a Moet toast and Bobby Darin cover band. Awesome dancing, retro Betty Draper hair, cute little drunken toasts from a best man who has known the groom for years (his face is foggy in the sequence because it’s only been one or so dates and I haven’t met the best friend yet…), and those cute longing looks couples give when they still love each other.

Listen, friends. This behavior is ludicrous but it happens. People do it all the time and sometimes those cute little dream sequences venture outside the proverbial person’s own head. And I mean, this is just speculation but that shit is crazy talk. I mean, these things don’t even work out correctly when both parties actually want to do it and plan out every little detail. (… which is why I wanted to get married in a skimpy white bathing suit on some tropical island in the middle of nowhere.)

But people do it. They move too fast despite the statistics, they cling to whatever bullshit romance they think exists, they whine until they’re blue in the face that they’re in love and that despite all the mounting practical odds, they’re going to make this joke of a relationship work. Pretty convincing stuff. Take that one to the bank.

I might be needy, competitive, and desperate but it’s far better than being wet. –Jenny E. Clair

I have this friend who is in this exact situation. I don’t know if she’s trying to fill some weird, empty void or something but her relationship is relatively dysfunctional. They met through some mutual contacts and apparently hit it off, despite all their gazillions of differences. They fell in what they thought was immediate love and planned this whole warped future together. It was all a bed of roses, minus the Hair Nation romance and Jon Bon Jovi. (The second best thing to come out of New Jersey. The first, very obviously, is Frank Sinatra.)

But things started getting tricky. Difficult. Hot tempered and irrational. (Like I totally said they would but honestly hoped they wouldn’t.) It was like this couple, who was supposed to be madly in love and planning their proverbial future, had suddenly morphed into two people who never really knew each other.

A man who once found my friend gorgeous, independent, and an individual who rose above her history, now found her shallow, disrespectful, and unfocused. The woman who he allegedly wanted to pledge his life to, the woman he claimed he wanted to start a family with, was now apparently a comatose, uneducated harlot that was seemingly only after the life he could allegedly give her financially. It was like he had never known her at all. It was like all the things he had supposedly loved about her were now reasons to ditch the cut rate trophy wife.

And similarly with my homegirl, who once found her gentleman friend kind, warm hearted and well, generally gentlemanly, now saw his true colors. He had transformed from this dream man sporting lots of attractive benefits (an expensive car, well over six foot, and more money than he knew what to do with) to a seriously spoiled infant man child with control issues and a penchant for irrationally flying off the handle for no good reason. He went from a guy who was supposed to be a caring protector, a man who knew what he wanted (and that was a future with her), to a man who judged all her previous mistakes, resorted to insulting her history when he was angry, and found it incessantly necessary to pour salt on old wounds. He became a hateful, spiteful, overly entitled brat who was out of touch with his emotions.

Infant fucking man child.

But I think that maybe the thing that I did wrong was put up with his bullshit for far too long. –The Wreckers

I know I am no one to judge, especially considering that I was engaged after only four months of knowing my husband. (However, I was also engaged for eleven months before getting married. Plenty of time to back out if needed.) But at what point are you moving too fast? What happens when you’re way too invested to back out, eleven months to spare or otherwise? What do you do when you realize that everything you thought you knew about someone else is total bullshit?

Their niceness is fabricated, their intent isn’t at all genuine, their judgment is blatantly clear, and their multiple personalities are rearing their ugly heads. So is it because they moved too quickly into something they both thought they really wanted? Or is it possible that their true colors showed themselves and perhaps, nobody liked what they saw?

Because it was hurtful, judgmental and mean. And because obviously, this relationship never meant all that much to you if you can afford to be so outwardly offensive. Love at first sight, my sweet, shapely ass.

Moral of the Crazy: Listen, if your life and everything you hold important is suffering, you might have been a bit hasty. If you never see your friends who you know perfectly well really worry and care about you, you probably moved to fast. If you’re feeling pressured to live up to ridiculously unreal expectations and you find yourself more stressed out than relaxed within your relationship, forgive me but things are probably happening too fast.

Because let me tell you something, hasty pudding: you shouldn’t have to work that hard to get someone to love you, especially someone who wants to allegedly marry and create life with you. And despite all that, you shouldn’t have to go all crazy proving yourself to someone who is supposed to love you. Because if they love you, they love you. You know what I’m saying?

Because after three months or three years, you don’t just wake up all distraught over something you think you have proof of. You don’t just decide one day that you don’t approve of the person you supposedly fell in love with. You don’t get to pick some random day in history and judge someone on a time when you didn’t even know them. You don’t get to just move swiftly into a relationship just to dump on it equally as swiftly. I don’t think it’s about being hasty or moving too quickly. I think it’s about finding love and appreciation for someone who respects you. And in that, getting to know someone well enough (and long enough) to know that they aren’t spoiled, lunatic children.

It’s just that you don’t need to know someone half of your life to know that it’s going to work out. People get together all the time after a short period of time and it lasts forever. (I can’t really think of any relationships, besides my own, off the top of my head but I also drink shitloads. I’m sure there are many documented cases.) But there are also plenty of couples that don’t.

The point is, be careful when making these rash long term decisions because some things are irreversible. Some things need careful consideration and deep thought processing (of which I am an expert…) because other people can be affected. Children. Parents. Friends. Gardeners. Bartenders, whatever.

So take a breath, have an old fashioned, and make sure you’re receiving the respect you deserve because the words of yours truly: Ain’t nobody trying to end up like Khloe Kardashian Odom.

We’re very needy people, you know.” –Alex Van Halen