When I was younger, a 105 pound waif of a third floor
apartment dweller, I noticed that a lot of people weren’t really looking at
relationships in terms of “the long haul”. And I’m not just referring this to
men, although let’s be real, they do deserve a lot of the merit. I’m talking
about me and women who are so focused on themselves and getting what they want
that they lose all sight of how to act like decent people. They forget
sometimes that other people have feelings and the likelihood of getting hurt.
People can be greedy, selfish children who only think about themselves and
their wants. It’s like people who check independent on their voter’s
registration cards. That’s not fair, friends. You can’t just have all the good
things from both aspects. Just pick a personality and stick with it! You’re
making me crazy! (… crazier?)
Sometimes people just want to have their cake and eat it
too. They want all the perks of being in a relationship like having a warm meal
every night, a person to snuggle with while they watch Mad Men, someone to vent
all their problems to, and a regular date for weddings. (That last one, in itself,
is almost worth the relationship on its own. Finding dates for that shit is
hard!) But at the same time, and maybe even to the same degree, they don’t want
the strings or responsibilities. They don’t want commitments or restraints.
They want to look forward to things that are fun and meaningless, easy like
Sunday morning. They want to be like Don Draper when he ravages Midge on his
lunch break and then goes home to Betty serving London broil in an apron.
(Personally, I’m not an enormous fan of hippie, drug addict Midge but friends,
who wouldn’t want that life? I mean,
half the reason everyone loves Hugh Hefner is because they’re marveled at how
he’s been able to maintain his “Playboy” lifestyle. Even now, at
eighty-whatever the hell!)
But does that make it right? Does that make it fair? I mean,
what about the person on the receiving end of this? What about their feelings?
How can you preserve any kind of relationship quality?
Earth provides enough
to satisfy every man’s needs but not every man’s greed. –Mahatma Gandhi
So with everyone running around doing whatever they want all
the time, listening to Bobby Darin and drinking whiskey like it’s their job (…
not a bad gig, if you ask me), wearing lavender dress shirts and charming the
pants off of anyone who catches their eye, how do you determine what’s a real relationship
and what’s just a fun little fling? How can you possibly decipher what’s just a
harmless flirtation and what’s something worth keeping?
And aside from all the greed involved in living that Tony
Soprano-esque lifestyle, how do you keep it all straight? I mean, are the
flings just people to have fun with that you don’t have to buy dinner for? Is
the fling reserved for kinky sexual fantasies that your spouse would most
certainly judge you for even mentioning? Is it that the fling can’t figure out
an Old Fashioned or who Billie Holiday is? What is it? Why do people need both?
Because I’m going to go Guido on you right now: Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Perhaps it’s because in today’s day and age, we’re all
conditioned to getting whatever we want, whenever we want. You want wedding
ideas? Go on Pinterest. You missed an episode of Bob’s Burgers? No worries, it’s
on demand. Want to listen to a personalized radio station with only the songs you
love? Ditch the blank cd’s and download the Pandora app. Want alcoholic drinks
to go? Move to New Orleans! (I HIGHLY recommend that city to anyone, by the
way. It’s the most amazing place of ever.) We are a society of individuals that
literally do not have to do anything for ourselves. Honestly, I don’t even know
why I’m going to college. If you need mental help, just DVR Dr. Phil. That man
covers every aspect of everything. In detail.
So with that mentality, you want a wife and a mistress? Why
the hell not?! They’ve got an app for just about everything now. Just link up
and pick the girl with the darkest curls and the greenest, emerald eyes. You
can so easily have it, so why not? It’s only one, measly index finger click
away, friends.
But on a serious note: I really just don’t understand. So
much so that I’ve actually purchased books on the subject. Most currently, Mad Men: On the Couch. (Yes, I’m
serious. I literally cannot wait to get my tiny, fifth grade hands on it.)
These problems with loose ends make me crazy. I know so many people affected by
this exact situation and I want to know why it happens. More accurately, I need
to. My brain can only counteract so much chaos.
He who is not
contented with what he has would not be contented with what he would like to
have. –Socrates
I have this girlfriend who exhibits this brand of romantic
chaos on the daily. She will incessantly tell me about how she wants a serious
relationship, a man to come home to, and the chance to go on romantic dates. And
also presumably, an opportunity to engage in all the wonderful things she’s
been missing. She’s through with the partying and the inevitable truth that
most boys met in bars don’t produce lasting relationships. (Except apparently
mine…) She’s tired of the late nights, growing sick of the habitual loneliness,
and craving something more stable. Something she can warm up to. A place her
heart can call home.
But not eight days into the relationship, she finds that she
no longer has any time to herself. She needs her space, a chance to breath, and
a night out with the girls. But unfortunately, it never ends up as innocent as
it starts.
Listen, things happen sometimes. People get drunk and they
act stupid. They lose all regard for the ramifications and consequences of
their terribly damaging actions. It’s not an excuse, by any means. It’s just
the way it is. Sometimes you do something that feels so good at the time and
then when you wake up in the morning feeling panicked, half dressed and
probably still drunk, you think to yourself, “What am I fucking doing here…?”
So you straighten your skirt, reapply your lipstick and promise to live life on
your absolute best behavior. For real, this time.
… Until the next time it happens.
I really think that sometimes people are just really goddamn
selfish. It isn’t that the relationship they’re in is bad, or even dissolving.
It could just be something minute that they think they can’t live without,
something they aren’t getting at home that they believe they’ve found in
another person. And after a certain point, they’ve maintained both
relationships successfully, so why should they have to give one up…?
Sort of like with my friend. She’s so determined to have
this hypothetical freedom, this undying liberty to nibble off whatever plate
she wants. But in reality, she doesn’t want to give up her boyfriend. She wants
the best of both worlds. And I guess I understand and can agree to some extent,
it makes minimal sense. But I just think that this type of lifestyle devalues
both unions. It’s like my mom used to say: Anything worth doing is worth doing
right.
Moral of the Crazy: I’m not saying that there’s anything
wrong with being a self proclaimed eternal bachelor. I’m not saying that I know
anything about relationships or that I’ve never done anything wrong. In a world
that’s accepted swingers, gay marriage (#equality), computer hackers and
daytime drinking (I’m particularly fond of that last one…), I’m not going to
pretend that I know what I’m talking about. Because friends, I don’t. (Unless
it has to do with music, serial killers, or whiskey.)
What I’m saying is that this whole “having your cake and
eating it too” is a common mentality among individuals. People want what they
can’t have and realistically, when they can have it, they’re probably too old
to use it. They want to be romanced but they want to be free to get shitfaced
with random men at eclectic bars in Tampa. They want someone to take care of
them when no one else will but they don’t want to be tied down or anchored to
something. They want to slow dance to Frank Sinatra with a man as debonair as
Don Draper, but they don’t want to commit to doing his laundry forever and
ever, as long as they both shall live.
Personally, I drink my whiskey with water and I take my men
settled. Logical. (Preferably with dark hair and eyes.) If only because my
little brain seems to lack that particular adjective. I very obviously can’t
dictate what anyone does at any given time, but I’d really prefer if I was his
only lady. Because I think after all that cooking, cleaning and who knows what
else, I think I deserve it. (Probably a good thing that the man I chose has
disgustingly outstanding moral behavior and loves Italian food.)
I just think, in this situation, you should put all your
eggs into only one basket. Because contrary to what Bobby Brown says, there IS
something wrong with spreading yourself around. (IE, STDS, inevitable “medical
expenses” and proverbial divorce proceedings.)
So take care of the one you’re with. And finish one relationship
before you jump into another one because complications cause heart disease and
premature wrinkles. And there’s never an excuse worthy enough for being greedy.
So the unwanting soul
sees what’s hidden and the ever-wanting soul sees only what it wants. –Lao Tzu
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