Have you ever had those relationships that end relatively
abruptly? And then just before you cry in your Appletini, you get up the nerve
to ask the obvious idiot who dumped you exactly what possessed him to do it?
And then, as soon as he spews out his nonsense answer, you order yourself
another (Make it a double, if you don’t mind?) and curse yourself for even
asking. For allowing yourself to indulge in self pity for even half a second
and present yourself as weak. For permitting yourself to care about that Sperry
wearing, vodka sipping, smooth talking piece of allegedly classy garbage.
Listen, the break-up isn’t really the worst of it, although
it’ll probably cost you thousands of dollars in therapy with someone who will
never fully understand. To me, what’s more annoying, more hurtful than the
impending break-up, is the reason you’re given. Sometimes people are
forthcoming about these things because they think that other people find it admirable.
I am not one of those people. You don’t need to give me a list of your tragic
faults because I picked up on them by the third time I met you. I’m observant,
a Leo, a stickler for details. (Seriously, I wouldn’t notice if you painted
your kitchen but I would notice if you reordered the spices. It’s very odd. And
genetic.)
And I’m not being nasty. I’m being honest and genuine. It’s
my grandmother in me. Don’t do me no favors. Don’t waste my time.
When I hear things like, “I’m doing this for you”, “I need
to do some damage control”, “Commitment scares me and you shouldn’t be punished”,
or “I need to walk away because it’s what’s best for you”, I get angry. But
then again, I’m not. As it goes with my standard rationale for most things, I’m
torn. At first, I think, awe, that’s sweet. He cares enough to own up to his
own obvious mental issues (I mean, come on. He’s dumping me: Miss Little in the
Middle but She Got Much Back and I’ve been cooking since I was seven.) and part
ways because it’s what is best for me.
Then I get to thinking more rationally. A) men NEVER
genuinely admit their faults and B-Z) WHEN would they ever give a shit about
someone besides themselves unless it benefitted them?
To burn with desire
and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. –Federico
Garcia Lorca
However, there are always exceptions because obviously there
is a minute amount of good people in this world. I’ve seen a fraction of
compelling, credible situations where walking away from a relationship was what
was best for the other person. Where the person being left was truly the only
one who would benefit in the long run. Because there are times in life where
you need to give other people the things you wish you had been given yourself.
Sometimes, when you’re riddled with such self doubt or other
complicating emotional problems, you know that what’s best for the person you
care about (or maybe even love) is walking away from them. That perhaps,
because you’ve assessed yourself and your problems, you softly come to the fair
and well considered conclusion that they deserve a way out. And in those
situations, making such a decision can be deemed commendable and thoughtful. A
selfless choice in which your thoughts are directed towards someone else and
their well being, rather than your own.
Part of me feels like that can be an extremely difficult but
very admirable decision to make. I mean, as cliché as it sounds, you can’t fix
a relationship until you’ve fixed yourself. I’ve often heard that the only
thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for one year is staying in a bad
relationship for one year and a day. And with that brand of very mature (in my
personal opinion) rationality, who can find fault in their decision? I mean,
does that not seem like they have the other person’s best interests at heart?
Is it possible that for whatever reason leading up to it, their view is
altered, and because of it, they can’t properly love someone? Or properly allow
themselves to be loved by someone else?
So in situations like these, where problems are processed
and a personal inventory is performed, when the break-up occurs and individuals
choose to walk away by their own accord, is it out of love and respect for the
other person? Or is the choice to move on just a way of walking away from your
own problems? A coward’s way out when things get too hot in the kitchen?
No one saves us but
ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. –Buddha
I have a very, very dear girlfriend who is in a relationship
that tends to go awry on a bit of a cyclic pattern. She loves him more than
anything and even if she hadn’t told me, it’s obvious. She’s basically partaken
in this relationship because she wants to be a part of a partnership. She felt
her love was returned, that they were headed towards a common goal. Because
basically, when things are good, they’re really, really good. He tells her what
she wants to hear until that cycle inevitably comes along. And then it’s like
he’s off the chain unstable.
When the time comes around for him to flake out, he will
mildly disappear off the face of the planet. Except for the daily instances
where she will see him at the gym and he will subsequently ignore her. And
essentially what happens is he will ignore her text messages, avoid her phone
calls and refuse to make any attempt to contact her. It’s almost as if he just
signs off from the relationship. They may have words but they don’t really
escalate or amount to any violence or other sordid craziness. It basically just
ends. Randomly and out of nowhere. One day, he just walks away.
Obviously, when the cycle ends, he comes crawling back,
begging my friend’s forgiveness and he’ll claim until he’s blue in the face
that he knows he’s undeserving of it. But still, he’ll beg her because he loves
her and only her. He just, for whatever dumbass reason, has this unreasonable
and unjustified fear of commitment. Such an allegedly enormous fear or issue of
awkward apprehension that he will delete and/or block my friend on Facebook.
… really? Are we twelve, friends? Is this an episode of
Beverly Hills: 90210 or All My Children?
I’m a slow walker but
I never walk back. –Abraham Lincoln
Moral of the Crazy: My husband and I were talking about this
a few nights ago. The relationship between my husband and I is like this: I’m a
thinker (he always says I think things to death), irrational, and I cry at
those Clydesdale Budweiser commercials. He is a doer, smokes cigars, and doesn’t
talk all that much. (But then again, I probably do enough for the both of us.) So
when we had this conversation about walking away and I rambled on, half drunk
on whiskey and in between hums of Bill Withers, he listened. He had his hands
folded on his lap, watching me as I spoke, my hands flying up in the air as I
told him about my friend.
“Well?” I asked, like I always do because he’s so quiet. “Do
you have any thoughts?”
He shrugged his shoulders and turned back to his computer
programming. “I just think that if you walk away,” he raised his eyebrows and
turned back towards me, “you’re giving up. You don’t get to just walk away
because things get tough.”
Such words from such a manly man, right? I just stared at
him and thought to myself, “Shit, he’s right.” This man of so little words just
said one of the most insightful things I’ve heard in a long, long time.
It’s okay to have problems and own up to them. It’s okay to
break things off if that’s really what’s best. But if it’s just to cover or
save yourself, or just because you no longer want to try, it could be that you
never cared enough in the first place. If it’s so easy to just brush your hands
off and move on, what did the relationship ever mean to you? If it’s just that
easy for you to walk away, what were you doing there in the first place?
Sometimes nights are long and dark and people seem very
distant and far away. I just believe that some relationships, no matter how led
astray, are worth trying for. And walking away proves nothing but an ability to
give up and let go. To start fresh by forgetting and surrendering things we
once immensely cared for.
Take care, please. And remember why you were there in the
first place.
Pursue some path,
however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence. –Henry
David Thoreau
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