All men's misfortunes spring from their hatred of being alone. -Jean de la Bruyere

There are times when thoughts of being alone keep me wakeful at night. I toss and turn, lost in frantic thoughts, very seriously worried about what would become of me if I ever ended up alone. I actually have anxiety about what would happen to me, where I would be now had I not somehow come into contact with my husband. What gutter would the cops find me laying in? Or would I instead be laying in my old twin bed with a bottle of Jameson and a crime thriller on television? A fraction of a functioning adult with a love for Irish whiskey and a very large true crime library. A lot of Dr. Phil on DVR. And also, probably a very large dog. And also... probably like 137 shades of MAC plush glass.

But seriously, being eternally alone is a frightening thought. I don't even like to envision the proverbial life I could have endured if I hadn't gotten married. Or if something would ever happen to leave me no longer married, I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like. I don't even want to, friends. It's too terrifying.

It's something common, I think, to possess that internal fear of loneliness. It can be painfully difficult to accept that there is no one to come home to, no one to make dinner for, no one to watch psychological thrillers with and no one to tell about their day. No one to shop for vintage John Coltrane records with. No one to go to weddings and Christmas parties with. No one to put lotion on your back at the beach. Look at you, all lonely, drunk and sunburned.

Sometimes I think that what everyone is really afraid of is being alone.

 

Don't go away. I don't want to be alone. I can't stand being alone. -Arnold Rothstein

Sometimes I find that those who are solely goal focused aren't too concerned about what will happen to them in the near future as long as they ascertain their desired goal. I have a touch of that in me; it's just that I want an adorable lumberjack to share it with.

Those goal oriented people are admirable with their unwavering commitment to succeed but once they've gotten where they want to be, what happens to them? In their thirties joining Plenty of Fish? I don't like it. And sometimes I think, at least for me, the more successful you become, the bigger a threat you are. It could just be me because I tend to be insecure about such things. But as a person who truly values education, a person who wants to go all the way, I group these people into two categories.

It sounds critical but some of them are a bit over zealous with their confidence. It's like you should be thankful to be breathing the same air, let alone be talking to them. And it could be that inherited hippie mindset but that sort of brazen behavior annoys me. I don't like feeling like I'm a lower caliber individual.

The other half of the spectrum, the more humble end, makes me jealous. I wish I had their education and place in society. Which is probably why a lot of them end up alone. Or married to a gold digger . It's scary to think that in these cases, the more you strive to better yourself, the more likely you are to end up alone. Because people are scared to surround themselves with people who are better then them. Makes them feel bad about themselves.

 

Being alone is very difficult. -Yoko Ono

I have just such a friend. He's very handsome and educated, commonly uses big words and actually knows what they mean. He's debonair, a new brand of JFK Jr., who I imagine is one of those stylish wine and diners. But he has a hard time meeting good, salubrious people. They either find him over confident and pompous or a threat because he's successful. Sure, he could probably be mildly satisfied by an attractive gold digger but where's the value in that? What about true love and soul mates and witty banter from someone who's not pretty for a living? Such women do exist. And truthfully, I feel for him because I know what he wants and how much he has to give.

Nobody wants to be lonely. Nobody wants to be alone.

But friends, what's the genuine ailment here? The fear of being alone forever? I mean, is it really the fear of alleged loneliness or the fear of being unlovable? The worry that we may never know what true love means without a loving individual to share our lives with? An anxiety over a lack of passion in our lives? No trustworthy person in which to share our deepest secrets, our darkest fears?

And with this, our nights grow long and cold. We become bitter and weary with habitual quiet loneliness. We have no one to turn to in times of trial, no seed to sow, and no one to share our intimacy with.

And then what...?

It's true that there are online chat rooms designed to alleviate being alone. There are books and bars and movies to pass the time. You can engage yourself in time consuming hobbies or immerse yourself in working out but at the end of the day, it will still be there. You're alone. And sometimes, no amount of Marvin Gaye and triple distilled Irish whiskey can take away that feeling. No amount of meaningless relations can cure it because when they're gone, you've only alcohol soaked memories and an angry hangover to keep you company.

Moral of the Crazy: I was discussing this with a dear, surprisingly intelligent friend of mine. I said to him, "Loneliness can be scary. I never want to end up alone." He said, "Kate, happiness is fleeting (much like beauty, all you proverbial gold diggers!!). And I can find joy in the places I've traveled and the interesting people I've met. If you fill your life with happy memories, sharing your life with someone is something to look forward to with excitement. Not long for with angst."

"That's interesting," I replied in my typical bitter sarcasm, "but you do realize that every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk..."

I guess he has a point in the sense that being part of a couple doesn't automatically produce happiness. Engaging in the things that bring bliss and comfort to your life ought to be satisfying enough. I mean, you can obviously achieve a life of merriment without love and devotion. I mean, hello. Eva Longoria?! Bilingual. Brunette. Billionaire. Who needs a man?

But some of us do want a man. We don't need them to validate our existence but we want them. To be personal, I want to be taken care of. I want to be left rapt. I want to be taken to dinner and stare over my whiskey at a brown eyed man. I want to be called pet names and I want someone to coddle me when I slip in the rain and scrape my stupid knee. I want a man who's old fashioned, who opens my door and pulls out my chair. I want to living room dance to Miles Davis and Earth, Wind and Fire and cuddle with someone besides my dog at night. And most importantly, someone who can talk to my mechanic because I always leave crying.

And I want all of the things that go along with it. I don't want to be alone. And lucky for me, I have my lumberjack.

Being alone can feel unnerving, but maybe the actuality of it is that we're never really alone. Filling your life with things that satisfy you, things that bring you happiness, can make all those daunting feelings of loneliness gradually dissipate. Maybe it's not who we share our heart with but rather the quality in which we live that makes it all worth while.

Silence can be deafening and life can be marvelous. If only we do the things that we so cherish. Like my home girl always say, "Live the life you love."

Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. -Paul Tillich

The Crazy version of Dear Abby:

Need advice on something vital or love induced? Have some gossip that you desperately need to share? Want to swap idiot boyfriend stories?

Share your stories with me at: katemeyer@verizon.net with the subject line Crazy Face and be anonymously featured in my blog!