Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody. -Stephen Chbosky

I have often heard people say that nothing changes. Old habits die hard. People don't change. A leopard never changes its spots. Walmart never stocks the chocolaty strawberry Special K I'm obsessed with. I get it, and sometimes I even believe it to be true. Because honestly, more often than not, people really don't change. Sometimes it isn't for a lack of trying.

You know what psychologists say: If you do something for thirty consecutive days, it becomes a habit. Habits can turn addictive and they're hard to break. And with odds like that, why even bother, right? With an excuse like, "Well, I've been doing it for the last month... it's just a habit now," what pushes us to do better? What can be life changing and convincing enough to get us over that proverbial habitual hump?

But then there's the other part of me. The free spirited, always look for the good in people part of myself (which, quite frankly, is the part that's way more enjoyable to be around than the bitter, sarcastic lush...) who believes that maybe people can change. If only we let them. Like my homeboy Snoop Dogg once said, "I can change. Just gimme the room..." Maybe it just takes the love of the right woman (or man) to make someone actually want to change. Maybe it's that they haven't found the person worth changing for, their reason to be better people. To push them to be the well adjusted adult I strive to be everyday.

But aside from that whole debate, what's really curious to me is this: Hypothetically speaking, if you really unconditionally love someone, why would you ever want them to change? Did you fall in love with the person they are or the person you want them to be? Because if it's the latter, why would you even be with them in the first place? (I know. Touche, right?)

 

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby: awkwardly and often with a great deal of mess. -Lemony Snicket

Back in my younger days, I had this girlfriend who would just endlessly rag on her boyfriend. (And don't get me wrong. Let me preface while saying that he TOTALLY deserved it.) They were together for something around five years and were one of those couples who seemed absolutely perfect together, and yet they fought every single day. About everything. And I'm not talking about all those little bickering arguments where sarcastic quips are exchanged. I'm talking about knock down, drag out fights where they got in each other's faces and would change their relationship status on MySpace.

We're talking daily, absolutely insane fights about money, working out, the baseball team he played for, his friends, her friends, under twenty-one drinking parties and his semi-prevalent cheating habits. Their most damaging was when he cheated on my friend with, in his exact words, a "fat girl who had a limp", which he admitted to her when they got back together. Okay A) what idiot would freely admit to that and B) I failed to mention that my friend is absolutely stunning. Just gorgeous. Not to mention, incredibly smart, sweet and talented.

I remember when her and I would hang out, she would be virtually exasperated, rattling off all the things that were wrong with him. (And if you ask me, there were genuinely a lot. And I'm being really generous, friends. Reeeeally generous.) She would literally be on the verge of breaking up with him because of all these things, she swore to me. And I would shrug and say, "just dump him then," because obviously I didn't care. I thought he was a loser who treated her like some kind of doormat piece of garbage. When I said my nightly prayers, I would actually beg for her to dump him because she deserved so much better.

And she was a smart girl who already knew full well that she deserved better. But she would still say to me, "I love him, Kate. I don't want to break up with him. I want him to change. For me."

And don't misunderstand this because my homegirl wasn't being selfish here. The quick back story is that he was primarily sweet and loving in high school. He was an allegedly perfect boyfriend. But in college, she excelled incredibly and he just didn't. He turned into this mildly alcoholic loser who was a closet fucking asshole. He wasn't totally terrible but the truth is, he just didn't respect her. He treated her like this decaying piece of trash.

She didn't want him to change, per say. She just wanted him to go back to the way he was before. When he still treated her like a person and not just a person, a grown woman who he is supposed to be taking care of.

 

We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers, but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault. Because if you wanted to change, you're the one who has got to change. -Katharine Hepburn

I just remember thinking to myself: this idiot is the guy you love. The sweet boy from high school is long gone. The way he is now is probably the way he will always be. He isn't going to change and even if he does, it won't be permanent. He can't change for you. He has to change for himself. And he will always resent you (or anyone who tries to change him) for demanding such stipulations. No matter how much you may have deserved it.

And then again, that soft hearted, free spirited version of myself would say, "Why should he have to change?" I mean, maybe not this situation in particular but hypothetically speaking, wouldn't you want someone who is already that person you want them to be? Why would you want to invest in someone who doesn't meet your criteria, someone who you're so adamant about changing? Truly, how is that fair to either one of you? Isn't it just easier to find someone, to fall in love with someone, you didn't have to change? And that being said, why would you want them to change if you love them?

I mean, is it also conceivable that maybe people come into relationships with dirty histories and are still able to change? Possess the ability to go forward and be better? Because I will be brutally honest with you, friends. I am just a perfect example of the above few sentences. I came into my current relationship with just an ungodly amount of contaminating baggage. I walked into my husband's three bedroom bachelor pad a whiny, neurotic, insecure battered woman. I will tell you, I dropped that baggage on him like it was a suit case in his living room. And he saw something in me, something he loved, something worth putting up with all the crazy for.

But the point here is, I've changed. For myself and for any sort of proverbial future I might have. I was a five foot two inch train wreck and despite all my problems and issues with men (and people in general), I knew who I wanted to be. I knew what I wanted. And quite frankly, I'm still changing. I'm an incessant work in progress. But I've changed because I'm disciplined and I care about my life. My self worth.

One of my favorite phrases in the English language is: Let us start with a clean slate. A fresh, clean black chalkboard in which we, as flawed human beings, can start anew. What a lovely, refreshing, rehabilitating thought.

Moral of the Crazy: This kind of reminds me of that movie with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfieffer (who is gorgeous, by the way) where a married couple is trying to salvage their marriage. There is one scene where Rita Wilson and Rob Reiner, who are married friends of the couple, are trying to console Bruce Willis throughout his crumbling marriage. "People change," they say to him in reference to how Michelle Pfeiffer's character (oddly named Katie) has morphed from the woman he fell in love with into a tightly wrapped, frigid version of her crazy mother.

And then the screen pans over to Michelle Pfeiffer talking to the same couple in a different restaurant about Bruce Willis. "People don't change," they say to her in regards to the fact that Bruce Willis never seemed to grow up, to grow with her within their marriage. He's the same charmingly immature writer who threw paperclips at her when she worked as his temp secretary.

Sometimes I really believe that people are stubborn, that people don't change. And on the rarity that they do change for the sake of someone else or whatever, it's almost never permanent.

However.

Life is not a black hole. It's my personal opinion that people can change. But it's not something that can be taken lightly because it's not easy. Sometimes it takes a life altering event to shock people enough to change them. Sometimes people can just wake up and decide that they aren't happy with themselves. That they want to change their lives.

I feel very scattered on this particular topic because people aren't black and white. This entire planet is filled with different objectives and different shades of gray. Some people change. Some people can't. And there's sometimes when I think that people shouldn't have to change. There are certain situations where I feel that if your mate can tick off problems with you that rank up there in the double digits...? I mean, forgive me but maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe you don't need to change your personality traits or behaviors. Maybe you need to change your significant other.

So if you know you need to change, listen, you're given a new chance to do that everyday. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge but as adults, it's something we need to take charge of on our own. Like Sam Cooke said, "Change is gonna come," and sometimes you just need the confidence and the space to do so.

 

And that's how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time. -Libba Bray