Promiscuity is like never reading past the first page. Monogamy is like reading the same book over and over. -Mason Cooley

Lately it seems as though our world centers around very few things. Reality television. Pinterest. Finger tattoos and knuckle rings. Expensive gas and Iphones. Open relationships and casual sex. Cheating and friends with benefits have come to be an alluring epidemic, threatening to take over the world. Random sex without feeling appears to have infiltrated physical, emotional love. Intimacy initiated purely by love seems to have fallen to the wayside with paying your bills by mail and those ridiculous plastic butterfly clips we all wore in middle school.

What thrives in today's world is being casual, sex without strings, and somehow or another, the insane amount of Kardashian fame that has come to exist. There are sex offers on Craig's List, something called "couch surfing" and dating apps on your phone. Nowadays, you don't even need two people to make a baby. You can just adopt one from an unfortunate country. Why not, right? Sandra Bullock did when Jesse James revealed his true self just days after she earned that Oscar. I mean, really, what's next? With situations like these, why bother with something solid like a relationship built on love?

All of these odd shifts in society got me to thinking because let's be real: Sex is always going to be popular. Just look at history! The oldest occupation in the world is prostitution. One would think it would be something like a doctor or a politician. Or even something in religion or the military since wars have been waged over religion since, oh, I don't know, nineteen always. But no, it's prostitution. Because sex sells. Because people want pleasure without attachment. Because it's so much easier, so much more liberating to eat your cake and not have to wait around long enough to wash the icing off the dishes. It's seemingly just human nature and it keeps future social workers like me in business in some cases.

So thank you in advance, careless sex havers and terrible parental examples, for providing me with job security.

But I guess the real question here centers around the act deemed the "booty call". Single or not, are they acceptable? Is the limited amount of pleasure worth it? If you're single, how do you prevent getting attached? If you're in a relationship, why can't you just get said sexual felicity from your significant other...? (Although I suppose if that was an easy question to answer, no one would cheat, would they? And this is why I should have a Master's Degree.) So here it is, friends: Are booty calls naughty or necessary?


Sex without love is a meaningless experience but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good. -Woody Allen
I've been single before. Many times, actually. I get how it works. I fully understand the feelings of loneliness that can occur when you're not surrounded by the actions of people, school or work. Sometimes things slow down and you come home to a quiet house full of material things that don't offer any comfort. Electronics, clothes, shoes and expensive furniture that mean nothing to you when there's no one to share them with. They just stare back at you, all new and paisley printed.

But physical contact alleviates all of that. The act of being touched and physically comforted can do enormous things for your soul. I'm not talking relationships or marriage proposals. I'm talking about skin to skin contact, feelings that can only be achieved through physical, sometimes sensual, touching. Caressing. A collision of warm embrace.

(Just talking about it makes me feel all warm and tingly. Are you guys feeling that or is it just me...? I mean, Italians are a passionate people, so perhaps it's just me. Anyway.)

Did you know that one of the hormones produced by humans and other mammals, oxytocin, is actually affected by touching? When you hug or kiss someone, your oxytocin levels spike up. It actually has an enormous effect on pair bonding and allegedly, love. Just touching someone can physically and hormonally change how you feel about them. So where does that leave booty calls?

The embrace without the complication must be a comfort in some ways to the proverbial singleton. But then what happens when you wake up alone? Your physical needs have been hopefully thoroughly satisfied but what of your emotional ones? Just because sex and love are separate doesn't mean that there aren't some emotions involved. So what, you sit alone at your breakfast nook and cling to your pride and emotions as easily as you clutch a coffee mug? Is sex such a strong need that booty calls have become necessity? And how does it affect those outside the singledom realm?


Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. -John Barrymore
I mean, if it's just to fill some selfish void, to satisfy some sexual need and you're in a semi solid relationship, can't you just employ your partner for such a request? Isn't that what being in a relationship is all about? Exploring deviant sexual desires together? Using and consuming each others bodies for physical release? Engaging in perverse sexual refreshments for your own enjoyment? And as such, trusting each other enough to embark on such a journey together?

I have heard people claim that more adventurous sexual activities require someone outside of the relationship. It's almost as if the more the inappropriate, the less likely to seek solace from your partner. The booty call that exists within relationships acts as a sort of sexual buffer, allowing both (or in some cases, just one) parties to gain sexual satisfaction. Maybe it's because their partner is unable or unwilling to provide it. Or maybe it's because some individuals are too ashamed to ask. So they seek such desires outside of the relationship.

It kind of makes me think of Analyze This when Billy Crystal says to Robert DeNiro, "Why can't you just ask your wife to do those things?" and Robert DeNiro says, "What, with the lips she kisses my kids goodnight with?!" I mean, I guess that's a mildly valid point but then again, why did you marry her? I feel like those wild sexual ventures should be reserved only for your spouse. Because they're married to you. They have to spend the night. They have to love you no matter what kind of kinky shit you're into.

Again, just me?

Moral of the Crazy: Booty calls may work and they may not. I can't possibly know this. But I do know that there are certainly risks involved. I know that being physically connected to someone can (and does) eventually lead to an accidental attachment. I know that booty calls existing outside of a relationship are an infidelity, an act of treason against a partner. A lack of compassion and respect. Buy some satin restraints, crank up the Madame Butterfly and spice that shit up. Don't ruin your relationship because of a lack of excitement. Be honest with your partner about your deviant sexual needs because it can turn out to be a warm, romantic and delicious bonding experience.

If you're single, I don't really believe booty calls are necessarily a crime. I just think things can get tricky when one person is in it purely for sexual satisfaction and the other has an overactive oxytocin level. One is all about getting their rocks off and the other is pinning wedding ideas to their proverbial Ever After board on Pintrest. One is booking shoddy motels in the middle of goddamn nowhere but unwilling to pay the $67 and the other is wondering why he didn't notice the raunchy lingerie she picked out.

I suppose if both people are able to keep said booty call devoid of emotion, and completely devoid of emotion, then maybe, MAYBE it will work.

Maybe.

I mean, I guess it just depends on your own thoughts and desires, your own needs and views on self preservation. I'll be honest with you, I don't believe in that peace at any price lifestyle. As a behavioral science major, I one hundred percent agree that sex and love are separate. I also believe that sex and attachment are not.

I also believe that intimacy is something that you earn. Sure, you can just go to Chili's or a local tavern and find someone just handsome enough to sleep with, no strings attached (I've always favored brown eyed boys myself.) but it's meaningless. Not to mention, God only knows what kind of diseased miscreants are wandering around Tarpon Springs. I mean, really, drug addicts, serial killers, rapists, child predators. These people exist, friends. And drunken mistakes are never fun to relive...

I just think that the amount of self confidence it takes to open yourself up to another person physically and emotionally is extraordinary. It's a difficult and sometimes taxing thing and listen to me, I am not old fashioned in the relationship and romantic sense. But I think there is something to be said for meaningful physical love. There is also something very comforting about having those strings attached. It's encouraging to know there's someone on the other end supporting you.


Fish in another man's pond and you will catch crabs. -Habeeb Akande