If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine. -P.G. Woodhouse

Prior to turning twenty-one and quickly learning that being of legal drinking age opens you up to a whole new brand of allegedly grown up men, I was very casually seeing this boy. And I use the term "boy" very earnestly because he still lived at home and was inexplicably pampered by his mother. Like to the point that I was almost embarrassed for him. I mean, don't get me wrong: Respecting your mother is almost always the way to go but remaining in her home and letting her do your laundry, cook and clean for you is a whole other thing. And meanwhile, you're in your twenties, have a killer job, and bang girls in your bedroom with Usher on so your mother can't hear you. That brings a whole new meaning to the term "overgrown manchild".

But the thing about this boy (let's call him "Blake", just for argument's sake) was his inexplicable selfish tendencies. He virtually has everything handed to him and yet, he still demanded more. More money, more booze, more girls, more sex, more attention. More of everything. He was like this colossal spoiled brat, whining and throwing fits when he didn't get his way. As I'm sure you can already guess, this fling , if you can even call it that, didn't last for very long. He very obviously annoyed the absolute shit out of me.

Because I'm the only queen around here. There's only room for one diva around here and clearly, I'm it.

This man and many others like him got me to thinking because I feel selfishness is a trait so commonly found in men. Now, it obviously isn't all of them, let's be fair. But it has to be said that there is a mammoth amount of males who lack that tendency to be saccharine and selfless. Those aforementioned, hypothetical men are self-centered, egotistical and greedy.

They're so wrapped up in their own lives, virtually a country unto themselves, that there can't possibly be any room for anyone else. I mean, if these men should somehow wind up in a relationship (And let's be honest. It's inevitable.), it can't really be fair, can it? If the lady is left to succumb to this man's every beck and call, it can't be all that enjoyable for her. How can she be doted on like a princess (or Beyonce) when she's incessantly being forced to cater to King Henry VIII? (Too much? It's the most demanding historical figure I could come up with...)

Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either. -Erich Fromm

Sometimes I truly believe that with such selfishness comes an enormity of insecurity. To be constantly needing and wanting things, better things, I can't help but wonder if it's in an effort to better oneself. Perhaps it's not being selfish but more of a narcissist on an endless journey to self-improvement.

I can't lie, as much as men can be big, dumb idiots, the low self worth issue has crossed my mind. There are just other times when I have a hard time believing that's the case. Or, at least that it's always the case.

However, a male friend and I were discussing this the other night and he offered up some really captivating insight. The good thing about my friends, especially the male ones, is they have a really good way of bringing me back down to earth, suggesting things that ordinarily would never have crossed my mind. Those are the pieces of life that I love to absorb. Those thought provoking pushes that insist me to be more open minded. To think outside of the crazy.

"The thing about male selfishness," he spoke maturely, like a therapist, "is that they aren't really selfish, necessarily. But given their gender predisposition, they have roles to uphold." He suggested that where women feel accomplished with things like relationships, friendships, marriage and motherhood, men feel the same sense of accomplishment with sports, manual work, and career goals. Somehow, when he said that, a lot of things made sense.

Sure, women have goals too. But they're better equipped for reaching them while still being CEO's of their household. They have a natural fulfillment with different things than men. Maybe some men aren't selfish but having a relationship or pleasing a lady are last on their list of priorities. This, however, could be viewed as selfish by a woman who wants to settle down. She may not realize his alleged selfishness has nothing to do with her. This man has his own goal that he wants to accomplish, a better place that he wants to be. He's not selfish. He's determined.

Gender Roles: That's Psych: 101. Who would have thought I would actually get use out of my core classes?

Intensely selfish people are often very decided in what they wish. They do not waste their energies in considering the good in others. -Ouida

But I had a relatively decent rebuttal! (It's the Italian in me.) There are some men out there who are inherently selfish. Some of which, without any intentions to ever accomplish anything. These men, the Blakes of the world, are just selfish, worthless beings. (I thought I made a pretty good point. But he's a lot more intelligent and a lot less crazy than I am...)

Perhaps, to an extent, I was right. But "there is always something to accomplish," he reminded me, "even if it's sinister or carnal in nature." By this logic, things like cheating, being a terminal and ever arrogant bachelor, and only looking out for oneself, like something vaguely reminiscent of Dr. Christian Troy, can be viewed as simply attaining accomplishments. Setting goals, no matter how self centered and solely focused they may be, and reaching them. My friend, as it usually turns out, has a pretty sterling point.

Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. -Stephen Kendrick

It's just that I feel that selfish behavior and the prospect of accomplishing goals aren't always so black and white. I mean, there are men out there who attain their set goals and still manage to be selfless. These men don't have a single selfish bone in their body. The married ones make a habit of putting their wives (and children, if they have any) first. The non-marrieds may just be genuinely selfless in every aspect of their lives. I just find that I know a lot of men who are innately generous, chivalrous individuals. People like my husband, my brother in law and father in law. The male friend who helped me write this blog and Bill Compton. There are men out there who are not selfish, friends. Sometimes, they're just really hard to find.

Moral of the Crazy: Perhaps I'm biased for two very justifiable reasons. The first being that I know too many men who have engaged in such selfish behavior. I have been involved with men so disgustingly selfish that half of the time, it's like I wasn't even in the room with them. Men so utterly egotistical that they paraded around like they were Elvis or Johnny Cash, on an endless mission for self validation and recognition from other people. I'd sit across from these self indulgent men who would mumble things like, "It's a crime to look this good," and "Yes, I know I'm great but truly, I'm just so riddled with self doubt..." And I would make this horribly skeptical face and think to myself: ... are these idiots serious?

They never asked me about my day or what I was thinking because they didn't care. Boyfriend or not, they were only concerned about themselves. The only time I was ever of any concern to them is when they asked themselves what I could do for them. What purpose did I serve them? What color panties was I wearing under that dress...?

The second reason is my sweet, ever selfless husband. That man has made it his life's work to plan everything around me. There isn't one single choice he's made without stopping to ask himself how it would effect me. When we argue, he'll squint his big, brown eyes and ask me, "Kate, why are you upset? I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from." When we have parties and there's literally forty people in my house, he'll take a break from his friends, come over to me, tap the ghetto booty, kiss my forehead and whisper, "You alright?" in my ear. He'll check on my drink, make sure I'm straight and then go back to whatever it was he was doing.

He gets me gas because I don't like smelling like a gas station after I just spritzed myself with Burberry. He brings me coffee in bed and cleans up after himself when he cuts his hair in the bathroom. He always lets me pick the music (because obviously...) and even took off work to go to orientation with me because I want an extra set of ears. (Because as we all know, I have the attention span of a three old with ADHD.)

And friends, it's not about spoiling your girlfriend or your wife. It's about putting them first and considering someone besides yourself. It's about being selfless and keeping those ladies in mind while still simultaneously reaching those many goals. (After all, Michael Jordan, Drew Brees, Ice T, and Johnny Cash all had/have wives throughout their monstrous careers. It's called multi-tasking, people.)

And ladies, if your man is visibly working toward a certain goal, cut him some slack. Let him be the man he needs to be for you. As long as he maintains loving you the way he ought to be, he isn't selfish. He is unwavering in the personal goals that he's set for himself. And that's an endearing quality that can't be found in just anyone.

So don't be selfish. Put others first and prioritize what's really important. Let the ones you care about see it by the things you do. And let the selfish ones stay at home with their mom. It reminds me of what Little Walter says to Geneva in Cadillac Records: "I see you running around here taking care of everybody," he slurs drunkenly but genuinely, "but who takes care of Geneva...?"

.... so who's taking care of you?

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. -Oscar Wilde

The Crazy version of Dear Abby:

Need advice on something vital or love induced? Have some gossip that you desperately need to share? Want to swap idiot boyfriend stories?

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