If I follow the inclination of my nature, it is this: beggar woman and single, far rather than queen and married. -Elizabeth Tudor I
But what about those people who don't just jump right off the Singles Boat? Those individuals who remain single (as in not married or in a relationship), by choice or otherwise, seem to somehow inherit this label. For those of us seemingly happily marrieds, we look down on and pity them, as if there were something wrong with them. "Oh, poor Bridget," we mumble amongst ourselves in our safe married home, "I wonder if she'll ever find a nice guy... if she'll ever be happy. I just want her to be happy," we purr over steamed broccoli and some bullshit Frito casserole, as if we're better than them.
But here's my thing, friends: It isn't just the alleged non-marrieds that we feel sorry for. Somehow the men, they're solid and safe from said judgement. They can't cook or clean or make their own doctor's appointments but they're men. They can handle it. In fact, not being married somehow makes them even better, more pensive and mysterious. But the women? I mean, there's quite clearly something wrong with them. They're just bitter, soulless spinsters eating all the Chubby Hubby (I've been on a diet everyday since I was 17. Do they still even make Chubby Hubby...?) and adopting all the cats. For God's sake, grant these women some clemency!
He is a young man with a future of power and opportunity and we are young women destined to be either wives or mothers at the very best, or spinster parasites at the worst. -Philippa Gregory
I don't understand the logic behind this because as far as I can tell, the majority of men can't do anything for themselves. It obviously isn't all of them but my husband doesn't even know where the Chip Clips are. (And I, in turn, don't know how to turn on the grill. I seriously wouldn't even know where to begin, which is just gravy because South Africans DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow their wives to grill.) But let's be real here: most men are innately worthless and yet their lack of marriage and spouse somehow makes them admirable. They are praised as these humble, handsome beings: the proverbial, terminally eligible bachelor. Like they're some mythical creature from the Never Ending Story.
And what's that anyway? The eligible thrown so haphazardly in front of bachelor? Eligible for what, parole? Eligible to wind up naked on their bean bag, naked eating Cheetos and watching Ab Rocker infomercials because they don't have a woman to take care of them? I just don't understand how this is acceptable. I don't quite understand how "bachelors" (I wish you could hear how exaggerated and sarcastic I'm saying this in my head...) are worthy of all this glory while single, self sufficient and independent women (and this I'm saying like Leslie Mann in The 40 Year Old Virgin: "I'm a WO-MAN!") get the shaft and are immediately labeled "spinsters".
I once knew a man. He was tall, dark and just handsome enough to know it. He had these sad, puppy dog eyes that gave off the illusion he was trouble and genuine when he spoke about his feelings. (That in itself is truly laughable.) But one of his more endearing qualities was that he actually took relatively good care of himself, despite the fact that he didn't own a complete set of flatware. (Seriously, what grown man owns just one of everything? I'm sorry but that's just stupid. And poor planning although, perhaps it was part of his gimmick. It added to his "heartbroken bachelor" allure. Hey ladies, check me out: I only have one spoon...)
Anyway, this man was your average eligible bachelor: All the idiot ladies wanted him but he just couldn't do that to them. He was damaged, heartbroken and wouldn't be good for anyone. He would incessantly flash me his left hand with a perfect crooked grin that was equal parts sorrow and sarcasm. He'd point to his ring finger, so blatantly naked with the absence of a binding wedding band. "I've opted out," he'd mumble drunkenly, as if he'd done the twenty year old me some kind of favor.
Want to hear the most hysterical thing? He got married almost immediately after I did. Somebody really reputable must have mended his poor, alcohol soaked heart. I almost feel sorry for her.
Better to die an old maid than marry the wrong man. -Billy Sunday
So this aforementioned man, this ever attractive and seemingly doleful bachelor reaps the benefits of being decidedly unmarriable for whatever reason, while his female counterparts earn no such pardon. For women, being single is like a rabid disease. The marrieds never want to linger too long or they just might catch it! And what's crazy is that it doesn't matter how successful, beautiful or self sufficient this hypothetical woman might be. Surely there must be a reason why she hasn't been snatched up and converted into a baby farm. I mean, what is she, 31 now? Bye bye, house in the Hamptons! Hello, Spinsterhood!
Have you ever heard that statistic: Women over 35 are more likely to get attacked by a terrorist than get married? I mean, really? These are facts? These are my choices? Attacked by an erratic band of underground extremists or spend my life alone? Seriously, who did this study?
I have this girlfriend that I have been best friends with for practically my whole life. She's gorgeous, educated and can hold her liquor (three very important qualities in my opinion). She's been single for a while and goes on only semi-frequent dates because of her hectic schedule. She's under 35 and not really all that worried about finding a man because getting impregnated by an overgrown man child wouldn't exactly validate her existence. Her life is rewarding and full of blessings. She's satisfied with her life and while she's not totally ruling out a relationship, she's not running around searching for it either.
And yet...
My mother asks me about her every single time we speak. "Has she found a nice man?" she'll ask me, "Because she's such a beautiful person and I want her to be happy..." As if the only way to make that happen is with a man that you obviously have to wait on hand and foot. (Seriously, who needs children, right? Just live with a man. That will satisfy your nurturing tendencies.) And don't misunderstand because my mother is a very genuine, heart heavy person. She very honestly worries about everyone, even people she hardly knows. She takes on everyone's worries as if they were her own. So whenever she inquires about my friend, it isn't out of my pity. It's out of unadulterated concern. But still, why is this something to be worried about? What about my hundreds of single male friends? They make it under the German mom radar inexplicably unprotected.
Moral of the Crazy: Friends, we may never know all the answers. We will probably never know why human nature has evolved in the way that it has, why it's easier for men to lose weight or why Amanda Bynes decided to parachute off the sanity plane but I know some things for certain. Enigmatically, men just get better with age. Being forever single just somehow adds to their charm and makes them all the more dapper. (Think: George Clooney, Gerard Butler, and the newly single Dylan McDermott.) Being a "bachelor" seems to add to their allure. Perhaps it makes them more approachable, with women incessantly wanting to take care of them and harvest their Scotch soaked broken heart for just the right picking. And some of those men, let me tell you, they milk that lonely bachelor thing like an Amish farmer on a dairy farm. I mean, hello. Have you seen that perfect, close lipped smirk that George Clooney makes?! That handsome, Clark Gable looking son of a bitch is a professional lady killer!
Another thing I know for certain is that you can't beat stereotypes. It doesn't matter how insanely happy you are or if you can rock a bikini like LeAnn Rimes (or Brandi Glanville... I have a new found appreciation for her), if you're a single woman over 22, you're immediately labeled. There's obviously something wrong with you.
Do you remember all that nonsense that was plastered all over every two bit gossip magazine when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston got divorced? They were trying to make her the bad guy, despite Brad and Angelina Jolie's very public affair. She was quoted saying, "I'll sleep when I'm 80!" The media blew up because it was so unacceptable for this woman to want a successful career. It was almost okay for Brad to cheat. It was acceptable because allegedly she wanted a career more than a baby.
Forgive me, but is that a sick joke? You're going to demonize Jennifer Aniston, America's Greek sweetheart, the original wearer of the "Rachel" cut, the woman with the best casual attire that can also rock a black dress better than anyone? And you're going to victimize Brad Pitt? The poor, little, now eligible bachelor who has been on the cover of People Magazine's: Sexiest Man Alive edition like, 37 times? Even though he cheated on his gorgeous wife?!
NO.
As ladies, we need to live up to so many standards while still rocking a size zero and wedges. I don't think there's anything wrong with being single and confident, because you chose to be or otherwise. I do think, in these situations, women definitely get the short end of the stick.
But the truth is that women really have the power. Because no matter what anyone says, all that men really want is to be taken care of by a woman.
So get married or don't. Because either way, you look fabulous in those Blahniks.
Without a doubt, the worst part of being a single woman was having to take care of your own car. -Lisa Kleypas
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