And by far, the most important and life altering question of all: Is staying together for the well being of your children a good or bad thing? All these questions combined with my recent admittance into the School of Social Work drove me to perform some research of my own. For my history, my friends and my sanity, I needed a well rounded, well developed answer.
Mom hates Dad, Dad hates Mom. It all makes you feel so sad. -Kurt Cobain
Once upon a time, I knew this little girl. She looked like a dainty little Indian princess with her lush black locks and dark eyes. She was smart, spirited and spunky. She wasn't afraid of anything and I remember that I was always envious of the way her parents doted on her. They were like this perfect little unit, with her forever on the pedestal.
And then one day, all of it seemed to change. The alleged perfection suddenly seemed to melt away. This little girl's dad, whom she seemed to favor, had met someone else. He was moving away and leaving the family, leaving her, forever. While that wasn't exactly the case, from a seven year old's perspective, this was the end of the world. Her dad was presumably done with this life and was moving on to the next. No matter how often and genuinely her parents consoled her and reassured her that it would all be fine, that nothing would change for her, she remained unwavering and disappointed. She was sad and it didn't matter what the details were. The fact remained that her dad was leaving them. Leaving her.
But because this little girl was so strong, Daddy and Mommy's little tough cookie, she kept her chin up because she would be seeing her daddy Christmas morning. He had promised.
But he never showed.
She woke up early that morning and rushed downstairs to a window that framed a snow blanketed front yard. She waited patiently, perking up to greet every passing car. But he never showed.
Instead, he left an incalculable amount of gifts on the doorstep, in hopes to appease his heart broken daughter. Looking back on it with some years and psychology classes behind me, I honestly think he was too afraid to face her. Maybe too unwilling to own up to what he did or witness the pain that he was partially responsible for. But that was a long time ago and I'm sure that little girl is a well adjusted adult by now.
But still, I wonder. Did she ever forgive him? Did she even remember? Was she irrevocably damaged by the trauma of that snowy Christmas morning, when she stood shivering and alone behind a tower of presents? Were her adult relationships with men equally as taxing as the one she tried to cling to with her father? Did she ever marry? Or divorce? Did she have kids of her own? And did she subject them to the same passive torment?
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce. -Miquel de Cervantes Saavedra
So what's the safest, most positively affective decision for the children? Is it best to just stick it out, go to therapy and make the marriage work? Or is it better for everyone if the marriage breaks up and resolves into two divorced but civil and functioning parents? To be honest, being the painfully open minded person that I am, I'm torn. (And also, I must preface that with abusive situations, this blog isn't the least bit applicable. The right choice in those particular situations, I believe, is blatantly and abundantly clear.)
We are a nation of scattered latch key kids with twisted, skewed views on love. We are a continent of once marrieds who indulge in two Christmases, two birthday parties and two separate graduation parties because our parents never got out of that post divorce lull. We are eternally trapped in those broken marriage doldrums and I can't help but wonder how we got here.
It's horribly normal for people to get married (and divorced) two or three times. Before they're even thirty years old! Forgive me, but I feel a few negative feelings here: You aren't trying hard enough. You don't take marriage for what it really is: an institution. You aren't working towards a resolution. You're just giving up and walking away...
To be honest with you, I am really on the fence as far as this is concerned. A big part of me feels that divorce really shouldn't be in your vocabulary, much less an option. If you love your spouse and family unconditionally, you should be more than willing to exhaust virtually every effort possible to alleviate whatever rifts have been created. I'm sorry but if you love someone, you MAKE it work. You don't just walk away. You don't get to formulate and institute this proverbial well-if-it-doesn't-work-out contingency plan where you drop them like a bad habit. You don't get to abandon your spouse, who you vowed to take care of until death do you part, because you're tired of putting in the effort.
What does that say for your children? Remotely innocent and yet somehow, inexplicably bearing the brunt of all this turmoil. It says to them that you A) don't care enough about their family, about them, to try a little bit harder. And B) that when things get difficult, it's perfectly acceptable to throw your hands in the air, admit defeat and run away from your trouble.
I mean, if marriage isn't sacred enough to fight for, nothing is, right? When you want to bail, just dump your pregnant wife into the waters of Berkeley Marina. I mean, it seemed to work well for the ever doting and dutiful Scott Peterson.
... oh wait.
How does divorce positively affect children? If the marriage is tumultuous , divorce can be a relief to the kids. -Dr. Ruth Peters
But not everything is so clear and easy. Sometimes friends, people are far too deranged to keep it civil. There are times when loving someone to Krypton and back doesn't fix anything. Just because you love someone and want to try doesn't mean it always works out.
There are some moments when I think that it's so much better for the children if troubled married couples divorce and work on themselves. There are times when I feel that two divorced but accommodating and diplomatic parents are better than two married parents who despise each other. As much as those parents believe that they're putting up a convincing facade of two people completely devoted to each other, they're only fooling themselves.
Children are not so transparent. Even if it's not being said, they can sense things are amiss. Those muffled whisper fights about money, extra marital bed mates or the family business can be heard by those seemingly unknowing children. The floor of their bedroom vibrates with cuss words and passive aggressive name calling as the older sister puts a protective arm around the younger one. "It''ll be alright," she whispers in her toddler sister's ear. "This will all blow over."
But sometimes it doesn't blow over. The fighting continues until there is nothing left but empty space. Everyone is walking around ignoring each other, leaving the children to walk on egg shells, choose sides and pretend they didn't hear the war waged between their now silent parents the night before. They are now the walking dead. The tortured victims of a marriage that has long since decayed.
The crazy wreckage floating through the house, the pretending that exists purely for the sake of the children involved, is harmful. In these particular instances, I wonder what it is that possesses them to keep torturing themselves and their children. Do they truly believe that their kids can't sense anything? That they're so easily blinded by the feigned adoration that exists between their parents? And then, when they're alone with one parent or the other and incriminating secrets are divulged, do they honestly think that this brand of parent alienation is healthy? Whether the defamations are true or not?
I just believe that in this kind of marital disarray and dysfunction, separation is far more beneficial. Better to see two friendly divorcees, who can agree to disagree than two bitter marrieds, incessantly bickering and taking jabs at each other. I mean, how childish.
Moral of the Crazy: When I married, it was with the intent to only do it once. I wanted to get it right the first time around. Now, I know I don't have kids but my life has been rich with experiences. I was in one of those awful, just terrible relationships that I told myself was worth saving. I assured myself that it was worth working on. I was strangely attached to this man who was calculating and toxic; a man that I had actual screaming matches with more than daily. It was practically hourly. My attempt to make it work wasn't admirable. It was annoying. It was taxing and it took years off my life. And I thank God everyday that we never got engaged, married or God forbid, had children.
To be honest, I don't know what the correct answer is. I'm clearly no expert. [I mean, my parents have been married for nearly forty years and have almost never lived together. But somehow, it works for them. I'm just saying, I didn't have a typical suburbia childhood. I grew up on a tropical island that's four and a half miles wide. And my dad was home every two weeks for a few days at a time. But I digress...] I just think that functionality and honesty should be top priority, incessantly asserted. Especially when you're molding the minds of the future.
Lower your veils and your voice. Try until you collapse with exhaustion. Remember why you're here, why you're married, what made you fall in love and remember that that same love made those beautiful babies you're trying so hard to protect.
Divorce wreaks havoc on children's lives. It often doesn't do much for adults either. -M. Gary Newman
The Crazy version of Dear Abby:
Need advice on something vital or love induced? Have some gossip that you desperately need to share? Want to swap idiot boyfriend stories?
Share your stories with me at: katemeyer@verizon.net with the subject line Crazy Face and be anonymously featured in my blog!
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