However, there was something that she wrote a few months ago that really got me to thinking about nearly every single relationship I've ever had, romantic or otherwise. "Hateful words," she wrote, "often stem from jealousy."
It may sound like something so common that it lacks any value. But when I really sat back and allowed the words to consume me, a lot of things began to make sense. Insults, more clear and break-ups, so obviously more justified. All those sour fights and bitter feelings were laid out in front of me, out in the open to be better understood.
Jealousy is, I think, the worst of all faults because it makes a victim of both parties. -Gene Tierney
My dreadful and dangerous ex-boyfriend had a serious problem with jealousy and self control. God forbid, if I ever made eye contact with the male barista at Starbucks. He would scream in my face, with this feral look in his eyes, questions like, "You know that guy? You think he's hot, don't you?" or "I can see it in your eyes. You want to f&#@ him!" Or it would be about my shirt being too low cut or my smile lingering too long. "You want him? Yes or no?!" Yes or no, he'd shout at me with wild blue eyes, like I was four years old and caught with my hand in the cookie jar.
But listen, as much as I absolutely LOVE casting all the blame on him, he wasn't the only one guilty of this. I think we all carry that propensity to be jealous or crazy possessive. And let's be honest, there are situations where said behavior is certainly merited. A perfect example is when some brazen waitress from Deep Water Grill tried to hold hands with my husband and I was practically carried out of the restaurant...
But I digress. (All I have to say is that she better PRAY I never see her again. I don't care.)
I suppose that my real question is: Where is the line between jealous and controlling? Because there is a huge difference between average, healthy jealousy and Dr. Phil worthy controlling.
People can sometimes get touchy and overwhelming. If a guy walks up to me, sees my wedding ring and still won't take no for an answer, my husband has every right to murder him at the St. Patrick's Day festival. But if he were to hypothetically lose it over a friendly conversation at the local Starbucks, he would need to calm himself. I am all for being dragged back to the proverbial cave when it's properly justified.
The jealous are troublesome to others but a torment to themselves. -William Penn
But the really terrible thing about being jealous and/or having a jealous partner is that it can create major rifts in your life. To use myself for a perfect example, when I was with my aforementioned certifiable ex-boyfriend, I was literally forced to make major cuts in my life. I had no friends of my own because I wasn't allowed. I could only talk to his friends and their girlfriends (or for most of them, their Flavors of the Week) and even that was incredibly restrictive and selective.
He hated all of my friends, for a variety of reasons. My very best friend dated his brother way back in the day, so that was obviously unacceptable. (Despite the fact that to this very day, he attempts to play nice with her...) Another girlfriend of mine, he didn't like because she would always stand up to him and call him out on his bullshit. (And subsequently, physically drove me to get a restraining order against him.) Another girlfriend he had deemed a "dirty slut" that was so clearly a bad influence. (Which was obviously not true and she was actually a bridesmaid in my wedding.) He even allegedly hated my first roommate, who was his friend's sister.
It took me actual years to figure out that he wasn't jealous of the attention other people were giving me. He was controlling me. He tried, relatively successfully for a pretty long time, to control absolutely every aspect of my life. To this day, I actually have nightmares about what I would have become, had I stayed. Probably some kind of warped, anorexic Stepford wife with no friends or semblance of a personality...
But like my homeboy TI once said, "... the old me is dead and gone but the new me will be all right..."
Never underestimate the power of jealousy and the power of envy to destroy. -Oliver Stone
So friends, I ask you: Where is the line between jealous and controlling? What exactly is it that constitutes a problem? When someone is trying to possess you like a piece of property? When they critique your every move and try to reformulate your identity into someone you would never recognize? Because as I'm sure you already know, I have another point to be considered.
I get how annoying and depersonalizing controlling behavior can be because friends, I have lived that shit. For more years that I would care to count. It's constricting and uncomfortable, a bit like you're walking around in a broken glass factory. But I don't care what anyone says, there is something really comforting about someone laying claim to you. In obviously, only the most normal ways available.
When you're out in public somewhere and idiot men loose sight of their wits and hit on you? And then your man comes out of nowhere and swoops you up? (I like to envision this as the scene in The Village where little, blind Ivy is standing unguarded on her front porch and Lucius Hunt appears out of nowhere and grabs her hand. That's how it happens in my head. The quiet warrior who appears in seconds to claim his lady and save her from those rabid "things we don't speak of.") It could be, if no murders were to break out, one of the most romantic and chivalrous experiences ever.
Moral of the Crazy: Okay, yes. I like to breathe. I do not like controlling men. Yes, there is most certainly a line. And men can be awful, dominant brutes. But for those who do it in moderation and when clearly justified (like my very possessive Portuguese husband), it can be a good thing. How else do you know if they love you? I mean, if they didn't care, they would just let idiot Island Way Grill waiters hit on you. As if you were the special at the local deli and everyone got a slice for free!
I seriously loathe those people who say they never get jealous. If you don't get the slightest bit jealous than you clearly don't care. And it's always men who say it too. They will say things like, "I don't get jealous," or "I'm not the jealous type. That stuff doesn't bother me." Do you want to know my take on that? There's probably a reason why those men aren't jealous. They either A) don't care or B) have someone keeping them occupied long enough not to. And that's just rude.
Stake that claim because that's your man (or lady), fair and square. But at the same time, trust him to make his own life decisions because if he's worth anything, he'll almost always make the right one. No going through phones, no stalking and no control. It's overwhelming and it isn't healthy. I think the world could learn a lot from the way Bill Compton claims Sookie Stackhouse in the first two seasons of True Blood: He gives her the freedom to do what she pleases but is there in actual seconds the first time she says his name. And then he lays those nasty vampires out because nobody can mess with his girl...
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had. -Erica Jong
The Crazy version of Dear Abby:
Need advice on something vital or love induced? Have some gossip that you desperately need to share? Want to swap idiot boyfriend stories?
Share your stories with me at: katemeyer@verizon.net with the subject line Crazy Face and be anonymously featured in my blog!
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