If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second. -Johnny Depp
I understand the inevitability of moving forward with the times. Or as my guido dad put it, "progressive", when he admitted to me that he was beginning to like Katy Perry. But sharing a man? Sister wives? Open relationships? Swingers? (I'm sorry, I don't know where that last one came from...) I mean, where does it end? What happens to the value of your relationships when you're sharing? How is this a passionate, satisfying relationship for anyone but the man? (Who is clearly equal parts menacing and handsome for being able to pull this off in the first place.) Maybe I'm just too possessive...
Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman). -Milan Kundera
I guess the way I process this open relationship malarky is that neither woman is clearly meaningful enough or satisfying enough to keep their man from straying. From the outward appearance, these alleged open relationships are just a free pass for men to cheat. I just don't see the purpose in it. I mean, why bother? Why not just be an epic poon hound rather than be involved in some two bit commitment?
What I don't understand, is from a woman's perspective, how is an open relationship in any way fulfilling? I mean, realistically, how is your intimate thirst quenched when your man is in the next room or three houses down doing the horizontal mambo with his other girlfriend? Regardless of whatever side corn you may be shucking, where is the quality within said open relationship? How can there possibly be any?
If it were me, I would feel so worthless. My self esteem would take an enormous beating. I would drive myself crazy wondering what it was that this woman gave him that I clearly couldn't. I would wonder what she had that I didn't because it wouldn't be cheating. But instead, an open, committed relationship with another person. Two (or multiple) intimate, serious relationships with two (or many) different women.
Even writing about it confuses me. It literally boggles my brain. I truly cannot understand.
He had a way of taking your hand which made it clear that he'd have to be the one to let go. -Alice Hoffman
And no offense to Hugh Hefner, but what does this sort of behavior say about the man in question? Is he that stupidly selfish that he has to have multiple girlfriends? So what, when one is out sick or one vacation, he is still able to partake in those kinky horizontal refreshments? Or do they have varying good qualities, so he keeps them all at his disposal, just in case?
It just all seems very twisted to me. I mean, where is the love? (The crazy hippie asks sarcastically but somewhat seriously.)
Because I am so obviously puzzled and against the idea, I decided to do a little research. You know, just to be fair.
According to some health and romantic relationship website I visited (that was actually pretty interesting and informative), the "key" to making these open relationships really work is maintaining very honest communication about whatever the proverbial arrangements are. It's also important to remember, according to this website (appropriately titled Care2.com), that sexuality and commitment are not mutually exclusive.
"Maintaining intimacy means breaking down restrictions and building up trust," it reads. But friends, I've got to tell you that I have a huge, just gut wrenchingly bad feeling about this. And let me tell you why: A) It's dysfunctional and B) I had this really, really good friend who was with her boyfriend for probably three or four years. They were even engaged, living together, had a cat named Darkness, and blah, blah, blah.
In a strong relationship, you should love your companion more than you need them. -Steve Maraboli
Well, shortly before her long awaited proposal, my friend gave in to her boyfriend and agreed to indulge him with one of his most coveted fantasies. It could have been to speed up the engagement process or it could have been that she was just feeling generous. But whatever the case, they planned their romantic little two man threesome.
With his best friend.
I think you already know where this story is going. It caused problems in and out of the bedroom. The boyfriend and the best friend now have beef because it was always in the back of their heads: Who pleased her more? Who was she more sexually attracted to? With whom did she have a better physical connection?
I don't know why any of them thought that this would go smoothly. These things never do. Remember that episode of Nip/Tuck where Christian and Kimber go to the swinger's party? And Christian gets mad at Kimber when she drops her inhibitions at the Girl on Girl Room door? And then she gets upset because in actuality, she was only doing it to please him in the first place? I mean, if an ex porn star and an epic lady fiend can't do it, no one can. You get what I'm saying?
Moral of the Crazy: In my personal opinion, open relationships do not work. Things like jealously and infidelity, fogive me, but they will always be an issue. They will always present themselves as that dark little monster, looming in the back of your troubled mind. Within an "open relationship" there will never be quality. There will never be meaning. You will always feel second best. You will never be quite stimulating enough for your obviously rabid partner. I'm sorry, friends. There are just too many cons.
And to be honest with you, I'm having a really hard time finding any legitimate pros.
There is no experience quite like true love and I'm not sure you can find such said love in multiple people at once. So just say no to that kinky threesome. It will only cause more problems. Take a trip to Victoria's Secret, find something remotely scandalous, light a few candles, turn on some Marvin Gaye (or Robin Thicke's new hit, Sex Therapy) and forget that open relationship nonsense. Because one soul mate is more than enough. Trust me.
How I feel is that if I wanted anything, I'd take it. That's what I've always thought all my life. But it happens that I want you, and so I just haven't room for any other desires. -F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Crazy version of Dear Abby:
Need advice on something vital or love induced? Have some gossip that you desperately need to share? Want to swap idiot boyfriend stories?
Share your stories with me at: katemeyer@verizon.net with the subject line Crazy Face and be anonymously featured in my blog!
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