A few weeks ago, I had a late lunch date with a gorgeous girlfriend of mine. Said date, fueled by shameless but still glamorous daytime drinking and awesome outfits escalated into a very serious conversation. We spoke honestly about the really big things: our biggest mistakes, our truest loves, those divine celebrity men that we would forever covet, and the episode of Jersey Shore where Snooki attacks Angelina after she very politely turns to J Woww and says, "Boo, hold my earrings, please." There were deep discussions about life, love and the pursuit of having a bunch of dark haired children. However, the more serious the subject matter, ever more earnestly we spoke. We sat in that restaurant for four hours and barely touched our twelve dollar designer salads. We had delved far into our life long secrets, sharing things with each other that we've never shared with anyone else before.And as amazing as our conversations ALWAYS are, this one stuck out so much in particular because of a few simple words that my dear friend said. "To be honest," she hesitated a few seconds, searching for the right words to correctly capture what she was feeling. "I could care less about work, possessions or anything else," she blinked her big brown eyes at me and exhibited a set of enviably long eyelashes. (Seriously, Kim Kardashian would be jealous.) "Kate, I just want a partner."
The course of true love never did run smooth. -William Shakespeare
I just want a partner.
Reread that one for a third time because I think that's one of the most insightful things I've ever heard in my life. To be brutally honest with you friends, I have never heard a more grown up request for something in my entire existence. This woman doesn't want a boyfriend or a man. She doesn't want a booty call or some juiced out piece of gorilla meat. She wants a partner; a person who can be her equal and benefit her life in an uplifting way. A grown up individual with goals and ambitions. Someone who lists her as Number One on his long and detailed manifest of priorities. A real, mature man who puts her worries, cares and needs above virtually everything else. Because your PARTNER, friends, should be delicately placed above everything else. All other things should be considered to be a very distant second.
So naturally this discussion about love, this visible frustration in not finding The One, for lack of a better term, really got me to thinking. A lot. Like, off the chain, out of the box, super inspired by one of my favorite muses thinking. (To quote my best friend: This shit just got real. Quite real indeed.)
Love is not a maybe thing. You know when you love someone. -Lauren Conrad
And so here's where the crazy comes in: How do we know if The One is even real for all of us? I know I've touched on this before but what if there isn't a perfect match for every person? Don't we all deserve a caring partner to nurture us and help us grow into more formidable people? I mean, even Ronnie DeFeo has (or had, it's been awhile since I've read up on him) a wife! An alleged murder who will virtually spend his eternity behind bars for the murder of six people!
The truth is that there just may not be that one person out there for everybody. And that realization is a sad one.
I have this friend. Actually, to be more accurate, I have two friends that are pretty much in the same situation. Both have been primarily with the same guy for actual years. (One of them, it's been nearly a decade. Can you imagine?) The thing is, in both of these very serious relationships, the male counterparts create all kinds of random problems, causing the relationships to be unstable. There's been a few break-ups within each couple, leaving both girls devastated and forced to move on. Eventually, in both cases, the new boys lose their novelty and can never really live up to their on again/off again boys. It's not long before both girls end up rekindling their old flames. It's seemingly cyclic but they both seem the happiest with these boys, no matter how unstable they may be some of the time. Somehow, they're more fulfilled. More like themselves.
And this kind of aforementioned cyclic behavior and this incessant desire for not a man, but a partner, got me to once again thinking. Can we all agree that there are those relationships that just feel like home? Those relationships that may not be perfect all the time but you know your partner is the only one who can mend your weary mind just by saying hello to you? Those people who are literally such a comfort to you that even if it's been awhile since you've seen them, seeing their face or being wrapped up in their arms is like coming home again?
I wish I knew how to quit you. -E. Annie Proulx
One of those girls that I spoke about in the paragraphs above put this point in really definitive perspective for me awhile ago. (She's the one who has been with the same man, on and off, for almost ten years.) To set the stage, it was a time in her life where she was made to endure a lot of trials. She and her longtime love had parted ways shortly before the world came crashing down around her and although she needed a strong support system, she told herself that getting back with her ex would only add stress and further complicate things. But what confused me is they would literally talk on the phone and Skype everyday. I was thinking to myself, why not just date? I don't understand!
"Because," she blinked her pretty blue eyes and stared at me as if I just asked her the square root of something. "The thing about him is, he's the only one I feel safe with. He's the only one who knows just what to say to calm me down. No matter what I'm going through, he can ease my worried heart."
Her particular situation reverted me back to the partner idea. Perhaps The One isn't our crush or our dream guy but the only man who can heal us and make us whole. A man whose sole focus revolves around taking care of his partner and assisting her on her journey to become a better person. A partner who loves you even when you're grumpy and on those dark days when the sun refuses to shine.
A partner. To love and cherish you no matter what. Such an exciting concept.
Moral of the Crazy: I don't pretend to know anything about love and relationships. I just know what I've seen and felt in my heart. All I know is myself: neurotic. Crazy. Tightly wrapped and bad at math. One of the biggest reasons that my husband and I have outlasted all of our friends is because we're partners. We aren't always perfect and smiley. But we're in it together, even on the awful days.
He has saved me in so many ways and continues to be the ONLY person who can soothe my weary mind with just a little twinkle of his big, brown eyes. (Eyes like Cary Grant, this one.) We work because we take care of each other and are headed together towards a common goal.
So don't just settle for the hunk next door or the suave jazz musician. Hold out for a partner who's equally as invested as you are. Because sometimes you just need to be rescued.
You just keep on using me until you use me up. -Bill Withers
The Crazy version of Dear Abby:
Need advice on something vital or love induced? Have some gossip that you desperately need to share? Want to swap idiot boyfriend stories?
Share your stories with me at: katemeyer@tampabay.rr.com with the subject line Crazy Face and be anonymously featured in my blog!
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