And with this life long need to be better than yesterday comes a recurring question: Can we ever be truly satisfied? And this is obviously so easily approachable in more than just the musical sense. Because of this perpetual want to be better, this unruly gift on unsatisfaction, sometimes I sit at my grandmother's table with a glass of whiskey and I wonder, friends: Are we meant to be alone?
"People used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were scared of being alone." -Chuck Palahniuk
I've heard people say that you always want what you can't have. When you're single, for example, you long for the warming touch of another person. You crave the downtime with that special someone not only because you love them but also because it's far more comfortable than being alone. And on the other, more crowded end of the spectrum, should you be lucky enough to have found the person who has freed you from the ever undesirable singledom, a part of you will always miss the solace found only in solitude. Usually, it has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. It isn't any sort of flaw in their character or the desire to be with someone else. It's just that while alone time can sometimes be painful and dreary, there are also those moments when it's welcomed and sacred. A time to reflect on a life well spent. (Or to write stories, in my case.)
I've also often heard people say "there's someone for everyone". I'm guilty of it myself when I tell my girlfriends that "he's out there". That perfect someone whose body molds perfectly with yours. The one man who understands you and laughs at all your jokes, no matter how terrible they are or how horribly you butcher the punchline. The only man who finds you beautiful when you aren't wearing makeup, high heels or Burberry perfume.
The thing is, friends, what if that perfect person isn't out there at all? Or even worse still, what if he is but it will never be?
I've found that a lot of my friends, both male and female, are currently dealing with this very problematic life question. For some, being alone is considered to be a disease, forever plaguing them with a loneliness that visibly hardens their hearts. And there is seemingly nothing readily available to alleviate these unfortunate feelings of woe.
Even I have succumbed to such self deprecation every now and again. I love my husband, the man deemed my soul mate, more than anything in this world. (I must STRONGLY preface with this statement because I have never spoken truer words.) But the truth is that I'm troubled. And it's not as if he can't handle it but he shouldn't have to. There are a lot of things I've done in my life that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for. And while I try not to have a lot of regrets in my life as a rule, there are some that perpetually weigh me down. Sometimes, when I'm in these states of self disfavor, I can't help but wonder if I'm doing my loving husband a disservice. I don't want it to be so but maybe I'm meant to be alone, if only for the sake of those around me that I care about. Or maybe, it could be that we all are...
"I have a huge, active imagination and I think I'm really scared of being alone; because if I'm left to my own devices, I'll just turn into a mad woman." -Claire Danes
Another thing about being alone, if only for a few hours, is the propensity to let your mind wander. If you're anything like me, this is a TERRIBLE thing. Hence the melodramatic (albeit honest) paragraph right above us. Being left to your own thoughts can be especially damaging. If you're even slightly neurotic, I, as a social science major, would very strongly NOT recommend it.
When I was a senior in high school, my band director made a comment during a rehearsal that has always stuck with me. He said, very earnestly, "There is always room for improvement..." [Just a little side bar? We have very obviously lost touch, as people tend to do, but I seem to remember him having two Master's degrees at the age of 25ish (oh, who remembers little things like age, anyway?) and I'm almost positive that he's a doctor now. And he can't be older than 35ish... I may want to be him when I grow up.] Anyways, as I said earlier, that sort of comes with the musician territory. (Especially if you are a wunderkind with a classical pianist for a father and a professional musician/music teacher for a sister like I am.) Mostly because there's always someone better than you. Such is life, but it can be even truer in the romantical sense. How often do you hear people say, "You can do better" or "You deserve better"? I find myself saying it to literally all of my girlfriends (Mostly because I hate all of their boyfriends but still... let's not make this one about me, friends.) and people always said it to me before I met my husband. The thing is, with that mentality, how can we EVER be satisfied? With anyone? Now matter how great they might be.
When I was younger, that was part of my problem with men. Things always started out so beautifully but then these men somehow turned into the gateway drug. There was nothing really wrong with them (... most of them), I just needed more. Far more than they could ever give, no matter what their intentions were.
"Let not your mind run on what you lack as much as one what you have already." -Marcus Aurelius
And so, the Moral of the Crazy: I'd like to believe that there is someone for everyone. I'd like to believe that people aren't better off alone. I'd also like to believe that we can all be satisfied, in ultimately every way possible. It's just that, when said satisfaction is achieved, there can be no further accomplishment. No happiness attained, savvy?
So take care of each other. Strive to be better than yesterday. And make sure you crank up the Ella Fitzgerald when you're alone. Her voice is far more beautiful than that of discontent.
"Woman, I'm troubled. I be all worried in mind. Well baby, I just can't be satisfied. And I just can't keep from crying." -Muddy Waters
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