All successful people these days seem to be neurotic. Perhaps we should stop being sorry for them and start being sorry for me. For being so confounded normal. -Deborah Kerr

Alright, so I have this friend. She's super smart (for the most part), and appropriately confident, and wonderfully verbal. She drinks coffee the way some people chain smoke. She has what some people

have deemed "bug eyes" and as a result, always looks surprised. She also has a bit of a staring problem that has gotten her into trouble and nearly decked at the local Starbucks, turns out. This lady is charmingly neurotic and by the way friends, if you haven't figured it out already, that friend is me.

 

So here's the thing: I come from a long line of charming neurotics. My sister, for example, has a thing about bumps in her hair. Maybe it's because I have curly hair and she doesn't but bumps are just a common occurrence for me. She, on the other hand, would call out of work before leaving her house with imperfect hair. She's also kind of weird about writing in a straight line. She'll crumple up five sheets of loose leaf before turning something in with poor, crooked penmanship.

 

Now my mom is a bit of a doozie. She has many chronically cute neurotic tendencies (cute being a term I use very loosely...) One of which is her telephone etiquette. She does this thing where when she calls you, she doesn't give you the chance to say hello. She just spews out her story at ninety miles per hour (She's from Chicago. She talks very fast.) almost as if she's worried she won't get the chance to get it all out. She also has this strange habit of continually asking if you're still on the line. She's convinced we're all going to hang up on her. I mean, I could go on. But we all have Thanksgiving meals to prep.

 

We're all pretty ladies with good genes and good personalities so it usually takes a little bit of time for people to find out how innately crazy we are. You know, like five whole minutes or so.

 

"I'm self-loathing, introverted, and neurotic." -Megan Fox

 

When I was a little girl, I had this mess of crazy curls and my dad used to always say to me, "Kate, do you know why you have curly hair?" and I'd say, "No, why?" And then he'd reply, "Because the crazy starts way deep within and then corkscrews its way out!" So uplifting, my father. He never seems to have a care in the world that visibly affects him. I'm telling you, he does not have one single line on his face, that man. And as such, he never really understood the whole crazy epidemic.

 

"Writers are too neurotic to ever be happy." -Connie Willis

 

So here's the thing, as much as I'd love for my neurosis to reflect that of Meg Ryan's, that's just not the reality of it. I mean, I actually had a male friend tell me I was gorgeous until I opened my mouth and let all the crazy out.

 

Let me be honest with you, friends: I'm a little bit out of my tree, as they say. Sometimes dinner with me isn't fun because I incessantly shake my leg under the table. I worry about how many calories are just waiting to make my backside a little bit closer to J. Lo's. It's true! They're just festering inside that house salad that BJ's Brewhouse deems as healthy. I can actually feel the arteries moving the blood through my heart hardening thanks to the insane amount of sodium they put in restaurant food. God forbid I should cheat on my super strict diet! I might keel right over at the table! And this is just dinner...

 

I've been told, mostly by men, that the flaky qualities I possess are cute to a point. It's like, once they realize it never goes away they start to rethink their position. "Her favorite hobby is serial murders," they lay in bed and let their brains wander. "She's weird about her diet. She uses two mouthwashes (One to disinfect. One to whiten.). She drinks too much coffee to be a real person." They will flip over in their bed and make sure Crazy One didn't sneak into their room unnoticed. "She's super antsy," they'll go on, "and I always feel like she's staring at me with those big, green eyeballs!" He's thinking to himself: "She could perpetually murder me in my sleep! And she's so friendly with that bleach bottle, no one will ever, ever know!" (And people say I'm neurotic...)

 

Moral of the Very Crazy: The big question I always ask myself is, "Am I still charming if I'm not Carrie Bradshaw...?" I know I'm not completely intolerable to be around. After all, I am married to another person. An attractive one with a very short attention span, so that should say something. But there are times when I feel like Woody Allen with a waist line. (Ugh, I shudder at the thought.) But maybe being neurotic just means that I don't have it all figured out. There's still more to learn and maybe I'll calm down with age. (Doubtful...) But I don't think I want to be clean slated and calm. I'd rather be wired, rocky, and colorful because it makes life far more interesting. And alcohol helps...

 

"Everything great in the world comes from neurotics. They alone have founded our religions and composed our masterpieces." -Marcel Proust