Love is a game that two can play and both win. -Eva Gabor

Photo Cred: Christie Bishop

 

Although I could never claim the title of an expert on love because I have something of a spotty record up until fairly recently, there are a few things I've learned throughout my sordid history. For example, I have learned, rather painfully, that Irish-Italian Marines do not like clingy girls that are five years younger than them. I have learned that men who make it a habit of telling you how big their gentlemen parts are, are almost certainly lying. I have learned that boys with barbed wire arm band tattoos aren't trying to channel their inner Nick Lachey. They're disgustingly self obsessed. I have also learned that just because they may say they don't have a semi-serious girlfriend, doesn't mean it's the truth. (And it's my experience that said non-existent girlfriends are usually incredibly beautiful. Makes your brain boggle, doesn't it?)

People play games and it's been my experience that this treachery usually occurs in male patterned behavior simply because they're wired differently. (Or they're insolent brutes. But no one's perfect...)

It's just that I don't understand the propensity among males to habitually play games, lie to those girls they're to be intimate with, or insist on only desiring "The Chase". Amy Winehouse once crooned "What is it about men...?" and today I ask you, friends: Why do men play these games? Why do they force you to partake in "The Chase"? Why do they lie about things that can be found by any moron who can navigate themselves around Facebook?

Now in my short, little life, I have found very few things to be true. One of them is that for whatever reason, perhaps a lifelong dream to be Nole turned pro-player, Deion Sanders, never realized, MEN PLAY GAMES. And unless you're involved with Burt Reynolds, you don't get to watch the game unfold from a pimp box seat.

I have compiled my own Bad Boy List but it's fairly limited. There is MUCH I've yet to cover. Feel free to offer up some of your own suggestions as well. The Top 3 Games most commonly played by snazzy looking men are:

1) The Omit: "You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else." -Albert Einstein

In my opinion, the Omit is FAR too popular. Men have been using this move since before the Irish started distilling whiskey. How many times have I heard, "I didn't lie. You never asked."? FAR TOO MANY. That's how many. So by this logic , if you don't ask for clarification on a major fact in some brute's life, no actual fabrication has occurred. Is that a joke...?

Tell me something, friends: What does the proverbial omitting man gain from lying about anything, much less fairly important details (and people!) of his life (which he so very obviously shares with aforementioned people)? He gains silence for the rest of the date in regards to the subject and then when I go home and stalk his very public life on my computer, I grit my teeth and contemplate replacing his multi-vitamins with LSD. (No, you're right. That would be crazy talk. And probably slightly undeserving. If only very slightly.)

2) The Evade: "If you chase something too desperately, it eludes you." -Steve Coogan

This game is equally as abrasive. Here's something that I will never understand about men: They like to be ignored. I have discovered that if you give men the most inconsiderable amount of attention, they become putty in your hands. If you become too busy for them, they turn into men obsessed. Suddenly they need you because you don't sit home every night and pine miserably for them. But heaven help you if you're mindful and show them attention. Two texts a week and you go from the pretty, exotic brunette to that crazy, Italian chick. And it happens literally overnight. Hold your heads high, friends! You've earned that stalker status with just one phone call!

My thing with this is if I like you, I'm going to show it. I may not tell you because I'm a nervous talker and never say what I'm thinking exactly right. (Do you ever notice how it never seems to sound as good out loud as it does in your head?) I'll develop music compilations or ask how your day went because I like you and care enough about what may have ensued in your last 24-48 hours to ask. This doesn't mean I'm a stage five clinger or want to bear your children. It means I'm smitten. (And by the way, speaking of which, I'm particularly drawn to this cocoa skinned Portuguese fellow I know...)

And surely last but not least, Number 3) The Inquest: "Don't you love the chase? Sometimes it doesn't work out. But when it does work out, it's like having that first cigarette." -Roger Sterling, Mad Men

What is it about "The Chase"? To me, it's primarily unappealing because what happens when you've attained the lady you're chasing? Are you no longer interested because said inquest is over? And who are you, George Clooney? You're going to have to settle down someday because unless you're a terrific cook, your luck is going to run out eventually.

Moral of the Crazy: Maybe it's just that everyone plays their own version of the game. Although, I like to believe that I don't. At least not intentionally. But maybe some of those avid players just need to find the girl who is just so worthy enough to keep their men on the bench.

Men the World Over: 803, 943, 542
Kate: 1

"The score never interested me. Only the game." -Mae West