So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, and a new one just begun. –John Lennon, “So This Is Christmas”

Good (probably late) afternoon! My name is Kate and I’m a relatively new mom! It’s the New Year and this season is all about resolutions, starting over, and pulling out that blank slate. I especially love the New Year and I really enjoy blogging about it every year because I feel so fresh, clean and motivated.

The last year or so has been thoroughly full of changes and trials for me so this year in particular, I was really ready for my “fresh start”. I’ve been going through all these weird, physical changes with my body because apparently when you stop breastfeeding, your body just gives up on you. I’ve had some personal awakenings that have been both a blessing and a giant pain in my recently, more shapely rear-end. I’ve had to think kind of hard on some of my relationships to decide if the people are really for me or against me. And, as always, I possess champagne taste while I live on a Natty Light budget.

Seriously, I act like I’m Kyle freaking Richards. It’s really quite taxing. (You know what else is taxing? How my husband doesn’t appreciate all of my RHOBH references.)

Like everybody else I’m sure, I’ve got loads of things that I want to work on. I’ve always had this obsession with my body (it’s probably borderline unhealthy) and being physically healthy. I get anxiety when I look at ingredients and ever since I was told about this article that cites sugar (even the organic kind) as the number one link to cancer, I don’t want to eat anything.

I’m working especially hard to incorporate more yoga into my life because quite frankly, in addition to the exercise, I desperately need the meditation. Life, and just people in general, annoy the you know what out of me and if I don’t release some of my stress sometimes, I feel like I’m going to boil over. Lately, I’ve been going out of my comfort zone and trying different studios and classes on my own and quite frankly, the way I feel just knowing I attended and did something alone is incredibly positive. Overwhelmingly so, if I’m honest.

I’m not giving up today, there’s nothing getting in my way, and if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again. –“Get Back Up Again”, Trolls

And you know, all of these things seem to link back to the same issue: I have no self-esteem.

I always joke that I’m charmingly self-deprecating but lately, it’s hit me pretty hard that the way I feel about myself shows on the outside. And sometimes I wonder how all of this affects my daughter, who is only two but understands more than I realize sometimes. I don’t want to pass these awful traits onto her because it’s not fun to feel this way. But how do you fix it? Where do you even start?

Although I’ve sort of judged other moms for it in the past and it does make me feel super guilty sometimes, I’ve made a conscious effort to make time for myself. Even before I was a parent, I wouldn’t say I was a selfish person. Sure, I had my nails and hair done all the time but other than that, I never really had much “me time”, even back then.

Well, as a mom, and moms: help me out here, you don’t get any. Couple that with working an opposite schedule as my husband because we don’t have childcare and forget it. Literally, what’s me time?

My mom came and visited us for about a month, which helped me out because I had an extra set of hands and someone who was willing to sit with my daughter while I, I don’t know, took a shower. One day, on my husband’s birthday, actually, she took me to get my nails done. She paid for it as a courtesy but she whispered to me, “It’s only $25 and it lasts like, three weeks. You need to do this for yourself. To get out of the house and not because you’re working.”

I kind of stared at her for a moment because I wasn’t sure what she was trying to tell me. I have little kid hands and need to get my nails done so people don’t mistake me for a five year old? I’ve let myself go since I’ve had a child? People think I’m gross because I don’t always have a gel manicure? Like, what was she trying to say?

Then it hit me: I was losing part of myself because I totally absorbed myself into the motherhood role. I was spreading myself too thin trying to do everything and anything I could to make things better for my family. I was trying to alleviate other individuals’ stress before assessing my own and I was taking ridiculous criticism from people who knew absolutely nothing about my life. I was also pulling away from the people who cared about me simply because I was getting too busy and rundown to talk to them.

I was becoming a shadow of the person I was before. And why? Who was I helping this way?

Moral of the Crazy: For the last few months or maybe longer, I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching. I’ve been thinking about my relationships with people, I’ve been thinking about some of my own not so favorable character traits, and I’ve even been doing some political research because quite frankly, I don’t like a lot of the things I’m hearing out there. Things are so strange right now and I feel like I need to change some things about myself before I can help anyone else.

So I’ve been working hard to alter my vision; I’ve been really motivated to shift my mood because when I’m grumpy or depressed, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m truly living. It sort of feels like I’m wasting my life and I hate that because you know it goes by in a literal blink.

But more than that, I’ve been focusing on looking inward. And in addition to evaluating my relationships with other people, I’m checking myself. Sort of like, Hey, you were selfish or dramatic in that moment or Hey, what you just said sounds a little ridiculous outside of your own head.

And with other people, I’m asking myself, very seriously, if the behavior or activity is really serving me in a positive way. And to be fair, this particular task has been so very arduous. Because I don’t want to let go of people. I don’t want to be that selfish person that’s like, “Oh you’re negative; positive vibes only, please!” But sometimes you’ve got to learn the lesson that certain people just aren’t for you. They aren’t for your relationship, your spouse, your job, etc. and if that’s the case, they’re total joy thieves and they don’t need to be there.

I’ve also made it a point to make time for myself, which has also been a super difficult task (because I have no spare time and I hate leaving my baby!) but it’s one that I’m better for. Yoga, hair appointments and getting my nails done on the semi-regular have only enriched my life. It sounds selfish but I can’t expect much from those around me if I’m miserable. Happiness starts from the inside out and while for me, sometimes, it’s a chore to get there, the journey is worth it.

Something else I’m learning is that it takes a tribe.

That bit I mentioned about cutting out the people who don’t serve you? I feel like that is so important because for me personally, I get easily bogged down. If someone insults me or yells at me, it’s like my whole day is shot. Not to mention if someone starts going on about what a shit job I’m doing at life or as a mother.

Which, let’s be honest, people just do it without even realizing it sometimes. I mean, how many times have you heard thoughtful “suggestions” about your parenting or things particular people have done “with their own kids”? Don’t get me wrong, I love it when it’s genuine and I need the help but sometimes, people just throw their opinions at you like it’s gospel and don’t understand why you get annoyed. (But that’s a whole other blog. So anywayyyyyys.)

My point is, you need people who support you, people who maybe don’t think like you, necessarily, but understand who you are, especially if you’re a parent. (And disclaimer, when I say “you”, I mean “me”, but I just like living life like there’s people like me out there. It makes me feel less alone and more human.) One of my girlfriends, for example, invited me to her son’s birthday party.

It’s so ridiculous but I was so embarrassed to say that this party is at a big, local bounce house place and I’m so nervous about stuff like that. I have all these stupid dreams about active shooters and kidnappers and when I do things alone with my daughter, I just get nervous. I don’t want her to break a leg, or run out in traffic, or get stolen by some crazy human trafficker.

You guys, I totally know how this sounds, okay? I know I sound crazy and maybe I am crazy but it’s just how I feel. And I took a chance and sort of verbalized this (in a slightly less psychotic way) to her because I’ve known her a long time and assumed she wouldn’t judge me. And you know what she said?

Girl, don’t worry. I’m psychotic with my boys.

Praise Jesus I’m not the only one.

I feel like I’ve been rambling a bit here but it’s been a hot minute and I felt like I should explain myself. These changes aren’t overnight and it’s none of this “New Year, New Me” nonsense. I’m trying to form healthy habits that only further my sweet kid’s development; not hinders it because I’m a nut job.

I can’t wait to enlighten you on my [hopeful] future success but I’ll tell you: So far, so good. So far.

What are some things you guys have planned for the New Year? I’d love to hear all about it and hold each other accountable on our respective journeys.

Be gentle with yourself and don’t forget: It’s yoga practice, not yoga perfect. You’ll get there; I’ll be right here making sure you do.

I know it feels like the whole world’s gone and let you down. Better days they’re coming for you, I know they will, cause I’ll be right here making sure they do. –Faith Hill, “Better Days"